The Character Named Milf Actually Did Porn? No Way!

A pervasive point of wonder and discussion when Neckties for Reptiles began was the new increased probability that the woman you were pining for on television has done porn. Equally, awesome is how we live in an age where it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to find and download the flick. Sometimes in a matter of minutes. This is especially true for the stars of VH1 CelebReality programming.

Didn't take long to find stuff on Frenchy or Brandy C from Rock of Love and Charm School.

The next logical step, for me was to compile a list of Reality Stars I want to see in porn. But then I stopped watching shitty television, made constructive use of my life, and forgot all about the silly things I obsessed over in 2009.

And out of the blue, on accident, I discover that Milf from Real Chance of Love has appeared in a few "sex movies" performing under the names Ahmo Hight and Amy Hite. To be fair, they're only softcore, but you wouldn't know it from the the blog I read it in. You'd think she was doing The World's Heaviest Gangbang. To the writers at Dyfuse.com, please chill the hell out. Most of us grew out of softcore when we were 15. That's not even including the generation, currently in their early 20s, who grew up with the Internet. That number is probably closer to 9.

So no hardcore from Milf but we get boobs, and I assume she's get's it on, rubbing style, with Anna Nicole Smith. I'll probably never know because I'm about as much in a rush to watch that as I am the latest Flavor of Love spinoff.

As I look at Milf again for the first time in years I realize I still feel a kind of way about her. A cuter mix of Vicky Vette and Dana Hayes still applies. If you're reading this, Milf, please consider doing some legitimate pornography. You will have loving fans, at the very head of which will be me. You are absolutely ripe for Milf/Cougar porn. Why waste your life in reality show hell? There's no dignity in it. This is the life for you.

Love,

Oruba

An Interview With Jeanna Fine

Found this while surfing on the Inter-tron. It was posted in 2008. The interview was held in 2005. If my math is correct, her son is approaching the age of majority. Doing the Good Mom Thing should no longer be an excuse. Push baby bird from the nest and let's make some Milf Porn!

An Open Letter To Jeanna Fine

Dear Ms. Fine,

Allow me to start off by saying that I have been a fan of yours for a great many years now, nearly half of my life. Your onscreen exploits made an indelible imprint on me during my formative years. I doubt I will ever forget the effortlessly waton sexuality that you exuded. For that I want to thank you for making my adolescence what it was.

The reason for the letter is to implore you, beg you, to return to porn once more. I know I can't be the only person who's been waiting for you to come back. I sincerely believe that your return will stoke the pornstalgic flames of many men my age as well as enflame the hearts and passions of a new generation of youth.

The time is ripe; it has been for a few years now. The new swell of Milf and Cougar porn has brought many of the legends of yesteryear back to the forefront of our nation's pornographic consciousness. Your background reveals that you are Milf Compliant. Even without kids, you would fit quite naturally as an uberCougar, a role you seemed destined to play since the the early 90's.

If retirement is too sweet a deal to leave behind, please consider a limited run at the top reality sites. Or perhaps a season as Naughty America's Milf/Cougar-In-Residence?

I can't convey how much your return, however brief, would mean to young men (and maybe some women too) around the country. You would be doing us all a great honor even thinking about it.

With what I assume to be love and what I know to be the most sincere admiration,

You everlong fan,

Oruba Stone

Woodsmen and Cougars

Like most men, I once habored a desire to be a porn stud. I have since disabused myself of the notion for the usual reasons:

• I cling to an utterly unrealistic hope of running for Congress someday. A porn past might be a wee bit detrimental.
• The real fact that my mother is still alive and knows how to use Google.
• The equally real possibility that my future children will be just as net savvy and porn hungry as their old man and will be able to recognize a 20-something version of their father if not by looks then by his birthmarks, piercings and tattoos.
• Everything will be on HD soon; there can be no denying it's you.

It's a hard life anyway. You get paid shit. You can't pick your partners; a dude with a Yes or No List is laughable. You have to be able to cum on command. If there's another guy in the scene you will inevitably touch dicks. And that's nothing because unless you're a superstar, if you want to make money in the business you definitely will have to go "gay for pay."

Still the thought comes into my head, though I'll never act on it. Sometimes, when I'm with someone I love, or more likely someone I just met but feel tenderly for regardless, and I find I have trouble achieving orgasm due to too much alcohol and anxiety, I like to pretend I'm on a set, under many bright lights with two cameras pointed at me and I'm fucking a girl who's body of work I admire but franky just met two hours earlier. I image that the directer has given me the green light to blow my load.

It almost always works. I don't know if that speaks profoundly about me or the times we live in. Probably both.

This I hope should serve as a springboard for the two things on my mind today: Today's woodsmen -- who are, let's face it, my age or younger -- and Milf/Cougar porn bringing past legends back into the spotlight.

The way I see it, unless these guys are all-out gay, they share a porn past with me. They probably spent their adolescence sneaking copies of Cherie, Club, Penthouse, High Society; watching scrambled porn; sending away for copies of the Adam & Eve catalog. I imagine that a 25 year old porn stud, like me has spent a considerable amount of his formative years beating off to Rayveness, Janine, Debi Diamond, Kylie Ireland, Jill Kelley, Teri Weigel, Julia Ann to name a few. I imagine that boy growing up and ten years later finding himself on a porno set about to actually bed down one of his early fantasies. How unreal would that be? Would it be akin to being called up to the majors with your first at bat facing Roger Clemens (Yes, I compared sex with a porn star to baseball)? Or would the routine of doing this regularly set in and it be just another job?

I wonder if there have been any starstuck moments. Maybe a geeked out dude fumbling for a pen and pad to get Nina Hartley's autograph. Does he brag about it to his friends afterwards?

Debi Diamond Is Back!

Debi Diamond is following me on Twitter. In the back of my mind I think all the porn stars a'tweetin' are really bots or the president of their fan clubs or the intern from their publicist's office. But, just to make my life more magical than it is, I suspend my disbelief. There's something exhiliarating about peeping into the quotidian goings-ons of their lives. Something comforting in knowing that porn starlets can be just as boring as you.

Most of Ms. Diamond's tweets seem to be semi-coherent articulations of a barely controllable sexual urge. This makes me think bot simply because it's so very different from your more typical porn starlet tweets which run the gamut of: boarding flights, deboarding flights, doing laundry, cleaning out the basement, going to the salon, etc. Her other tweets sound like haiku-like exclamations into the maelstrom of the Twitterverse from a person with an intense lust for life. This makes me think person, and an interesting one at that.

I can assume that Debi is tweeting because of her return to the adult film industry. She started making movies again after an absence of over a decade. Once again, thank God for Milf/Cougar porn.

It's been years since I've thought of Debi Diamond. I'm going to date myself and say that I have memories of surreptiously checking out her pictures on Jordan Lee's now defunct website, praying that the librarian wouldn't come around before the Slow-As-Chinese-Torture dial up modem finished downloading.

Needless to say Ms. Diamond's return has triggered pornstalgia. And quicker than you could say "I love the future," I had a copy of her recent scene.

Let me say that Dirty Rotten Motherfuckers 3 is a veritable Who's Who of women I used to jerk off to when I was 15:

Tabitha Stevens - I had no idea what this woman looked like in unscrambled form

Shayla LaVeaux - I just got used to not thinking of her when I see Shyla Stylez's name.

And five minutes into her scene I remember why I used to be uncomfortable watching her fuck: All that slapping, spitting, forcing, and screaming. You have that sinking feeling that you're witnessing rape. But she's so into it you suspend your disbelief and tell yourself that it's pretend; she'll walk away unscathed when the cameras turn off, collect her paycheck, and go off to do some twitter-worthy things like look for new flatware at Crate and Barrel. And you suspend long enough to get through the stroke session. And for the most part you leave it behind you and get on with your day, but deep inside you feel an intense pity for her and you question what you did.

I remember -- many years ago, around the time when it was a considered good day to have downloaded 20 porn pics -- reading an article in Rolling Stone about the then burgeoning porn industry. The article featured Seymore Butts and Nina Hartley, but it was Debi Diamond who I remember most vividly. The reporter was there to witness one of her scenes, a particularly brutal one, where her necklace is ripped off of her neck, pearls scattering everywhere. When it was over Debi tells the reporter in what I alternatingly remember as an either nonchalent or sorrowful tone that she was given that necklace by her dead grandmother.

Ah, Pathos.

List of Reality TV Stars I Want to See in Porn

I've already written about my two successful searches for Reality Show contestants who've done porn. I got my fill and I'm glad it was over.


But spending more time at home during these hard times means watching more television. And since Rock of Love Bus, I Love Money 2, For the Love of Ray J, and Real Chance of Love is never not on VH1 I've been watching an unhealthy dose of reality show again. The result--you guessed it--is a list of girls I hope has done porn.This time, fortunately, there is nothing urgent about this list. If I were to stumble across a flick they've done I wouldn't turn it down, but I'm not spending hours of precious time actively looking for it the way I did with Frenchie and Brandi.


Just a note: Many of these women weren't the ones I found to be their show's prettiest. It's just that something about them sticks out and made me notice them. Usually, it's not being an obnoxious loud mouth or flagrantly stupid.

Corn Fed

I hate the douchebags on Real Chance of Love. Women masochistic enough to put themselves through weeks of humiliating reality TV just to date either one of those losers are naturally suspect. Personally I think there's more dignity and payoff in doing porn. There are two girls however who have warmed my heart. So, naturally I'd like to see what they're like in the sack.

The first is Corn Fed, who won and was chosen by Real (if winning means dating a Stallionaire, losing has to be worse than prison). I couldn't help watching Real Chance of Love because it had to have been on 5 times a day everyday all winter. That's how they get you. I never sat through five consecutive minutes of the show but I could tell you what happened in every episode. And I've never seen Corn Fed make an ass of herself.

Maybe it's the hair cut. Maybe it's the fact that her roots are showing (I really don't know what's up with that but I like it). Maybe because she's cute as a button, laid back and demure. But I'm into her and I'm glad (for her sake) that the relationship with "Real" only lasted a couple days. If I come across a flick with her in it I definitely wouldn't pass it up.

Milf

The second Real Chance of Love contestant is Milf. She's older, funny enough the ideal age for Milf Porn. She is actually a mother so it would be authentic if that's your thing. She's a cuter mix of Vicky Vette and Dana Hayes. It is perhaps for this reason I could totally see her doing porn. She's also on I Love Money 2, another show which is never not on VH1 so I got a second dose of her immediately after Real Chance of Love ran its course.

Nikki

This one caught me by surprised and was the only reason I watched Rock Bus of Love for as long as I did. You see, I know Nikki as Lady Tribe, a DJ and (retired) graffiti artist from LA. Seeing her compete for Brett Michaels' affection was a shock, although in hindsight I suspect she might have done it for the publicity. When I first encountered her I entertained the fantasy of seeing her in porn but never thought it would happen. Now after seeing her make an exceptionally trashy ass of herself on Rock Bus of Love, porn might be a step up.

Gia

I didn't watch much Rock Bus of Love so I only came across this woman when I was looking for a decent picture of Nikki. The show's got plenty of hawt women but this one stuck out. I would totally love to see her do gangbang.

Ice

Apparently this girl was on Flavor of Love. I really can't see that, but OK. I've been watching her lately on I Love Money 2. She's laid back, in the cut, not saying to much. As cool as Ice. I would totally date her. She's like the polar opposite of Becky Buckwild (Who I NEVER want to see in porn, not even Ugly Girl Porn). Apparently she's an on-air personality in her hometown of Detroit. I'm guessing the likelihood of her doing porn is slim, but a boy can dream.

Megan

She's appeared on Rock Love, I Love Money and Charm School, but I didn't take notice till she scrapped with Sharon Osbourne on the Charm School Reunion Special. Now I have a burning desire to hate fuck her and splat on her face. Crazy huh? I mean, yes, she's a cunt but there's something to be said when she's the only woman I want to see run through by the lovely gentlemen at Meatholes.

Unique

I rarely watch For the Love of Ray J, but I'm rooting for him out of spite for Kim Kadashian's completely unwarranted fame. Whenever I do catch a few moments this girl always catches my attention. According to her bio, she's dated a pro ball player. So I'm guessing her chances of being in porn are what, 50/50?

Trishelle

I hate the Real World and I wouldn't trust anyone who follows that show religiously. I really go out of my way to avoid it, but I got ensnared during the 12th season by Trishelle. I think she was the first reality star I really wanted to see in porn and this list has dredged her up from the back of my mind. She was a worthless drunk, mildly retarded, vapid, materialistic, slightly racist, just the kind of girl I would have nothing to do with IRL, but man did I want to see her fuck. She did go on to pose in a heavily airbrushed Playboy spread, but that's no real consolation. Besides, this self portrait has much more character than that fakery. I think a $5,000 flick made in someone's living room would capture that same essence.

Something about this list bothers me. Does it jump out at you? Every one of these women are blondes, you say? Yeah, I don't get it. I'm a lifelong brunette man. I'm going through an intense redhead phase in porn (e.g., Leighlani Red, Shannon Kelly). How is it that every one here (even the black chick) is a blonde? I don't know, but the bigger problem is whether I can stop watching reality TV.

Happy (Belated) Birthday Nina Hartley

One of Porn's legends turned an unbelievable 50 years old last week. This also marks 25 years in porn for Ms. Hartley. Can you believe that? This woman started fucking and sucking onscreen when many of us (including yours truly) were in diapers. And she's hasn't fallen off. God bless her.

Of course this anniversary has got me thinking. It occurs to me that in the long timeline that is the history of my porn consumption, Nina Hartley comes in relatively recently. I am talking of course about her sex scenes. I have known of Nina for quite some time. Whenever there was a critique of pornography, I could always count on the writer getting Nina's always cogent, always articulate arguments. Thank you, Nina Hartley, for being porn's best apologist. You made me believe that porn has the ability be empowering for women. Whether that actually happens is a different story.

Yes, I've been reading about Nina since I was 14, but I didn't actually see her till Boogie Nights. And even after that it was a while before I saw her do hardcore. It was an old scene, one of Peter North's first, where he pulls out of doggystyle an shoots a load that drenches her back. Explosive! I had broadband so I had to have been in my early twenties at that point.

Better late than never.

Thank God for the emergence of Cougar Porn. It keeps Nina Hartley working an the world is better for it. I think she's better now than ever. I saw a recent scene she did with Byron Long that so intimate and sexy--sexy in the human way not the porn way--that I actually watched the whole thing start to finish. That's huge. I skip through scenes. Blow job. Missionary. Doggy. Maybe spoon, if it's a good flick. Load. Then I'm done. It takes all of three minutes. You've got to be a goddamn master of your craft to get me to watch an entire 25 minute scene. And that was not all. In the end, the climax I reached was so intense it rivaled anything I've experienced IRL.

So Happy Birthday, Nina Hartley. This isn't something I tell all 50 year-olds, but I hope you keep doing porn for many years to come. The younger girls in the industry have a lot to learn from you.