On Taylor, Trend-Setting Trannies, and Ugly Girl Porn

Last night I blogged about Milf porn actress Taylor Wane's appearance on network television. I then did the inevitable and watched a scene of hers from Mom's Cuckold 5 (lucky for me my copy has all the grossness edited out).

My Significant Other of the Moment, coincidentally also named Johanna, came in after it was over and saw it on queue. Her curiosity got to her and she watched a bit herself. She was quick to label Ms. Wane as Ugly Girl Porn.

"Oruba, that can't be what you're into. She's Frankenstein's monster. Look at her. That stretched back skin. Those wretchedly deformed fake tits. OMG. And the trout lips. the worst I've ever seen. It looks like they're running away from her face. You couldn't wait 2 hours for me to get home?"


And before I could defend myself, she hit me with a whammy:

"You put that together and you got yourself a tranny. C'mon, it looks like you masturbated to Amanda Lepore."


I find Taylor Wane beautiful but deep down, I'm afraid Johanna might be a bit right on that last count.

Compare

Personally, I think Johanna is just jealous.

NOTE: I feel a more useful analysis is not to compare the two with each other but to trace the common image they both want to portray, the porn star and the transexual, to the ur-source of plastic womanhood, the Barbie. But all that is for another day.

The Chyna Timeline

1990: I find out that wrestling is fake. I stop watching. I discover cynicism.

1991: I discover the wonders of masturbation. Porn obsession soon follows.

1997: I discover irony. I start watching wrestling again. My friends and I discover Chyna. We are convinced that she's a man.

2000: Chyna gets hella plastic surgery. We're not fooled. "She's a man."

Fall 2000: Chyna poses nude for Playboy. The issue gets passed around. No one admits to jerking off to it. Full Disclosure: I didn't; she looked too much like a man.

2004: A Night in China is released in typical sex tape fashion. Morbidly interested. Unable to find a single favorable review. I lose interest and spend the next 7 years thinking Chyna either has a small penis or an unusually large clitoris.

2011: Oddly interested in Backdoor to Chyna. The stills are alluring. Chyna doesn't look half bad.

The Next Day: Acquired Backdoor to Chyna. Rubbed one out. Felt something approaching post-stroke shame for the first time in years.

27 Minutes Later: Watched it again. Recommenced stroke session. Markedly less shame this time.

What can you do, right?

I've Got Strokes For Days For Dana Hayes

Here it comes again. I know you've been waiting for it: Ugly Girl Porn.

Allow me, once more, to clarify. I would never disparage a woman who gives me pleasure the way Ms. Hayes does. And I would certainly leave the lights on if we ever made love. Or fucked. Or whatever. I would enjoy all she would have to offer me.

I'm not calling Dana Hayes ugly. My girlfriend is.

My friends, that is what Ugly Girl Porn is: An evaluation of my voluminous porn collection through the eyes of whoever my significant other of the moment may be.

Today's pick comes to you courtesy of Johanna, my main squeeze, if you will, of the past 6 months or so. We gotten close enough recently for her to take guided tour of my stash. As expected, she expressed surprised over the liking I had taken to quite a few women, but none so much as Ms. Hayes.

"What do you see in her? She's old, blubbery. She looks like my mom."

To which I shrug and point to my crotch:

"I don't know. It's just visceral. I need to be in her. I can't explain it. Just pure desire."

If I could explain it, I would also be able to explain my fascination with older, thicker, Slavic women with matronly upper arms who, if fully clothed, would be complete with a headscarf. There's a lot about me that doesn't make sense.

I want to thank you, Dana Hayes. Had you not decided to enter the adult film business. Had you kept on teaching dance, my porn experience would be that much less fulfilling. I hope you keep wonderfully doing what you're doing till you can't.

Gina DePalma: Sex Incarnate

It has come to my attention that I haven't written about Ugly Girl Porn in some time. Perhaps it's because I'm understandably hesitant to call anyone I stroke to ugly. That's both women-hating and self loathing. I can't afford that kind of therapy.

So for the sake of Neckties for Reptiles I enlisted the help of female friend to skim through my hard drive and pick out the next Ugly Girl for your pleasure.

(NOTE: Ladies, if you spend an hour going through a ludicrous amount of porn with your guy friend and he doesn't make a pass at you, it doesn't mean he's gay. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to fuck you. Maybe it means he truly values your friendship. Or perhaps he doing some SERIOUS research. Just saying, Lyndsey.)

She was quick to pick Gina DePalma. And by "quick to pick" I mean after the hour it took to get down to G. Repulsed. She was repulsed by DePalma.

"Is this the type of girl you're into?"

Outwardly, I shrugged noncommittally.

Inwardly, I recalled the times I've stroked to her. It's an absurd number.

So good readers. I give you Gina DePalma. What she lacks in looks she more than abundantly makes up for in sex appeal and passion. The woman sweats lust. I'm getting hot and bothered just writing about her.

I would highly recommend her scene at Exploited Moms (Who've provided a disproportionate share of Ugly Girl Porn), but that site is a hot mess. It's not in the previews and probably not even in the member's section. Cop the torrent. Or depositfiles.

Sweet Melanie Malone

I hesitate to label this woman Ugly Girl Porn. I think she's rather prety in her own way. I wouldn't mind walking through the mall with her. But the Ugly Girl Porn designation didn't originate with me. I only mirror the sentiments of girlfriends past and present who have waded through my embarrassingly large porn collection commenting on the girls they see there. Perhaps it's the longish face or the extra bit of gumline length. You could make up your own minds. Whatever you decide, behold Melanie Malone.

Ms. Malone is among the surprisingly abundant amount of beauties I've discovered at Spunkmouth a few years ago. Everything about her drew me in: the flaming red latex fireman getup she peeled off; her inviting and genuine smile; her unnaturally spherical fake boobs (my formative years being in the 90's, I considered normal things my forefathers never did); I even liked the Rachel-esque stiffness of her hair as well as the highlights.

Unfortunately Melanie's stay in the industry was regretably short. Her output is few and hard to find. I have to make do with the Spunkmouth scene which invariably brings me joy.

Which brings me to the point of this post: Melanie Malone, you make me happy. If by some strange quirk of fate you are reading this, I would like to thank you.

Discovering Pamela Peaks

A search for one Ugly Girl Porn leads to another. I was searching for background info on Rubee Tuesday not too long ago when I came across an interview she did with Pamela Peaks.

For those of you not familiar with Ms. Peaks, let me draw you a picture: fake boobs, fake tan, press-on nails, hair extensions, collagen-injected bass lips, cheek implants. And get this: her makeup is tattooed on! What we're left with is this grotesque Bride of FrankenPorn. Reminds me of Escape from LA when Snake finds himself in that enclave filled with people addicted to plastic surgery. I should've continued my search for Rubee Tuesday smut or better yet, stopped looking for porn altogether and done something constructive with my life. I should've found Pamela Peaks disgusting. And yet, at this point predictably, I was intrigued.

It took a bit of work, but I found a hardcore scene she did. Let me tell you, it was god awful. The guy had a small dick and a potbelly. He looks suspiciously like the nut job who fucks crackheads. The whole scene lasted all of five minutes and were interjected with odd clips of Pamela getting hit in the face with could have been a high-powered mayonnaise gun.

[EDIT: I got another look at Street Walkers #3 and I don't know what the hell I was thinking. The guy wasn't potbellied. He had a stocky middle aged body, nothing to be ashamed of, and his dick was as big as mine if not bigger. Strange what you remember. Mayonnaise gun bit is pretty accurate]

And I got off. I think the situation has grown dire. It's only a matter of time before I start beating off to pictures of Jocelyn Wildenstein. The line has been crossed long ago. The end of the road is near, Please, friends, say a prayer for me.

Only a matter of time

Ms. Tease

Warning: this holy grail is very much Ugly Girl Porn. Watch out if you're not ready. Worse yet, it's from Exploited Moms, a site with its fair share of rough-looking women. I suspect this is a holy grail only because it's hard to find. What is it that economists say, scarcity creates value?

Ms. Tease, God bless her. I'm not quite sure what I see in her but she grows more attractive with every failed attempt to score her full vid. I've logged hours trying (imagine that!) but with no luck. I've even considered actually paying for a membership. But then I heard that her video isn't even on the member's site, even though it's advertised. Talk about running a tight shift. Heard that from a guy who more obsessed with Ms. Tease than I am. It's great not to be alone.

I did after some trouble manage to download her trailer. That keeps the passions at bay for a little while. When that stops working I'll watch a scene Kaci Starr did with Blacks on Blondes. It's a bit eerie but she looks like she could be Ms. Tease's daughter. The hair and makeup are the same right down to the eye shadow and their bodies are the same basic shape except of course Kaci Starr is more petite, way cuter, and less sloppy.

I imagine there's an alternate universe out there where everything about my life is the same, except one thing. In this parallel world, I'd been trying like hell for months and months to get a hold of the Kaci Starr scene but instead had to settle for butt ugly Ms. Tease. And in this universe, all is right with the world. The Sexual Revolution never fizzled because there's no such thing as AIDS. No one voted for the dumb rich kid even once. It doesn't cost anything to go to college. And war is abolished. All disputes are settled with breakdance battles. Yes, a truly perfect world.

Goldie Cox, Lusting For White Trash Girls, and a Blogger's Apology

Ugly Girl Porn opens itself to several subcategories, one of which after some reflection is White Trash Girls. What's got me thinking about White Trash Girls in porn is my latest fascination with Goldie Cox.

I've been thinking between this paragraph and the last and maybe it's unfair to call Ms. Cox white trash. She seems like sweet girl, if a little clueless looking. And what is it calling someone white trash anyway other than some classist trip of superiority? Who needs that kind of prejudice this day and age? All I wanna do is touch myself at the sight of pretty woman. letting the waves of pleasure wash over me when I get where I'm going. Is that too much to ask?

We're all in this together. Life's too short and precarious to rule out people because of their background or education or accents. I haven't figured out why yet, but Goldie makes me feel a certain kind of way; I like her for it, and if you're reading this Ms. Cox, I sincerely apologize for calling you white trash and thank you for doing porn.

And With the First Post I Introduce the Reader to Shawna Red and Ugly Girl Porn

A girl I dated once, hit the nail right on the head. She was going through my collection when she commented—maybe she was jealous, I don't know—that I seemed to like “Ugly Girl Porn.” I laughed but those was the truest words ever spoken by her.

Let my clarify: I don't only like Ugly Girl Porn. The same way I don't only like BBW. The same way I don't only like IR. The same way I don't only like a few things, but it registers in what I have . You notice it pretty quickly.

Another clarification: by Ugly I don't mean drop dead hideous. That's a special man who can get down like that. I'm not mad at him but I can't fill those shoes. I just mean Ugly as in being totally not the type of girl I would even be seen with. For example I have this thing for horse-faced women that goes back to an odd fixation for Sarah Jessica Parker in the early nineties. Don't ask; I don't get it either. Thankfully, Sex and the City cured me of all that.

With that I give you Shawna Red. I own a Spunkmouth vid she did a few years ago. And what a horrible scene that is. She, an obvious newbie, doesn't give the most spectacular performance. However, I lay the onus of the blame on the woodsmen. Her co-stars, both of them, couldn't possibly look more bored. They looked like they'd rather be playing Xbox, like they got their controllers taken away by the director right before shooting started. Have you ever seen two guys sulk their way through sex? It's sad. It's real sad.

And yet I still watch this shitty scene several times a year. I love Shawna Red. The long bony face. The too big lips. The hennaed out hair. Drives me nuts. Unfortunately for me, it doesn't seem like she stayed in the business very long. The evidence of which I could find is that god awful Spunkmouth scene and one for Real Arizona Amateurs that I can't get a hold of (for free). Anybody have any info?