The Brief Inner Turmoil Concerning Jackie Ashe

Porn is exploitative. It has the the power to not only objectify people but humiliate and debase them as well. You don't have to be steeped in feminist theory to know that. It's more or less self-evident. And you're like me, the fact that you love porn opens you up to inner conflict. And nothing brings that conflict to the surface than watching a certain type of girl do certain kind of things.

Oh, Jackie Ashe. Jackie Ashe looks eerily a lot like a girl I was heads over heels in love with in high school, right down to the catholic school uniform she wore when I first saw her scene in Bookworm Bitches. Even weirder, and probably stalker-ish and creepy if you give it some thought, I had the best sex of my teen years (it's definitely top ten all-time) with a girl in Haifa, Israel who looked like the both of them. So watching Ms. Ashe is like jump starting two very pleasant sets of memories.

I'll watch Jackie in anything. I have scenes with her from First Time Auditions, Bang Bus, Street Blowjobs, and Jizzbomb. Seeing her onscreen always brings me joy. And in every scene she has this innocent girl ingénue vibe I find refreshing.

Then I heard she was on Midnight Prowl and it made my heart sink. I've never seen her with two dudes, now she's doing gangbang? To be fair, as far as gangbangs go, Midnight Prowl is fairly tame. It's just the whole Meat Members network it's part of of really gets under my skin. I can't stand Frank Wank. I hate Meat Holes with a passion. Watching some douche step on a vagina with his dirty sneaker pisses me off. When you consider all the other stuff I've seen it's a strange place to draw the line, but that's where it is.


The upside to the Midnight Prowl episode is that you see the real Jackie Ashe come through in the little pre-sex interview . And though she's far from the naive ingénue (she lives by herself in Tijuana. Craziness), she's an all around nice chick. I can so see myself dating her.

The scene turned out be pretty good. There was no stepping on vaginas, and certainly no asshole licking, just a regular gangbang. I now watch it at least once of month. Something still perturbs me though. After it's all over, I try to reimagine myself as a sophomore in high school, sitting face to face with the girl I thought at the time I loved more than anything else and probably would've married and seeded had the situation been different. Then I ask myself, could I have foreseen a future where I would delight in seeing a smiling face very similar to hers covered with the semen of 7 dudes? Could I have foreseen a future where it's nothing for me to use a phrase like “just a regular gangbang?”

Last Words For Julie Ellis

They come and they go, don't they? The porn starlet's career is fleeting, a few months on average. The ones that stick around only do so for a few years then it's all over. If you want to think of someone who's career has lasted decades—and who isn't Nina Hartley—you'll be here all day trying to get a list long enough to fill a carpool.

They are temporary and fleeting and ephemeral. They are disposable. We take it for granted that another one will come to fill her place and if she's done only a movie or two, did you even really know she was there in the first place?

While they worked, no one really asked who they were, what went wrong—or right—in their life to bring them here. What drug habits? What belief in liberation? When they disappear, no one asks where they've gone. If they've died, no one eulogizes them.

Last week, I found out that Julie Ellis died. Overdose. About 6 months ago.

Scour the internet and you won't find a word of it anywhere. I heard about it from someone who'd worked with her. And something in me says that her relationship with her folks wasn't the greatest. If they do know about it, it's probably kept on the low. Julie Ellis probably doesn't have an obituary.

And this is one instance. Porn Valley and the internet most likely abounds with stories of these unsung starlets who've spent a minute or two under the bright lights never to be heard from again. Who've suffered silent deaths long ago, or worse.

I feel a sadness. I can't do more than I can. The only thing I can do for now is eulogize.

It seems to me, Julie Ellis, that you got into porn because you really needed the money. How else would you explain a progression from naughty cheerleader pictures to IR gangbang, with nothing in between?

I don't hold that against you; life is hard. You do what you have to do. In fact, I take back the mean shit I said about you.

I'm still fairly young so I can't pretend to know what life's about. I say though that the universal desire is to be remembered. I mean that's the unifying trait behind every portrait painted, every mountain climbed, every office filled, every child created. We all die alone. That's bad enough. But our biggest fear is for our memory to go with us.

I never got to know the real Julie Ellis, or even Julie Ellis' real name. What I know is from Blacks on Blondes and a weird lesbian threesome that involved a gas mask. I can only imagine who you were, a sweet girl who got caught up in life. I hope, if you get another go at this, that life will be kinder to you. And I promise to keep your memory alive and never forget you.

Amen.