Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Porn Star Haiku: Jaylynn Sinns

Even beneath the sheets,
Even at night, smiles like yours
Will light rooms and hearts.

Monday, September 28, 2009

I Love Love Love Fatty D

I used to room with the coolest chick. We lived in a one story bungalow at the edge of Berkeley and all was awesome. She used to keep the bathroom stocked with issues of Vice she stole from work. It was in one such magazine a few years ago where I first encountered April Flores (AKA Fatty D).

There was a review of The Voluptuous Life. "Who is this beauty on the cover?" Love at first sight. Smitten on the can. A week later, Rose was able to steal a copy from work. We watched together straight away even though we weren't intimate and we had only known each other a few weeks. Our shared love of April Flores was the first of many bonding experiences. She also shared my disappointment at not seeing Ms. Flores in hardcore action.

It was a lovely day when I found out about Waist Watchers 4. I had long since moved back to the East Coast but I was on the phone with Rose within minutes of finding out about Fatty D's first Boy/Girl. Why a 35 year-old lesbian has as much interest in seeing a bbw do some dude as I do, I'll never know, but God bless that woman. We were unable to watch it together, but she sent me a copy (snagged from work, of course), with her remarks on a Post-It note. And I was happy for a while.

But you know me. When it comes to porn, I am never satisfied. Just one scene won't do. I waited impatiently for the next.

So I'm laying here with my laptop on my lap. I'm taking a break from my nearly done paper and listening to April's appearance on "The Sheena Metal Experience". Clicking around on the internets while I listen, I find that she's done another boy/girl, interracial at that!
I have quite a few issues with IR, but watch it anyway because I'm a conflicted bastard. But a big pro for me is identification. I identify with the dude onscreen. As a brown fellow myself, seeing a fellow brown fellow have sex makes it easier to see myself as him. Anything that makes it easier to see myself having sex with Fatty D, in particular, makes me happy.

Just now on the show, Fatty mentioned that very scene in passing. Now she just said how she won't be doing another Boy/Girl for a while. Oh well. Hopefully I'll stay happy with this (but you know I won't).

As soon as I'm done writing this post, I'll be on the phone with Rose. I'm in no rush; I won't be pulling my pud for a few months. But it's good to have a (most likely stolen) copy of Belladonna's Dark Meat 3 with Rose's notes waiting for me when I go back to being a deviant.

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Sasha Grey Experience

I took forever to watch the movie. Then I put off writing about it for forever more days. Here it is, way after everyone else, my review of The Girlfriend Experience.

What can I say that hasn't been said by someone more articulate six months ago? The Girlfriend Experience is a stunning movie, even more so when you take into account the tiny budget, and the lightening-quick speed it progressed from conception to release. The cinematography is gorgeous. The mise en scène is perfect. Soderbergh shoots Sasha beautifully, perhaps better than any porn director (I know that's a "no shit" statement, but it's something that struck me immediately). I was expecting something akin to Bubble, another low-budget Soderbergh movie shot on digital with no name actors. The Girlfriend Experience exceeded those expectations.

I could go on about the substance of the thing, about how TGE is about the intersection of Beauty, Commerce, the question of Identity, and the very human need for Intimacy, but it isn't a review per se I set out to write.

This is supposed to be my first impression of Sasha Grey. It's kind of impossible to have a pulse these days and not have heard her name, or see her picture naked more likely than not engaged in some sort of gangbang activity, or hear how much smarter she is than the rest of us. Somehow I was able to get all that and not have sat through a porn movie with her in it. Bizarre!

I've condensed my impression into thoughts (not all about Sasha Grey):

1) Who has eyebrows like that? Like, really!

2)They should rename the movie When Will Sasha Grey Smile? I kept going "Almost, almost. Yes! No! She was just getting something out of her teeth. Maybe next time."

3) Dude looks like Casey Affleck!

4) Imagine where this could have gone if it had ten times the budget and Natalie Portman playing Chelsea...and Casey Affleck!

5) Sasha Grey is actually not a bad actress. I mean, she's a bit wooden and emotionless, but I think that's the role.

6) I'm so in love with Christina Nadeau, the girl who plays Chelsea's friend. I would so date her. Much more so than Sasha Grey.

7) This movie is like American Psycho Lite. A chunk of the dialogue is Chelsea mechanically listing high end consumer items. Yep, like American Psycho with none of the gore, and oddly enough, less of the sex.

8) Another girl I would date over Sasha is Meriam Benezra, who's onscreen literally for three seconds as a street musician. Three seconds is all I need to launch into fantasy. We'd spend our days busking for change on the F train platform, our evenings crashing open bars and gallery openings (free wine), our nights in each other's arms engaged in conversation much more riveting than anything you could get out of Sasha Grey.

After it was all over, after I got my first prolonged dose of Ms. Grey, I checked out Anal Acrobats 3 and watched her pop croquet balls out of her ass. She seemed so much more at ease, as if she was genuinely enjoying herself.
Ah, the strange future we've made for ourselves!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Oh, Chasey. Oh, the Humanity!

She was billed The Most Beautiful Woman in Porn. I was 13 and in love.

Fast-forward fifteen years and the once smitten boy finds the remains of Chasey Lain at Porn Star Update. My heart is broken. Is it awful that I'd rather found she died?

The good news is that I've seen worse (admittedly no one I've lost fluid over), and rehab is always an option even for the hopelessly cracked-out. Whitney is making a come back. Maybe Chasey will in a year or two. There's a lively Milf/Cougar market waiting for her. I'm pulling for you, Chasey. You can come back from this:

Friday, September 18, 2009

Where The Hell Is Oruba Stone?

"Why haven't you been updating," asks the chorus comprising all twenty of my readers.

I suppose I owe you all a reply.

My answer is twofold:

1) The Great Depression 2.0 has done the impossible and sent me scurrying to grad school. The program I'm in is extremely intensive. Loads of reading. Loads of writing. Very little time for anything else. I've only begun to tweet again.

2) Early into my new endeavor, I knew that I was going to need all my mental and physical fortitude. So I decided it best I do something I haven't done in ten years and give up masturbation. At least till exams are over. Surprisingly, it's not as hard as I thought it'd be, but literally overnight, critiquing porn became virtually impossible.

But I miss blogging. I can't stay away too long. And if nothing else, maintaining Neckties gives me enough pretext to leave pithy comments over at Alison Hart's delightfully insightful blog.

So here they are. Resolutions.

1) I'm getting back to updating when I can. Updates won't be as regular as before, and will be more likely to be Porn Star Haikus than long treatises on pornified culture, but I certainly will spend more of my rare free time putting something up.

2) What makes this interesting is to be doing all this while refraining from self love. This occurred to me yesterday when as luck would have it a copy of My Big Plump Wedding came into my possession. I fought the urge to review it knowing that had I not, I'd be fighting a relapse (it was a struggle just getting the link). After some thought, I figure the constant, tortured tension would give updates that edge you only see in love notes from good Catholic girls. Why not? Fuck it.

This might be an absolutely great idea or an incredibly dumb one.

It's good to be back. Thank you for your continued readership, all twenty of you,