The Character Named Milf Actually Did Porn? No Way!

A pervasive point of wonder and discussion when Neckties for Reptiles began was the new increased probability that the woman you were pining for on television has done porn. Equally, awesome is how we live in an age where it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to find and download the flick. Sometimes in a matter of minutes. This is especially true for the stars of VH1 CelebReality programming.

Didn't take long to find stuff on Frenchy or Brandy C from Rock of Love and Charm School.

The next logical step, for me was to compile a list of Reality Stars I want to see in porn. But then I stopped watching shitty television, made constructive use of my life, and forgot all about the silly things I obsessed over in 2009.

And out of the blue, on accident, I discover that Milf from Real Chance of Love has appeared in a few "sex movies" performing under the names Ahmo Hight and Amy Hite. To be fair, they're only softcore, but you wouldn't know it from the the blog I read it in. You'd think she was doing The World's Heaviest Gangbang. To the writers at Dyfuse.com, please chill the hell out. Most of us grew out of softcore when we were 15. That's not even including the generation, currently in their early 20s, who grew up with the Internet. That number is probably closer to 9.

So no hardcore from Milf but we get boobs, and I assume she's get's it on, rubbing style, with Anna Nicole Smith. I'll probably never know because I'm about as much in a rush to watch that as I am the latest Flavor of Love spinoff.

As I look at Milf again for the first time in years I realize I still feel a kind of way about her. A cuter mix of Vicky Vette and Dana Hayes still applies. If you're reading this, Milf, please consider doing some legitimate pornography. You will have loving fans, at the very head of which will be me. You are absolutely ripe for Milf/Cougar porn. Why waste your life in reality show hell? There's no dignity in it. This is the life for you.

Love,

Oruba

The DoppelGanger and Celebreality

I try. I really do. I try so hard to distance myself from Reality TV but -- some of you have seen this coming -- I find myself watching the newest season of Charm School. Granted, I'm still watching in the same 5 minutes chunks I afford to all of VH1's Celebreality lineup, but my tolerance is slowly, and sadly, building.

I've written about my not-at-all-difficult quests to find the pornwork of my favorite females of Celebreality. I've also written about Celebreality stars I want to see do porn.

And what do you know: two minutes into Charm School Ithought I struck gold again. Brittanya, who, along with being conspicuously absent from the cast listing on the show's website, and seemed to have evaded my notice during Rock Bus of Love, looked like one of my favorite regulars from Naughty America.

Or at least I thought. But bit of googling turned up the fact that Audrey Bitoni and Brittanya O'Campo are two different people. Had not one of them been heavily tattooed, I would have had much more trouble making that asertation. They look remarkably similar.

There is actually a porn star on the show, Brittaney Starr, but I've never been into her.

List of Reality TV Stars I Want to See in Porn

I've already written about my two successful searches for Reality Show contestants who've done porn. I got my fill and I'm glad it was over.


But spending more time at home during these hard times means watching more television. And since Rock of Love Bus, I Love Money 2, For the Love of Ray J, and Real Chance of Love is never not on VH1 I've been watching an unhealthy dose of reality show again. The result--you guessed it--is a list of girls I hope has done porn.This time, fortunately, there is nothing urgent about this list. If I were to stumble across a flick they've done I wouldn't turn it down, but I'm not spending hours of precious time actively looking for it the way I did with Frenchie and Brandi.


Just a note: Many of these women weren't the ones I found to be their show's prettiest. It's just that something about them sticks out and made me notice them. Usually, it's not being an obnoxious loud mouth or flagrantly stupid.

Corn Fed

I hate the douchebags on Real Chance of Love. Women masochistic enough to put themselves through weeks of humiliating reality TV just to date either one of those losers are naturally suspect. Personally I think there's more dignity and payoff in doing porn. There are two girls however who have warmed my heart. So, naturally I'd like to see what they're like in the sack.

The first is Corn Fed, who won and was chosen by Real (if winning means dating a Stallionaire, losing has to be worse than prison). I couldn't help watching Real Chance of Love because it had to have been on 5 times a day everyday all winter. That's how they get you. I never sat through five consecutive minutes of the show but I could tell you what happened in every episode. And I've never seen Corn Fed make an ass of herself.

Maybe it's the hair cut. Maybe it's the fact that her roots are showing (I really don't know what's up with that but I like it). Maybe because she's cute as a button, laid back and demure. But I'm into her and I'm glad (for her sake) that the relationship with "Real" only lasted a couple days. If I come across a flick with her in it I definitely wouldn't pass it up.

Milf

The second Real Chance of Love contestant is Milf. She's older, funny enough the ideal age for Milf Porn. She is actually a mother so it would be authentic if that's your thing. She's a cuter mix of Vicky Vette and Dana Hayes. It is perhaps for this reason I could totally see her doing porn. She's also on I Love Money 2, another show which is never not on VH1 so I got a second dose of her immediately after Real Chance of Love ran its course.

Nikki

This one caught me by surprised and was the only reason I watched Rock Bus of Love for as long as I did. You see, I know Nikki as Lady Tribe, a DJ and (retired) graffiti artist from LA. Seeing her compete for Brett Michaels' affection was a shock, although in hindsight I suspect she might have done it for the publicity. When I first encountered her I entertained the fantasy of seeing her in porn but never thought it would happen. Now after seeing her make an exceptionally trashy ass of herself on Rock Bus of Love, porn might be a step up.

Gia

I didn't watch much Rock Bus of Love so I only came across this woman when I was looking for a decent picture of Nikki. The show's got plenty of hawt women but this one stuck out. I would totally love to see her do gangbang.

Ice

Apparently this girl was on Flavor of Love. I really can't see that, but OK. I've been watching her lately on I Love Money 2. She's laid back, in the cut, not saying to much. As cool as Ice. I would totally date her. She's like the polar opposite of Becky Buckwild (Who I NEVER want to see in porn, not even Ugly Girl Porn). Apparently she's an on-air personality in her hometown of Detroit. I'm guessing the likelihood of her doing porn is slim, but a boy can dream.

Megan

She's appeared on Rock Love, I Love Money and Charm School, but I didn't take notice till she scrapped with Sharon Osbourne on the Charm School Reunion Special. Now I have a burning desire to hate fuck her and splat on her face. Crazy huh? I mean, yes, she's a cunt but there's something to be said when she's the only woman I want to see run through by the lovely gentlemen at Meatholes.

Unique

I rarely watch For the Love of Ray J, but I'm rooting for him out of spite for Kim Kadashian's completely unwarranted fame. Whenever I do catch a few moments this girl always catches my attention. According to her bio, she's dated a pro ball player. So I'm guessing her chances of being in porn are what, 50/50?

Trishelle

I hate the Real World and I wouldn't trust anyone who follows that show religiously. I really go out of my way to avoid it, but I got ensnared during the 12th season by Trishelle. I think she was the first reality star I really wanted to see in porn and this list has dredged her up from the back of my mind. She was a worthless drunk, mildly retarded, vapid, materialistic, slightly racist, just the kind of girl I would have nothing to do with IRL, but man did I want to see her fuck. She did go on to pose in a heavily airbrushed Playboy spread, but that's no real consolation. Besides, this self portrait has much more character than that fakery. I think a $5,000 flick made in someone's living room would capture that same essence.

Something about this list bothers me. Does it jump out at you? Every one of these women are blondes, you say? Yeah, I don't get it. I'm a lifelong brunette man. I'm going through an intense redhead phase in porn (e.g., Leighlani Red, Shannon Kelly). How is it that every one here (even the black chick) is a blonde? I don't know, but the bigger problem is whether I can stop watching reality TV.

A Magical Age Indeed!

We live in an age, a magical age if you ask me, where due to the confluence of several different trends, forces, machinations, what have you, it's possible see a woman on television, get this feeling that she's done porn, head to your computer, and within minutes find pictures of that same woman gobbling cock. I mean, think about that. When I was 13, hell, when I was 21, I could only dream that kind of ability.

The specific instance I draw involves reality TV and a ditzy, French stripper with entirely too much plastic surgery. Did you guess Angelique? Because if you did you might be on the same boat as me.

I was flipping through channels one day and happened upon the mile-long train wreck that is VH1's Rock of Love: Charm School. As much as I hate reality TV, I did like the Surreal Life for about a season or two until VH1 became the 24 hour Flavor Flav Minstrel Network. I was for a while miles away from anything resembling a reality show and couldn't have been happier. But I have a weakness, my friends. You place a pretty woman onscreen, and I will watch. Doesn't matter who she is. She could be a silicone bimbo with the personality and IQ of a cardboard box who sincerely thought that the old bald guy from that has-been hair band was going to choose her and stay with her forever. She could be the laughably inarticulate mouthpiece of the Republican Party. If you catch me off guard with a pretty chick, I will watch. And that's exactly what happened with Charm School.

That show is filled with eye candy. Trashy eye candy, I know, don't judge me. And yes, Angelique caught my eye right away. In fact if she wasn't on the show I probably wouldn't have watched for more than a few minutes. I stuck around because I couldn't get enough of her. Angelique, if you noticed and know me by now is the very shining example of what Ugly Girl Porn is. To make it interesting, she sort of resembles in a grotesque, slutty way, a girl I've dated (this is quite bizarre indeed as the girl in question is quite pretty. The type of girl you bring home to mother). And at first sight, something like PornDar™ went off in my head. I just knew: This girl has done hardcore!

And as soon as the show was over. I went online. Bingo! Took all of five minutes to find out her filmography. Well, it's right there on her website. Just take the time to appreciate that. Imagine in 1995, you're watching the Real World and you're like “Goddamn that Pam is hot. I kind of want to see her naked.” And you went to your computer and on her website there's a list of movies you can purchase where you get to see a man cum on her face. That was unimaginable then. Hell it was unimaginable in 2001. If it happen a few years ago, it would have been big news. Remember that chick who got boot from American Idol because she had done some nude photography some years before? Now, news like that doesn't even make a blip. This is the world we live in. Make of it what you will.

Finding information and naked pictures of Angelique was stupidly simple. It took a bit more effort to score an entire movie. She hadn't done that many scenes (I think it's under five), so they were hard to come by. It was a testament of how much of a hold Ugly Girl Porn and the ghosts of ex-girlfriends have on me, that I was more than willing to spend several hours in front of the computer trying and trying. At the end of the day though I had three flicks, an alarming lack of fluids, and a bit of shame for doing what I did as many times as I did it for who I did it to.