Monday, November 29, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Savannah Stern


Savannah's retiring.
Not that one. That would be
Weird. Zombie Porn!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Eve Laurence



The snake that slithers
Below wants to take a bite
Out of Eve's apple.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Gina DePalma: Sex Incarnate


It has come to my attention that I haven't written about Ugly Girl Porn in some time. Perhaps it's because I'm understandably hesitant to call anyone I stroke to ugly. That's both women-hating and self loathing. I can't afford that kind of therapy.

So for the sake of Neckties for Reptiles I enlisted the help of female friend to skim through my hard drive and pick out the next Ugly Girl for your pleasure.

(NOTE: Ladies, if you spend an hour going through a ludicrous amount of porn with your guy friend and he doesn't make a pass at you, it doesn't mean he's gay. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to fuck you. Maybe it means he truly values your friendship. Or perhaps he doing some SERIOUS research. Just saying, Lyndsey.)

She was quick to pick Gina DePalma. And by "quick to pick" I mean after the hour it took to get down to G. Repulsed. She was repulsed by DePalma.

"Is this the type of girl you're into?"

Outwardly, I shrugged noncommittally.

Inwardly, I recalled the times I've stroked to her. It's an absurd number.

So good readers. I give you Gina DePalma. What she lacks in looks she more than abundantly makes up for in sex appeal and passion. The woman sweats lust. I'm getting hot and bothered just writing about her.

I would highly recommend her scene at Exploited Moms (Who've provided a disproportionate share of Ugly Girl Porn), but that site is a hot mess. It's not in the previews and probably not even in the member's section. Cop the torrent. Or depositfiles.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Lanny Barbie


Four words comprising
The hot new acronym:
Canuck I'd Like to Fuck.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

BBW I Love Love Love #2: Brandy Ryder


This BBW has occupied much of my porn viewing time as of late. I would love to thank the good folks over at Sensational Video for bringing this vivacious beauty to my attention.

And boy, she has put in work!

She's done a couple scenes for both BBWs Gone Black and BBW Dream that quite literally had me gasping air while futily trying to keep my toes uncurled.

Brandy Ryder, I love love you you and hope to see more of you.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

An Interview With Jeanna Fine


Found this while surfing on the Inter-tron. It was posted in 2008. The interview was held in 2005. If my math is correct, her son is approaching the age of majority. Doing the Good Mom Thing should no longer be an excuse. Push baby bird from the nest and let's make some Milf Porn!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Porn Star Haiku: Faith Leon


I truly wish you were
The Girl Next Door. I could

Reach out and touch Faith.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Holy Grail Found in Camelot


Back when I was an impressionable youth, on the cusp of pubescence, my taste in women took the less beaten path, where it is today. Instead of adoring the sun-tanned California blonde of the late eighties, I would spend a significant amount of time lusting in my heart and loins for the alterna-goddess.

You know the type of girl. Pale as moon. Wore Grandpa's browlines, grandma's sundress. A second hand cardigan that was either too big or too small. A pearl necklace she would claim to be ironic but deep in her heart she loved dearly. chunky shoes. Cassettes littered the floor of her beat-up Volvo. 10,000 Maniacs, Throwing Muses, Tallulah Blue, The Smiths, The Pogues. We'd take spontaneous road trips to nondescript Midwestern towns to pick wildflowers, take in the local color, and check out some local band in the basement of someone we'd just met earlier downtown.

The televised embodiment of such a girl was MTV's Kennedy. I can't remember ever watching Alternative Nation and not wishing at one point that her clothes would fall off, even when she wasn't onscreen.

But this is a solid decade and some change before Suicide Girls and the like. Your chances of seeing that kind of girl in the nude was slim and none. Better acquire a taste for California blondes.

Right when I first started using the internet, way back in the AOL days, I heard rumors of her nude pics. I searched furiously. It quickly became a Holy Grail.

And this morning in a quite anti-climatic manner, I found it in literally seconds on Google Images. It was buried under completely irrelevant shit, and gay porn (perhaps I couldn't find it before because I didn't want to wade through that).

They're, um, quite tasteful.

So yeah, I guess all I have left is a desire to see Janeane Garofalo and her new trout lips in a blowbang.

I dunno. This looks shopped.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Next Week I Get To Pick What We Do - Porn!

One of my favorite blog-related activities is looking up the keywords that lead people to me. There's always a few that make me smile, wince, or just scratch my head.

There's the reader who surfed in looking for " a dick less than 6 inches."

Or those curious about Morgan Layne's IQ.

There's the one guy who typed "google" into Google and somehow found Neckties For Reptiles. Head scratcher for sure.

There's even a guy who googled "cum shot haiku." I was extremely curious about this one. Is there someone out there in the blogonet writing cum shot themed haiku? I checked. No, there isn't. I felt as let down as our prospective surfer. I felt I should fill the void, if only briefly.

My favorite this time around and winner of The Most Puzzling Query Award goes to the gentleman who typed "Next Week I Get To Pick What We Do - Porn!" and found me. I can only guess what was going on in your head, but I won't because I'm sure it'll blow my mind

Monday, November 1, 2010