Thursday, January 15, 2009

Hailey's New Do

This is Haileey James. Or rather, this is the Haileey James I knew till recently. The girl went and got a haircut. And while I've never been the type to gush over the hairstyles of porn stars, I must say that Ms. James' new do makes her look as cute as a button. Of course you'll have to block out the two black dicks and the protein mustache, but ain't she pretty? Can't wait to see that IR Gangbang at Blacks on Blondes.

Hilarious Porn Copy #1

There's nothing funnier than porn copy sometimes. No, you don't agree? Well, how about this? Allow me to quote my favorite part:

This girl loves every minute of it and before long, has Mikey's cock spewing like a wounded squid! Hey....We need a mop over here!
Case in point.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I Am Irrevocably Damaged

This is the way my mind works: I have the tendency to associate two entirely different things with each other. Depending on your worldview, I'm either a multitasker or scatterbrained. Either way, I usually have a lot of things going on at once.

Allow me an example. Many years ago when I was a wee lad of say 12 or 13, I spent a few days reading Richard Bachman's Long Walk. Richard Bachman—pseudonym of pre-Carrie Stephen King—wrote this perfectly harrowing tale of a walking race from the top of Maine to Boston. Sure, it sounds lame, but the story gave me chills straight through.

The whole time, several hours of reading at a pop for the whole weekend, I had the radio on, and in those days of not knowing any better, it was tuned to the top 40 station. And the song that was in ludicrous rotation, no less than twice an hour and usually more, was REM's “What's the frequency Kenneth.”

To this day I can't listen to that song without chills running down my spine and a vague sense of fear and apprehension washing over me .

With that in mind it seems inevitable for a similar situation to arise with porn. Hell, if I sit and think about it I probably could come up with quite a few instances. But the one that sticks out in my mind involves Maria Moore the BBW actress, Allen Ginsberg the Beat poet, and Bono greatest-man-in-the-world/douchebag.

Did I get your attention? Good, that means you find this potentially disturbing. That means you are more of an upstanding representative of the human race than you give yourself credit for. What I'm saying essentially is that you are not me.

It's probably not as sick as you think, albeit still a little weird.

I was listening to a collaborative effort between Ginsberg and U2 entitled “Miami.” It's basically Ginsberg reciting a poem about vacationing in Miami, music in the background and Bono singing the just recited lines. Sure, that sounds lame, but it's way cooler than you think. I would just have it on repeat. It served as soundtrack to whatever I was doing for those couple days.

Incidentally one of the things I was doing was falling in love with Maria Moore. I had her first hardcore scene with Bang Bros on ludicrous rotation. There were a few stroke sessions but mostly I would just play it as background. Call me crazy obsessed but I love hearing Maria Moore's voice. I love hearing her laugh, something she does a lot of.

So the year's 2004. I have this schizophrenic amalgam of poetry/music about Miami playing simultaneously with porn set in Miami, while I write a paper, or talk on the phone, or practice scales, or lie in bed motionless staring at the ceiling. Of course associations were going to form. Pavlov would've had a field day with me! To this day, I can't hear that poem without having to conceal chub. Thankfully it's obscure enough so that it rarely happens. Still happens though. And when ever I see a Maria Moore flick (I thanked every god I could think of when she started doing hardcore again) I have to take a moment to suppress thoughts of Allen Ginsberg's massive beard and finger cymbals. Thankfully, I don't think of Bono in any sort of way else I'd have ended it with a bullet long ago.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Death of a Starlet

So it was like this. I had a hankering for Britney Madison. Now, Britney isn't exactly Ugly Girl Porn, I mean she kind of cute. But she's not exactly the type of girl you'd walk around the mall with. I guess she appeals to a side of me that's secretly attracted to trashy blondes. This is the same side of me that has the hots for Goldie Cox.

My minds wanders sometimes, and right in the middle of watching her video I try to find more info about her. Maybe get a movie or two downloading while I got back to watching. And that's when I found out what many of you probably already know. Britney Madison had been dead for about three years; car crash (where the hell was I?).

Now what would you do? Would you stop all together? Would you switch her out with someone else? Or would you just say “fuck it?” If this has never happened to you just give yourself a minute to think about it. Can you guess my course of action? I'll give you a clue. It came with rationalization, guilt and more rationalization.

To put it in perspective, I've dealt with two porn star deaths recently. The first was Haley Paige, who I've never was really into. I have a Cumfiesta scene of hers that I never watch. The second one was huge! Anna Malle. I've been into Anna Malle since first started watching porn. She along with Jeanna Fine formed my idea of what a wanton woman was. I've seen Latex an unhealthy number of times. Yet the moment I found about her passing, that was the end. Truthfully, I haven't thought about her till now. I don't even own a single image of her.

Now, there is no doubt that at this very moment there is in all likelihood someone out there beating off to a picture of Marilyn Monroe. People still buy Savannah movies. And I don't judge them. In the end it's just images. You're not actually having sex with a dead girl. But something in me can't get around to even think about it. It's almost like necrophilia by proxy.

So that's what was on my mind when I debated going back to the Britney Madison scene. She's cute and all but by far no Anna Malle. On the other hand if I'd found out about Anna's Death right in the middle of watching that scene where she gets it on with Jeanna Fine and a Trojan warrior, I would've broke my own rule much much earlier. It's the fact that I was already halfway. Yes, the thing that's gotten many a man in trouble.

And after I done I didn't feel the doom that I get when I jerk off to something I shouldn't have. I masturbate to taboo stuff so rarely that when it happens I expect that doom feeling to come exponentially more potent than before. But none of that happened. In fact it was just like a regular stroke session. And when it was all over, I looked upon her smiling face, thanked her for making me feel good, hoped that she had a full and fulfilling life, and if there's anything left of her call it what you will a soul an essence, spirit, I hope it went to a better place than this.

Goldie Cox, Lusting For White Trash Girls, and a Blogger's Apology

Ugly Girl Porn opens itself to several subcategories, one of which after some reflection is White Trash Girls. What's got me thinking about White Trash Girls in porn is my latest fascination with Goldie Cox.

I've been thinking between this paragraph and the last and maybe it's unfair to call Ms. Cox white trash. She seems like sweet girl, if a little clueless looking. And what is it calling someone white trash anyway other than some classist trip of superiority? Who needs that kind of prejudice this day and age? All I wanna do is touch myself at the sight of pretty woman. letting the waves of pleasure wash over me when I get where I'm going. Is that too much to ask?

We're all in this together. Life's too short and precarious to rule out people because of their background or education or accents. I haven't figured out why yet, but Goldie makes me feel a certain kind of way; I like her for it, and if you're reading this Ms. Cox, I sincerely apologize for calling you white trash and thank you for doing porn.

Julie Ellis, I Thought I Knew You

Misunderstanding. Misunderstanding is how I came upon Julie Ellis. I saw pictures of her scene on Blacks on Blondes and mistook her for someone else. Not anyone in particular, but merely the type of woman you only see, if you're lucky, on Burning Angel or Suicide Girls or in some Eon Mckai flick. Aside from those places you'll never see her doing porn, much less IR gangbang.

I'm talking about the pale, sometimes anemic sometimes plump, girl with the 1955 horn rimmed glasses and funky, irreverent tattoos of things like letterpresses and beetles. She spent some time at Sarah Lawrence but couldn't stand the stuck up bitches there and finished out her degree at State. She's currently getting her Masters in Library Science at Columbia. She reads Ayn Rand and laughs. She reads Murakami and cries. She listens to the Minutemen, a lot. You see her pretty often, about twice a month, at punk shows in someone's living room or basement or backyard. You can never talk to her because you're either too drunk to pull it off or your hasty ass is already with someone. And at 3 am when she hops on her bicycle and rides home, you curse yourself for your lack of courage/sobriety/singlehood and hum that Smiths song to yourself.

This is a hypothetical woman, of course. Sometimes my preferences can get insanely specific. It's a wonder how I ever get laid.

You could see my urgency in trying to get a copy of the video. It took a few hours, because it's fairly new. Julie Ellis scenes are hard to come by at all. She's only been in two or three movies. Boy was I in for a surprise.

Maybe I saw what I wanted to see in the pictures. Maybe I was feeling particularly wistful that day, I don't know. But the actual Julie Ellis is a far far cry from my (hypothetical) indie princess.

The scene starts with her walking right through the middle of a dice game. And “walking” would be a kind yet inaccurate way of describing it. It would be fair to say rather that she plopped or clopped, something onomatopoeic that implies a none too graceful animal. The boys seek their revenge by having sex with her. Because that'll show her.

Maybe you knew guys like this. Late in middle school or in high school. I doubt you'll run across them in college, not that they're dumb but they have different priorities in life. But you'll hear a persistent rumor that they ran a train on a retarded girl. I've asked around. A surprising amount people know guys like these. And the guys, if they admit to it, which they rarely do, they'll say it was because she was there; she probably galumphed through their dice game.

And the girl's not like retarded retarded. She doesn't ride the short bus and she's in the same classes as the rest of us. But she doesn't quite act her age, she has trouble with the big words, her face is a little more slack than it should be. and she can be easily talked into things. Julie Ellis is that girl.

And I watched the whole scene. And loved it. Because something's wrong with me.

I rationalized it at first by saying to myself, that I spent all that time and effort looking for it might as well watch it. So what if you wouldn't even look in her direction IRL. Then the reason, after the stroke session went underway, became that from the neck down, she looks like someone I've been with. A strange thing is that as I grow older porn becomes less about unattainable fantasy and more about rekindling of memory.

But rationalized all I did the fact remained that at the end of the day, it was really about the intersection of three things, two of which I feel ashamed for liking: Ugly Girl Porn, IR, and Gangbang.

I sigh, and gripe, and bitch, but I'll probably watch it again before the month is over.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

My Prayers Have Been Answered

Didn't I say we live in a magical age? Not too long ago I was on here wishing that Brandi C of VH1 reality TV fame had done porn. And lo and behold! She performed under the name Brittany Burke and did a few scenes for various reality porn sites (I see continuity is her strong suit). Surprisingly unlike, well, everyone else, she ventured into porn after appearing on reality television According to her Myspace blog, it was a one time thing for kicks and now it's behind her. Huh.

I'm aware that I might the last guy on the internet to see her naked. In my defense, I didn't even know who this girl was till a month ago. Damn you, TV for sucking me back in.

The crazy thing about my quest to see Ms. C in some hardcore action is that even though her filmography is as limited as Angelique's, I didn't have to put in anywhere near the effort. By the end the day I'd seen her scenes with In the VIP, Baby Got Boobs, Boobs & Bottoms, and Wife Swap and I was happy, for a while. But alas I can never stay content and now I'm trying to find stuff with her hair pink. Sigh.

Now, if I could only find a gang bang with Ashleigh Banfield, then all of my prayers would truly be answered.

It Never Ends!

An additional upside to living in a world where the women on TV are more and more likely to be in porn is that now that I've seen someone like Angelique—AKA Frenchie—fuck and suck, I have no need to see her on crappy television. I would've been free to live life free of Charm School if I didn't have the hots for Brandi C. I sense a pink hair obsession rearing its ugly head. I saw a clip on The Soup of her spitting in Destiny's face. And because years of porn have warped my mind, I found that unbelievable hot. Now I'm praying she's done gonzo. I need help.

A Magical Age Indeed!

We live in an age, a magical age if you ask me, where due to the confluence of several different trends, forces, machinations, what have you, it's possible see a woman on television, get this feeling that she's done porn, head to your computer, and within minutes find pictures of that same woman gobbling cock. I mean, think about that. When I was 13, hell, when I was 21, I could only dream that kind of ability.

The specific instance I draw involves reality TV and a ditzy, French stripper with entirely too much plastic surgery. Did you guess Angelique? Because if you did you might be on the same boat as me.

I was flipping through channels one day and happened upon the mile-long train wreck that is VH1's Rock of Love: Charm School. As much as I hate reality TV, I did like the Surreal Life for about a season or two until VH1 became the 24 hour Flavor Flav Minstrel Network. I was for a while miles away from anything resembling a reality show and couldn't have been happier. But I have a weakness, my friends. You place a pretty woman onscreen, and I will watch. Doesn't matter who she is. She could be a silicone bimbo with the personality and IQ of a cardboard box who sincerely thought that the old bald guy from that has-been hair band was going to choose her and stay with her forever. She could be the laughably inarticulate mouthpiece of the Republican Party. If you catch me off guard with a pretty chick, I will watch. And that's exactly what happened with Charm School.

That show is filled with eye candy. Trashy eye candy, I know, don't judge me. And yes, Angelique caught my eye right away. In fact if she wasn't on the show I probably wouldn't have watched for more than a few minutes. I stuck around because I couldn't get enough of her. Angelique, if you noticed and know me by now is the very shining example of what Ugly Girl Porn is. To make it interesting, she sort of resembles in a grotesque, slutty way, a girl I've dated (this is quite bizarre indeed as the girl in question is quite pretty. The type of girl you bring home to mother). And at first sight, something like PornDar™ went off in my head. I just knew: This girl has done hardcore!

And as soon as the show was over. I went online. Bingo! Took all of five minutes to find out her filmography. Well, it's right there on her website. Just take the time to appreciate that. Imagine in 1995, you're watching the Real World and you're like “Goddamn that Pam is hot. I kind of want to see her naked.” And you went to your computer and on her website there's a list of movies you can purchase where you get to see a man cum on her face. That was unimaginable then. Hell it was unimaginable in 2001. If it happen a few years ago, it would have been big news. Remember that chick who got boot from American Idol because she had done some nude photography some years before? Now, news like that doesn't even make a blip. This is the world we live in. Make of it what you will.

Finding information and naked pictures of Angelique was stupidly simple. It took a bit more effort to score an entire movie. She hadn't done that many scenes (I think it's under five), so they were hard to come by. It was a testament of how much of a hold Ugly Girl Porn and the ghosts of ex-girlfriends have on me, that I was more than willing to spend several hours in front of the computer trying and trying. At the end of the day though I had three flicks, an alarming lack of fluids, and a bit of shame for doing what I did as many times as I did it for who I did it to.

Monday, January 5, 2009

And With the First Post I Introduce the Reader to Shawna Red and Ugly Girl Porn

A girl I dated once, hit the nail right on the head. She was going through my collection when she commented—maybe she was jealous, I don't know—that I seemed to like “Ugly Girl Porn.” I laughed but those was the truest words ever spoken by her.

Let my clarify: I don't only like Ugly Girl Porn. The same way I don't only like BBW. The same way I don't only like IR. The same way I don't only like a few things, but it registers in what I have . You notice it pretty quickly.

Another clarification: by Ugly I don't mean drop dead hideous. That's a special man who can get down like that. I'm not mad at him but I can't fill those shoes. I just mean Ugly as in being totally not the type of girl I would even be seen with. For example I have this thing for horse-faced women that goes back to an odd fixation for Sarah Jessica Parker in the early nineties. Don't ask; I don't get it either. Thankfully, Sex and the City cured me of all that.

With that I give you Shawna Red. I own a Spunkmouth vid she did a few years ago. And what a horrible scene that is. She, an obvious newbie, doesn't give the most spectacular performance. However, I lay the onus of the blame on the woodsmen. Her co-stars, both of them, couldn't possibly look more bored. They looked like they'd rather be playing Xbox, like they got their controllers taken away by the director right before shooting started. Have you ever seen two guys sulk their way through sex? It's sad. It's real sad.

And yet I still watch this shitty scene several times a year. I love Shawna Red. The long bony face. The too big lips. The hennaed out hair. Drives me nuts. Unfortunately for me, it doesn't seem like she stayed in the business very long. The evidence of which I could find is that god awful Spunkmouth scene and one for Real Arizona Amateurs that I can't get a hold of (for free). Anybody have any info?