I Love Love Love Anna

This is Anna Vocino. She plays the lovely, but long-suffering Anna on VH1's pee-yr-pants funny Free Radio. I don't particularly want to see her in porn. I just want to see more of her. She makes me feel all tingly inside. Just thought I should share.

I Love Love Love Charlotte

I haven't watched anything from Net Video Girls in years. Are they still putting out new content? I have blissful memories of the girls I've found on there. Not the least of which were Eve Lawrence and August Knight.

But the one who really captured my heart was Charlotte. Need I say it? I love love love Charlotte. She looks exactly like the type of girl I'd date.

[A Blogger's Note: I've been rereading my posts and it has come to my attention that saying X “is a girl I'd date” is something I seem to be doing a lot. I foresee this phrase popping up more in the future and annoying the hell out of everyone. For this reason I've decided to let the power of the ACRONYM (A Clever Re-Organization Nudges Your Memory) speak for me. So instead hitting you over the head every time I talk about wanting to date So and So, I'll just label her WIWTD (Woman I would Totally Date) and leave it at that.]

I suppose the Girl Next Door thing is a cliché for a reason. I never believe the stories weaved in “reality” porn videos but there was something about her that made you think maybe she really was the ingénue she claimed to be. I haven't seen her anywhere else so maybe it's true. Note: if you have seen Charlotte do porn elsewhere or just know for a fact that she's a pro, please don't ruin it for me. I want to live this fantasy.

It's been a few days since I'd written the four paragraphs above and there's already a threat to my fantasy world. I fucked up and did some light research. Some are saying that Charlotte and Alicia Avery, a girl who is is very much not the Girl Next Door cliché and is totally not WIWTD, are one and the same. I respond to this by plugging my ears, closing my eyes and humming “My Girl” as loud a I can.”

For the Sweet Love of Tristan Taormino

I don't know if this has been said before, maybe not on the intertubes at least. If I am truly the first person to publicly announce this, let it be known that I wasn't ashamed to admit it: I think Tristan Taormino is cute. I'm not talking about sleek, airbrushed, super-waify Tristan. I think she's cute just the way she looks in real life.Hell, I think I'd even date her.

Yes, I think it would be cool if we dated, at least for a few months. We could talk about feminist theory, Dostoevsky, or the finer points of butoh. Or we could spend quite evenings at home watching Bergman films or reading Rumi to each other over bottles of Two Buck Chuck.

And in the bedroom I'd do whatever she wants.

I thought about that last line and I take it back because I know exactly how it'll play out. She'll want to explore our sexual possibilities. The word “pansexual” will float out there all casual-like. So will some other dude's name. And I won't have a problem till it occurs to me that it's supposed to be me doing the exploring. To which I will inevitably go, “Sorry, I love you but no homo.”

But I will be the little spoon to her big spoon and we'll spoon. And everything will be perfect for about four months, four and a half months tops.

Also, just to show you the depth of my ignorance, even though I've heard the words “Tristan Taormino,” “Thomas Pynchon,” and “niece” in the same sentence countless times—Being a porn addict and book nerd makes for interesting Venn Diagrams—it didn't register till recently that “Tristan” might not be a man.

Maybe that's why I think she's so cute. I was caught off guard.

The Brief Inner Turmoil Concerning Jackie Ashe

Porn is exploitative. It has the the power to not only objectify people but humiliate and debase them as well. You don't have to be steeped in feminist theory to know that. It's more or less self-evident. And you're like me, the fact that you love porn opens you up to inner conflict. And nothing brings that conflict to the surface than watching a certain type of girl do certain kind of things.

Oh, Jackie Ashe. Jackie Ashe looks eerily a lot like a girl I was heads over heels in love with in high school, right down to the catholic school uniform she wore when I first saw her scene in Bookworm Bitches. Even weirder, and probably stalker-ish and creepy if you give it some thought, I had the best sex of my teen years (it's definitely top ten all-time) with a girl in Haifa, Israel who looked like the both of them. So watching Ms. Ashe is like jump starting two very pleasant sets of memories.

I'll watch Jackie in anything. I have scenes with her from First Time Auditions, Bang Bus, Street Blowjobs, and Jizzbomb. Seeing her onscreen always brings me joy. And in every scene she has this innocent girl ingénue vibe I find refreshing.

Then I heard she was on Midnight Prowl and it made my heart sink. I've never seen her with two dudes, now she's doing gangbang? To be fair, as far as gangbangs go, Midnight Prowl is fairly tame. It's just the whole Meat Members network it's part of of really gets under my skin. I can't stand Frank Wank. I hate Meat Holes with a passion. Watching some douche step on a vagina with his dirty sneaker pisses me off. When you consider all the other stuff I've seen it's a strange place to draw the line, but that's where it is.


The upside to the Midnight Prowl episode is that you see the real Jackie Ashe come through in the little pre-sex interview . And though she's far from the naive ingénue (she lives by herself in Tijuana. Craziness), she's an all around nice chick. I can so see myself dating her.

The scene turned out be pretty good. There was no stepping on vaginas, and certainly no asshole licking, just a regular gangbang. I now watch it at least once of month. Something still perturbs me though. After it's all over, I try to reimagine myself as a sophomore in high school, sitting face to face with the girl I thought at the time I loved more than anything else and probably would've married and seeded had the situation been different. Then I ask myself, could I have foreseen a future where I would delight in seeing a smiling face very similar to hers covered with the semen of 7 dudes? Could I have foreseen a future where it's nothing for me to use a phrase like “just a regular gangbang?”