Thursday, June 18, 2009

Porn Star Haiku: Alix Lakehurst

You, Me, and a weekend
In Ocean View with ten bucks
of Chuck Shaw red.


From the always hilarious XKCD.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Concerning Whitney Wonders' Asshole

I came across this picture yesterday while searching for images of Whitney Wonders. I'm left with no choice but to respond:

To the Photographer: I've never been a fan of that airbrushed look that graces so many magazines, porn or otherwise. I mean, why present an impossible ideal and make women nation-wide even more neurotic and insecure about their self-image than they already are? I say keep the freckles, blemishes, and lines. As far as porn pics go, I never fret over the sight of the occasion razor burn, but have some professional pride, man. If you insist on showing Whitney Wonder's asshole at least have the decency to shop out the hemorrhoid. I don't care how weird people's fetishes are, no one wants to see that. If I wanted a face full of piles I would've followed the lucrative career path to proctology. C'mon, dude.

To Ms. Wonder: I am aware that Naughty America or any of the other production companies you've worked for probably don't provide health insurance coverage (to which I would recommend joining a freelancer's union or perhaps looking into an arrangement like the strippers of San Francisco, but all that is a discussion for another day). Besides, hemorrhoid removal is probably considered cosmetic or elective surgery anyway. Still, the way I see it: if you can afford $6000 for unrealistically ginormous boobage, you can pony up the cash to get the hemorrhoids lasered off your otherwise lovely asshole. If nothing else, consider it an investment into your career. My guess is that the Hemorrhoid Lovers' niche is too small to pay the bills. I've entertained the notion that you were completely oblivious to your little friend's presence back there till just now. Please direct your anger at the photographer. Hopefully, the embarrassment at the situation will prompt you into action.


Friday, June 5, 2009

Working Blue

I'll admit it. No else has; I can't be the only one. For a brief period of time I was confusing Raven Black with Whitney Wonder. How could you not? Two sexy porn starlets with similar builds and hair color, it was bound to happen. I love them both so it was never an ordeal if I was expecting one and got the other. The milk was never sour or spilt. Stroke sessions were always fulfilling.

I did learn after a week or two to differentiate them, but for ever after the two were linked in my mind. Watching one perform would inevitably bring up thoughts of the other. It's not at all uncommon for me to watch a Whitney Wonders scene right after a Raven Black one and vice versa.

But a change has come and Raven Black has gone and dyed her hair. Knowing my tendency to be oblivious to everything, this is probably news to no one. She's probably been working blue for quite a few months if not more. Never mind that--I'd like to go on the record and say that her new hair color drives me absolutely wild. Her newer scenes have all but consumed me these past few days.

The part of me that loves absurdity, lulz, and unnecessary drama wants Whitney Wonders to follow suit with an identical dye job. Then, ensuing tension that can only be relieved with either an on camera catfight or a blue on blue girl/girl.

Someone really needs to make that a reality.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Great Cum Lines #1

Something I love to no end is to hear witty banter on film. Even better if the actors are naked. Even better than that if it follows the money shot. My favorite such line I heard in a flick I saw in high school.

It involved a couple fucking outdoors. After he shoots his load he delivers a line with the dry cool wit of an action star: Best suntan lotion money can buy.

Why haven't anyone compiled a list of gems like this? I'm gonna start.

The first one comes from a Naughty Office episode from a few years back featuring the ever hard-working Jackie Moore.

Jackie Moore: Your fucking cum tastes so good.

Nameless Porn Stud: I've been eating a lot of candy.

Monday, June 1, 2009

I Hate IR #2

From: Black Cock Addiction

Starring: Kayla Marie

What Transpires: A convincingly addled, perhaps too convincingly addled, Kayla Marie approaches two black men. She asks the incredulous pair to sell her some crack. She doesn't have any money but she offers a cheeseburger. The two take her back to their place and fuck the shit out of her. That'll show her to assume they're crack dealers.