Monday, December 27, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Brooklyn Lee

Where you at? No sleep
For me until my Big is in

This Queen's burrow.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Janet Mason

Don't cry over milk spilt
On this ├╝bermilf. Applaud.
That's, if you can.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Samantha Sin

The wages of Sin:
I'm out of breath and a little
Cramped in the hand.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Sasha Grey Update

Just so you guys know, the streak is still alive. I still haven't masturbated to Sasha Grey. I don't know what the deal is. Seems like I've rubbed out for everyone else. Like EVERYONE else.

Maybe someday soon. I'm just trying not to force it. I want our first time to happen naturally. When the time is right.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

BBW I Love Love Love #3: Jem Jewel

Some of you are no doubt asking "Who the hell is Jem Jewel?"

She is far less well-known than the other BBWs I've raved about. Her videos are exceedingly rare. All I've been able to find are two scenes with BBW Hunter and BBW Superstars.

Both vids feature the same guy, who I assume to be her boyfriend/erstwhile suitcase pimp.

An aside: This guy is perhaps the most normal looking man I've ever seen in porn. Part of my attraction to Jem is that she's someone you wouldn't imagine doing porn. How did these two end up fucking on camera for two sites then disappearing? I pray the explanation isn't a quotidian tale of two bored swingers looking to spice up their love life. I know this is a shot in the dark, but do any of you know them personally? I bet there's a story here. Please fill me in. Even if you don't know them. Make something up. I'm bored. (Be sure to let me know, though, that your version is fictional.)

OK, back to Jem: She's pretty in that unadorned way (Appropriate Cake lyrics: The ornaments look pretty but they're weighing down the branches of the tree). She's plump, but not sloppy. She has that welcoming look of softness. I feel sometimes like if I lean close enough to the computer screen I could smell her sweetness. She seems like she would be fun to lie next to in bed on a Saturday morning. I feel as though I would get carried away while fucking and shift to making love to her even though I only picked her up an hour before.

This is how I feel about Jem Jewel.

The perfect Christmas gift: at midnight on Christmas Eve I stumble across a treasure trove of Jem Jewel vids and cherish them until I start obsessing over something else.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Mariah Milano

It's a fantasy
Of mine to lay you down and
Show you who's the boss.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Katie St. Ives

If I could drink a case
Of you, darling, I'd be

In St. Ives Heaven.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Trinity Post

Milf, Teen, and Holy Whore
Descends upon me, curls toes
When I watch you.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Daphne Rosen

Oh nymph, I'd chase
Your curves (at least in vid form)
To the ends of the earth.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Savannah Stern

Savannah's retiring.
Not that one. That would be
Weird. Zombie Porn!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Eve Laurence

The snake that slithers
Below wants to take a bite
Out of Eve's apple.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Gina DePalma: Sex Incarnate

It has come to my attention that I haven't written about Ugly Girl Porn in some time. Perhaps it's because I'm understandably hesitant to call anyone I stroke to ugly. That's both women-hating and self loathing. I can't afford that kind of therapy.

So for the sake of Neckties for Reptiles I enlisted the help of female friend to skim through my hard drive and pick out the next Ugly Girl for your pleasure.

(NOTE: Ladies, if you spend an hour going through a ludicrous amount of porn with your guy friend and he doesn't make a pass at you, it doesn't mean he's gay. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to fuck you. Maybe it means he truly values your friendship. Or perhaps he doing some SERIOUS research. Just saying, Lyndsey.)

She was quick to pick Gina DePalma. And by "quick to pick" I mean after the hour it took to get down to G. Repulsed. She was repulsed by DePalma.

"Is this the type of girl you're into?"

Outwardly, I shrugged noncommittally.

Inwardly, I recalled the times I've stroked to her. It's an absurd number.

So good readers. I give you Gina DePalma. What she lacks in looks she more than abundantly makes up for in sex appeal and passion. The woman sweats lust. I'm getting hot and bothered just writing about her.

I would highly recommend her scene at Exploited Moms (Who've provided a disproportionate share of Ugly Girl Porn), but that site is a hot mess. It's not in the previews and probably not even in the member's section. Cop the torrent. Or depositfiles.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Lanny Barbie

Four words comprising
The hot new acronym:
Canuck I'd Like to Fuck.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

BBW I Love Love Love #2: Brandy Ryder

This BBW has occupied much of my porn viewing time as of late. I would love to thank the good folks over at Sensational Video for bringing this vivacious beauty to my attention.

And boy, she has put in work!

She's done a couple scenes for both BBWs Gone Black and BBW Dream that quite literally had me gasping air while futily trying to keep my toes uncurled.

Brandy Ryder, I love love you you and hope to see more of you.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

An Interview With Jeanna Fine

Found this while surfing on the Inter-tron. It was posted in 2008. The interview was held in 2005. If my math is correct, her son is approaching the age of majority. Doing the Good Mom Thing should no longer be an excuse. Push baby bird from the nest and let's make some Milf Porn!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Faith Leon

I truly wish you were
The Girl Next Door. I could

Reach out and touch Faith.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Holy Grail Found in Camelot

Back when I was an impressionable youth, on the cusp of pubescence, my taste in women took the less beaten path, where it is today. Instead of adoring the sun-tanned California blonde of the late eighties, I would spend a significant amount of time lusting in my heart and loins for the alterna-goddess.

You know the type of girl. Pale as moon. Wore Grandpa's browlines, grandma's sundress. A second hand cardigan that was either too big or too small. A pearl necklace she would claim to be ironic but deep in her heart she loved dearly. chunky shoes. Cassettes littered the floor of her beat-up Volvo. 10,000 Maniacs, Throwing Muses, Tallulah Blue, The Smiths, The Pogues. We'd take spontaneous road trips to nondescript Midwestern towns to pick wildflowers, take in the local color, and check out some local band in the basement of someone we'd just met earlier downtown.

The televised embodiment of such a girl was MTV's Kennedy. I can't remember ever watching Alternative Nation and not wishing at one point that her clothes would fall off, even when she wasn't onscreen.

But this is a solid decade and some change before Suicide Girls and the like. Your chances of seeing that kind of girl in the nude was slim and none. Better acquire a taste for California blondes.

Right when I first started using the internet, way back in the AOL days, I heard rumors of her nude pics. I searched furiously. It quickly became a Holy Grail.

And this morning in a quite anti-climatic manner, I found it in literally seconds on Google Images. It was buried under completely irrelevant shit, and gay porn (perhaps I couldn't find it before because I didn't want to wade through that).

They're, um, quite tasteful.

So yeah, I guess all I have left is a desire to see Janeane Garofalo and her new trout lips in a blowbang.

I dunno. This looks shopped.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Next Week I Get To Pick What We Do - Porn!

One of my favorite blog-related activities is looking up the keywords that lead people to me. There's always a few that make me smile, wince, or just scratch my head.

There's the reader who surfed in looking for " a dick less than 6 inches."

Or those curious about Morgan Layne's IQ.

There's the one guy who typed "google" into Google and somehow found Neckties For Reptiles. Head scratcher for sure.

There's even a guy who googled "cum shot haiku." I was extremely curious about this one. Is there someone out there in the blogonet writing cum shot themed haiku? I checked. No, there isn't. I felt as let down as our prospective surfer. I felt I should fill the void, if only briefly.

My favorite this time around and winner of The Most Puzzling Query Award goes to the gentleman who typed "Next Week I Get To Pick What We Do - Porn!" and found me. I can only guess what was going on in your head, but I won't because I'm sure it'll blow my mind

Monday, November 1, 2010

Friday, October 29, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Ivy Ryder

I don't care what
Others say. You look like
A young Britney O'Connell

Sunday, October 24, 2010

OK, I Want A Paula Marshall XXXmas Too

As I make my way through season one of Veronica Mars, I find myself running into actresses I desparately wanted to bang out ten years ago. The impossibility of that dream was deferred for the slightly less impossibility of seeing said actress in porn. My consolation is the hope for a convincing Lisa Rinna lookalike who is into interracial gangbang and who looks ravishing with cum dripping off her bee-stung lips.

Coming across Paula Marshall has reminded me of another, albeit a further diluted possibility: see them naked. Do you remember Paula Marshall? She was the only reason I watched Snoops. She was also the only reason I watch Cupid. I suspect she's responisible for the ratings of more shitty shows than anyone else. IMDB confirms my hunch. She's been in 6 shows in eight years, all of them canceled in less than a season.

You would think a track record and a face like that would drive a woman to porn, but she soldiers on.

But I get my wish, sort of.

She was in a sex scene with David Duchovny in an episode of Californication.

I found out it while I was reseaching. I would rush to get it, but it's a sex scene with David Duchovny. Ew.

I think I'll go back to watching Veronica Mars and guessing who'll be the next actress to pop up from my past.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Sophia Gently

I would fuck you gently
As in a morning sunrise.
Then rough and hard.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

All I Want For Christmas

I really really really really want to see Lisa Rinna do porn.

Or at least someone who looks a hell of a lot like her.

Is that too much to ask?

Ok, maybe it is.

Ok, back to watching Veronica Mars.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Zoe Voss

Alphabetically last
On the list of girls I'd fuck.
First in my heart.

Monday, October 18, 2010

BBW I Love Love Love #1: Samantha Anderson

It's no secret that I love BBWs. When it comes to the the types of women I'd play with and stroke to, I cast a wide net.

To show my appreciation I was going to write a post comprising the BBWs I love the most. But a preliminary compilation hinted that any list would be too long for consumption. Who's got that kind of attention span these days anyway?

So here they come one by one. To do them justice.

I start with this Beauty, who has occupied my fantasies for nearly a decade.

Samantha Anderson, also known as Samantha 38G.

I saw her first at Big Naturals back before I even had broadband. I'm glad she's stuck through several modem upgrades, address changes, and puzzled girlfriends who wondered why I was into girls so thick.

In that time she's become the preeminent name in BBW porn. Her scenes are explosive and have grown more exhilarating over the years. Nothing she does fails to please.

In my early twenties when I was just getting into her, I met a man who claimed he had her as an escort. Best $1000 he ever spent, he swear up and down. To this day, whenever I would get a stroke on for her, I would imagine that I'm a paying customer who had the pleasure of receiving her delights. Too much information? Too bad! Deal with it.

To you, Ms. Anderson, here's to another near decade of pleasure for the both of us. I wish you the best and thank you.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Girl With the Spider Tattoo Redux

I'll admit it. I started this blog for selfish reasons. Fruitless searches I have come to call Holy Grails. Scenes I've seen in passing when porn was scarce but am now unable to turn up in this Age of Instant and Free. Girls who've disappeared or whose names I never knew.

One such Holy Grail was the hunt for the Girl with the Spider Tattoo. No, Stieg Larson wasn't hard up for cash in the 90s. She was so termed because - - well, refer to the picture above.

All I knew was that the girl was Brazilian. A kindly reader, Mr. Anonymous was nice enough to point me towards Buttman's Rio Carnival. Spider Girl's name is Andreia. This might have been her only movie. Searches turn up other Andreias but none with butt tattoos. This wasn't an easy find.

And here's the part where I say that after obsessing over this scene for years, I watch it once and went "meh." Her butt, though quite nice, is smaller than in my dreams. She's neither as pretty nor as slutty looking as I remember her. Maybe it's because between then and now I've watch several thousand hours of porn (I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed of this). Maybe it's because I've matured. Maybe it's because I've upgraded my class of girl and women who look like Andreia are no longer out of my reach (the first thought I had upon viewing the scene is that she's younger than I am now). Andreia is no longer a fantasy.

What does all this mean? Will I suspend my search for Holy Grails for fear of disturbing my equilibrium of desire and setting off an existential crisis? Fuck no! Growing up and growing old is about losing your illusions, modifying or sometimes outright changing your desires, and finding out new things about the world and yourself. The moment you stop that constant flux of transition, you grow stagnant.

So, thank you Anonymous! I go forth to find more Holy Grails (both porn-related and otherwise) without fearing how much smaller, less divine they'll be IRL. This must be done!

Friday, October 15, 2010

This Needs to Be Made! An Open Letter to Hustler Video

NOTE: A proper email will be sent as soon as I can get a reliable contact address.

Dear Hustler Video,

I'm writing you in particular because you are responsible for the recent flood of porn parodies. I'm writing to you in really particular because you are the force behind Who's Nailin' Paylin?

Please take note of the juxtaposed images above. I've written recently about the eerie resemblance between Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell and Porn Starlet Alice Bell. Upon further reflection I've firmed in my opinion that this resemblance is more than passing. And I'm sure that I'm far from alone in this thought.

There are two factors you must consider:
  1. This is who Christine O'Donnell is: She's a former practitioner of witchcraft. She's outspoken about the evils of masturbation. She's an acolyte of Sarah Palin. This parody writes itself! SCENE: A young candidate from Delaware takes a break from the campaign trail. She blows off some steam and slips into old habits by engaging mentor and pal Paylin in a Ouija session. Paylin returns the favor by teaching her the joys of mutual masturbation. SCENE: B/G with former Delaware Senator and Vice President (played by Randy West). This is just off the top of my head!
  2. The election is in a few weeks and she is not projected to win. It's not like you have a 6 year term to wait around on getting this done. Unless she pulls a Palin (granted, not completely unlikely, as pretty as she is), she'll be out of the public consciousness by January.
It may seem like an impossible task to crank out a movie in a couple weeks but it was still under the same time constraints that Who's Nalin' Paylin? was made. It is entirely doable.

I, and I'm willing too bet quite a few people, would very much like to see this movie made. parodies are still very much in vogue. Palin who would be the anchor for this vehicle is still very relevant, lampoonable, and sexy. Please make this movie!

Best Wishes,

Oruba Stone

Friday, October 8, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Summer Sinn

I'm so aroused and
Relieved you have big boobs
And no Boston accent*.

Ok, I'll admit. I have no idea what you sound like. I've been too focused on your boobs.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Deauxma

I ceaselessly wonder
The correct pronunciation
Of your name.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Kelly Divine

Ass, lips, tits, eyes.
A vision divine. You give me
Sensations sublime.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The DoppelGanger and Tea Party Politics

On the left is the recent winner of the Delaware Republican Primary for senate and Tea Party darling Christine O'Donnell. On the right is one of my favorite new porn stars the lovely Alice Bell. You can't tell me they aren't dead ringers for each other. I think a porn parody should be in order post haste. Perhaps in the "Naylin Paylin" family. Yes, this is the best idea ever hatched.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Georgia Peach

I could eat your peach
For hours. Corny,
Unoriginal, but true

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Victoria Allure

Like flowers, let a
Picture of your ass be worth
A thousand haikus.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Fun With Terms and Conditions

Where is yours truly, Oruba Stone? In reality, no one's asking that. I've been semi-regularly posting Porn Star Haiku so I haven't been hearing readers questioning my whereabouts. But truth is, I have been away.

I have been backpacking Southern Asia for a few months now, half of it with my then-girlfriend and half without my girlfriend but not exactly alone either (The Stones said if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.)

As things are, this is longest period I've gone without constant porn. What wonders steady sex and inconsistent wifi access can do for a man!

But that for now has come to an end. I've been sitting in this hotel in Mumbai waiting to catch my flight back home tomorrow. This is the first time in a long time I've been alone in a room with locked doors and broadband access. You can see where this has led.

My latest porn binge has led me to the doorstep of Claudia-Marie's site. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this blond beauty, she's bubbly, curvy, and an absolute delight to watch.

But before I entered, I did something I don't remember doing since I was 15. I read the terms and conditions for entry. You know, the legalese saying you're old enough and not uptight. Claudia-Marie's terms and condition includes this precious sentence:
Claudia-Marie, all models, black white and other race actors, actresses and other persons that appear in any visual depiction of actual bigtit ClaudiaMarie sexual conduct appearing or otherwise contained in this adult site were over the age of eighteen years at the time of the creation of such depictions.
Standard statement for 2257 purposes saying that the models are legal. But why list the races of the actors? Or comment on Claudia-Marie's boobage? Strange, right?

I wonder who else is having fun with these.

Over at Blacks on Blondes, this topped a very tightly written T & C:
This site contains interracial sex and interracial porn. Dogfart specializes in big black cocks, interracial xxx videos, creampies, cuckold sex and amateur porn movies. Up ahead is nothing but white sluts and cheating wives with big tits and tight white pussy. Huge black dicks shooting creampies internal cumshots all over naked white teens who love huge black cocks.

This classic from Big Tits at School made me laugh:
The videos and images in this brazzers site are intended to be used by responsible adults as sexual aids, to provide sexual education and to provide sexual entertainment.
Meat Melons has a clause that makes you pause:
I hereby swear, certify, and affirm . . . am not under the influence of any drugs, or mind altering substances or mechanism, natural or otherwise, nor is your [sic] judgement impaired by any mental illness, deficiency, or infirmity;
I'm sure a more thorough search will turn up more odd/hilarious disclaimers. I'll be sure to post them as they pop up.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Sophie Dee

I conclude: I love
All of this Welsh beauty, her
Booty included

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Tory Lane

I don't say this much
But, God damn! You're a filthy
Fucking whore. Thank you!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Lisa Ann

If Sarah Palin
Looked like you, I'd vote twice
Against my own conscience.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Violet Monroe

Like Roseanne's Darlene,
But hotter and nakeder and
Not quite the dike.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Meaty, But Not Fat, and Still, Pretty

I like to track the search words that send visitors to this blog.

Apparently most of my readers surf in via one of the two posts I wrote last year on the unfortunate, late Julie Ellis. So unsurprisingly, the majority of search words are Julie Ellis related.

julie ellis overdose
julie ellis porn
julie ellis pornstar
julie ellis death
julie ellis died
what happened to porn actress julie ellis

But why on earth would anyone google "julie ellis johnny cash"?

Here's a list of what's turned up only in the past month. I can only guess at my typical reader's frame of mind.

"tory lane" "how many men"
"behind the green door" "cum shot"
blacks on blondes gangbang feel bad died overdose
reptile love women
"meriam benezra" reptiles
reptile pussy porn
reptile pussy body hardcore

My all time favorite will probably always be "meaty, but not fat, and still, pretty" which I only can assume was authored by someone who, like myself, has a thing for Amber Peach. What a poetic line! I doubt a more beautiful phrase has been googled.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Ava Devine

Do what you do.
Even with the huge boobs reduced,
Sparks, cum, spit still fly.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Make Love Not Porn

I was 25 before it was brought to my attention that some, no, most women don't like getting cummed on. It had been my thing for quite a few years to ask right, when the moment was right, where she wanted me to cum. Most wanted it on the stomach. Some wanted it on their ass. Still others, the keepers, let me jizz on their face.

One night, while wiping off her breasts, my girlfriend at the time quietly said she didn't like it. Like what, I asked. When you cum on me, she said in an even quieter voice. Why did you let me do it then? It's not like I surprised you. I did ask.

I spent that month calling exes and flings. An unscientific poll was conducted. The majority preferred I had kept my fluids to myself. When asked why they'd allowed it, they all answered the same way as sweet, quiet June: it made me happy.

And why did creaming on girls make me happy? Well, a lifetime of porn led me to believe it's what girls like. Oh, the vicious cycle!

There's a site on the internets that spells out more of these Real World/Porn World splits. It's called Make Love Not Porn. I like it. Dear Reader, you should too.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A Lazy Man's Interview of Candace Moon.

Someday, someday I've told myself, I'll interview some porn starlets. These days I got so much going on, I could barely update this blog regularly much less conduct an interview. Accidentally, this week I stumbled on a
novel way to essentially get interview results with none of the effort.

Formspring is an intriguing little website where an a account holder gets to field questions from anonymous strangers. I had the pleasure of meeting the lovely Candace Moon, the vivacious BBW porn starlet, via Twitter. She pointed me toward her formspring. I beheld and awed at the questions being lobbed at her.

Yes, they were exactly the kind of questions you would expect anonymous strangers to pose a porn actress:

Would you let me fuck you? 100% Sperm for you!;

Do you feel like fucking right now?

Where would you like my cock most?

Do you like to fondle balls?

What would you do with my cock?

How many men you think have left their cum in your ass?

Can I lick your pussy?

Can I stick my cock inside you? Yes?

Do you know how much I want to fuck you?

Would you ever fuck a fan?

What's you're mobile number?

Where do you live?

Do you do escort meets?

What size is your clit?

Would you add me as a friend if you could see my naked pics?

Do you want to join my birthday gang bang?

I'm thinking "Doesn't all that get tiring, sister?" I would imagine it getting old after a while. I saw this as a chance to change things up for her, make it less monotonous and at the same time get one of those "Earnest Look" interviews I keep talking about wanting to do. The following took place over the course of two days through my phone while waiting for the train, in between classes, and while in line for coffee.

Oruba Stone : It's 8 am. You desparately need coffee. To your horror you find you're out of filters. What do you do?

Candace Moon : Cry, and then use a paper towel as a filter

OS : What is your very very first memory?

CM : When i was very little we had a farm, and my first memory is feeding one of the cows we had, her name was Beulah, i remember feeding her caramels, she loved them

OS : Righty or lefty?

CM : simple, random fact, I like it...righty :D

OS : Leno or Conan?

CM : neither, I hate that trash tv

OS : Who do you like performing with?

CM : My husband

OS : Turn ons?

CM : girls with big tits and nice asses. guys with good personalities and a nice cock

OS : Turn offs?

CM : pushy men, body odor, bad breath

OS : What's your favorite John Hughes movie?

CM : who is John Hughes?

OS : What is the most attractive quality a man could have?

CM : A funny personality, and a good attitude

OS : Do you have any obscure or random hobbies?

CM : Yes, I knit and crochet, and I make jewelry

OS : Who's your favorite New Kid on the Block and why?

CM : I don't enjoy the new kids on the block, never did never will. Is it one of the Wahlberg brothers that is an actor? I like him. lol

OS : How many members of the Wu Tang Clan can you name?

CM : What is a wu tang clan? You kids and your crazy language LOL

OS : What is your favorite Corey Haim movie? You know who he is.

CM : I do. The Lost Boys

OS : What mainstream Hollywood actor would you love to do a scene with?

CM : hehe ummm Gerard Butler maybe

OS : Any advice for a young BBW just starting out in porn?

CM : Read every single contract that you sign, and don't trust anyone LOL

OS : Which BBW porn starlet do you most admire?

CM : Geez, I admire so many. Fatty D, for sure, MissMinnabbw the list goes on and on...

OS : Which do you prefer on a guy, boxers or briefs?

CM : Briefs definitely

OS : Any particular goals for 2010?

CM : Yes, to fuck a friend of mine the next time I see him ;)

OS : Who would you love to work with, male and female?

CM : Mark Davis, and Katja Kassin

OS : Who is your favorite male co-star?

CM : Mark Davis, hands down

OS : How long do you foresee yourself continuing in the adult entertainment industry?

CM : in some form, until I'm dead

OS : If you only pick one: a life with only kisses and no sex, or all sex and no kissing, which would you choose and why?

CM : as much as i love kissing..i would have to say all sex and no kissing. Why? Do i really need to explain why...

OS : Describe the perfect day (not really a question, I know).

CM : hmm Coffee in the morning, a diner for breakfast brunch, a long walk in a beautiful park. A movie and ice cream in bed, what can I say...I'm a simple girl

OS : Who in the Industry do you consider a role model/hero?

CM : Belladonna, because she does her own thing no matter what anyone says, and Fatty D because she's a curvy girl and so gorgeous!

OS : How many stars can you name?

CM : Porn Stars?

OS : If you could be another starlet who would it and why?

CM : I would never be another starlet. Nuh uh

OS : What was the last thing that took your breath away?

CM : My hitachi

OS: Elvis or Beatles?
CM : Elvis

OS : What country would you like to visit right this second?

CM : Italy

OS : What does love feel like to you? I hope this isn't too personal.

CM : Love feels like everything.

OS : Are you happy?

CM : Insanely.

Also, I really wish I wrote this beauty but I can't take credit for it:

Some people are only here to collect property. I am here with my suitcase to collect only the good brains!! I am an alien from the other world, from outer space, I don't have no land, no estate, no property, no house. Not on this earth. I live in space.

I love the Internet!

You could ask Ms. Candace Moon questions here.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Ginormous Cock Sparks Existential Discussion

Earlier this week, The Daily Show aired a high-larious segment about a man with a peculiar problem:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Jonah Falcon Needs a Job
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorHealth Care Reform

Samantha Bee : You were born with a thirteen and a half inch penis and your last name is Falcon. You were born to make porn!

It seems that young Jonah Falcon is unemployed, lives at home with his mom, and has no prospects. But he as a gift. Jonah Falcon has a 13 and a half inch penis. This is a gift, however, he refuses to capitalize on, much to the disbelief of Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee.

Two related questions come to mind. Please weigh in. I assume, aside from the delightful Alison Hart, the overwhelming majority of you readers are male.

1. Would you do porn if you could?

2. Would you be happy with a 14 inch penis?

Would you do porn if you could? I know it seems that the default guy answer is not just "Yes!" but "Hellz yes!" But I beg to differ. I think if shown the realities of men in porn, many guys wouldn't opt for the life. I personally wouldn't do porn. Unless your name is Rocco, Pete, or Lex, chances are you're not banking a whole lot, far less than your female counterparts. If you want to support yourself, you're going to have to do gay porn. At this point, guys who are really enthusiastic about getting paid to fuck chicks start to reconsider the profession.

There are plenty of other reasons -- the lack of job stability and benefits, the difficulty in getting nice non-porn chicks to date you, the myriad antibiotic resistant diseases you'll no doubt encounter. The big deal breaker for me is porn's present day ubiquity and permanence. You would think that now porn is mainstream and any one video is ephemera, far easier to drift from your consciousness than Debbie does Dallas, that doing a porn flick or two wouldn't attract any attention. Again, I beg to differ. Since everyone watches porn, and since it is so much easier to get access to the stuff now, not to mention that it being on the Internet means it will be around forever, that means that 10 years from now the parents of your students will lobby to get your ass fired for your youthful discretion.

If you want to do porn it seems you have to be fully committed to it, despite the above setbacks. All that is assuming that you are able to. You might not be even able to make it onto the set.

Would you be happy with a 14 inch penis? Lord no! Again, the default guy answer seems to be the affirmative. If you're thinking this is a good idea, allow me to talk you out of it. If you're packing 6-8 inches you're doing fine. There's no reason to think you need more. If your dick is less than 6 inches, you have options. Be smart. Be rich. Be funny. Be an all around interesting cat. Be about her. Learn to eat pussy. Open your relationship; let her do other guys as long as she comes back to you; this will reward you in the long run. All of these options are preferable over having a 14 inch penis.

One of the very first things I learned about John Holmes, the legendary cocksman, is that he rarely achieved a full erection. After it got to a certain point, his erection would pain him. I don't know if that applies to all dicks beyond a certain size, but that was enough for me to be happy with what I got.

And listen guys, I don't care what you heard, most girls don't like mondo gigantic cocks. Whip out a 14 inch dong and you're guaranteed to get the girl screaming and scrambling to get away. The only women you could do are, well, porn starlets. Even that I find doubtful. My theory is that if you cut off the cameras, and allowed the persona to dissolve, and ask them as people and not as the objects of people's fantasies, the vast majority of those women wouldn't go near a dick that big unless they were paid to.

Maybe I'm wrong. Women, that is if I have other female readers, weigh in. What do you think? am I wrong? Is 14 inch NOT too freakishly big? Also, would you date a male porn star? If so, would there be any conditions? Would a guy with a porn past affect the nature of your relationship?

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Remembrance of Porns Past

Some time in the past decade (about two or three weeks ago), I found myself in a diner in Williamsburg, the Aughts' epicenter of hipster. Never mind what I was doing there. Not important. While in the bathroom stall I looked up and saw scrawled on the wall an advert for Burning Angel.

Usually a sign like that would send me into a Proustian voyage of memory that would lead into extraordinary hours of viewing Burning Angel's archives. But I was already there weeks before, the trigger being a sweet little thing with an asymmetrical haircut, non-sequitur tattoos, funky wardrobe, and telltale orthodontia betraying a suburban upbringing. Yes, the reason I've been spending time in Williamsburg. Whenever she's away, I've been consoling myself with my extensive Burning Angel collection.

So what came to mind in that stall was not the recent video backlog, but something from way back. Way back in 2003 before the site became all about Joanna Angel. I thought about Ash. Sweet sweet Ash and her bottle of vodka. The first and only time I've signed up for a site from a single picture set. It took several girls' pic set, including one from a girl I knew personally, to get me to pay for Suicide Girls later that year. But it was Ash alone who got me digging for my wallet and later digging into my pants.

As much as I avoid solo sets, and prefer video to pictures, Ash put me in a happy place. I have, however, been unable to find her in anything else. The years have gone by. My subscription lapsed. The pics on my laptop disappeared with computer upgrades, crashes, accidental deletions. But I find myself remember her vividly at all the right times. Like this one.

Where have you gone, Ash?