Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Porn Star Haiku: Chloe Chanel

Looks like Nicole Ritchie,
Except cuter, plumper,
And not annoying.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Porn Star Haiku: Shyla Stylez

Doggy, froggy, reverse
Cowgirl, freestyle. Every
Possible style.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Porn Star Haiku: Nicole Parks

Small, erstwhile porn queen,
Hated by some. Loved be me.
Should've done more scenes

Thursday, August 25, 2011

On Spit, Blood, And Lenses

What do Gonzo Porn and Saving Private Ryan have in common?

Hint: It's a kind of abuse.

I was watching a Katie St. Ives scene the other night when a curious, but now-familiar thing happened. As she was giving dude head, the camera goes underneath her mouth and his junk and points up at them.

An already sloppy blowjob then becomes downright slobbery. Her saliva dribbles and hits the lens. The next few minutes is filmed through the refraction of her spit.

A Pavlovian response: I go wild.

Afterwards, I reflect. Spitting up the camera is a relatively new phenomenon. Unheard of before the advent of gonzo. More than likely, discovered serendipitously. An adventurous camera hitting up an obscure angle, perhaps trying to finally employ the Dutch Tilt he learned at Tisch. A porn starlet, maybe with a sloppy top style, maybe suffering a tired jaw after 30 minutes of blowing a dude, dribbles downward. A connection is made. Epiphany? Too lazy to edit it out? A desire to keep it authentic? Whatever the reason for its first appearance, it appears that it is here to stay.

I reflect further. Is there a mainstream counterpart?

Yes there is. It even has a name: Camera abuse.

Finally: Something I love, when a woman intentionally spits on the camera, my heart skips a beat.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The Hungarian Connection

What is Hungary known for? Aside from goulash and a handful of Classical composers, I really couldn't tell you. I know the capital is Budapest. That's about it.

I know that some of my favorite European porn stars hail from there. I know they have the same mysterious and powerfully magnetic allure despite being as different from each other as could be. What, Oruba? How different?

The three women I refer to are Mandy Bright, Lisa Sparkle, and Wonder Tracy. Yes, that different.

Mandy, I've been into for quite a few years. If there's anyone I could refer to as a sex demon, it would be her. After that I have no words for how she makes me feel. She brings everything to the table every time and leaves me, the freaking viewer for god's sake, drained. For about a month or two, getting a subscription to Mandy Is Kinky was the best decision I ever made.

Lisa, I discovered late last year. For about two weeks straight, she's was all I would stroke to. I started to feel like heroin addict after a while. Effort was exerted to ween myself off her. Now I can only watch Lisa Sparkle in small doses. Porn Methadone.

And the girl from left field: Wonder Tracy. It's no secret that I love BBWs, but there aren't that many women THAT size that gets me worked up the way she does. Like seriously bothered and shit. I have to take a nap right afterwards.

So what is this Hungarian Connection? Are all the women in Hungary this electric? Or is it just these three? Is it genetic or something in the water. I'm definitely making a stop in Budapest the next time I go backpacking to take in the local color.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Porn Star Haiku: Olivia O'Lovely

Olived-Skinned Venus,
Oh I live to love so lovely
An ass as yours

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

A Man Reviews The Man Project

There is a silent rule that men aren't allowed to talk about sexuality. I feel this line reflects the prevalent mood: "[It is as though] a guy with a sex blog is the intellectual version of a flasher."

You got to figure, in Western Culture, at least, male sexuality was a given. Gender roles were clearly defined, often at the detriment of women who were often treated as second citizens.

Then we've evolved. Women fought for their rightful place as equals (lets be real, the war isn't over but incredible ground has been gained). Now, in a serious discussion of sex and sexuality, you will always be talking about female sexuality. A male orgasm is elementary. We're past that. The thinking is, if we really want self discovery we have to delve into what makes women tick.

What is male sexuality? What does it mean to be masculine? The perception is that it's puerile. Locker room talk. Fake, Neanderthal, misguided machismo lacking self-awareness. Men's magazines with barely clad women on the front. Articles about hair gel and lifting weights inside.

In reality, it's treated with silence. We don't talk about sexuality with each other. We don't talk about what it means to be masculine in the 21st century. I agree with David Jay: when it is brought up, it is usually joked at. "Traditional" masculinity is no longer a serious mode of self expression, of self actualization. However, a suitable model has yet to present itself. It's as though we have to each invent ourselves as men and hope what we've created for ourselves is "right." This incidentally, is the underlying theme to Fight Club but I'm too pretty to go around getting punched.

With Neckties, the hope was to create a space to talk about porn and how it affects us in ways it never affected our fathers. How it shapes us and perhaps turns us to people other than we would have been. This is incidental to a grander discussion of sexuality in the 21st century. But my approach is a small buildup. Small increments of self investigation. Perhaps a few steps back at times, like years of psychotherapy.

Rachel Rabbit White gets where I want to go much faster, with a whole lot more people. Behold The Man Project. Also behold this "best of" the Man Project. Read it. Love it. Self edify.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Sara Jay, Well Balanced Renaissance Woman

I'm an odd fellow. I love it when porn chicks do things other than porn. Pinky raps. Sasha Grey DJs. Nina Hartley lectures. Trina Michaels wrestles. Lorelei Lee writes screenplays.

And Sara Jay? Well, Sara Jay balances Chicken McNuggets on her ass. (Successfully too!)

Monday, August 15, 2011

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Saturday, August 13, 2011

BBW I Love Love Love #6: Kirstyn Halborg

The British are coming! Or rather, the British are making me come.

There's been a British invasion. But it ain't the Beatles, Stones or Kinks. Until a few years ago, the only Brit I'd regularly stroke to was the ineffable Sophie Dee. Thanks to Killergram, I now have the pleasure of watching the likes of Kerry Louise, Delta White, Renee Richards, Lee Logan, Victoria Brown, and Keira Pharrel.

On the chubby side, thanks to the good folks over at Sensational Video, I've also developed a liking towards Leah Jayne, Jemstone, and of course Kirstyn Halborg.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the accents. Whatever it is, I want to be all over it. I wonder if British wankers feel the same about the way our American porn girls talk. Thoughts?

Also, here I should say that though much of her work features Ms. Halborg as a blonde, I truly love love love her as a brunette. I feel that needs to be said.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Oruba Tours the Armory

There's a building in San Francisco. A great big building, with Presence and History. A place where sex happens. And when it happens it is filmed. There are often chains, whips, masks, displays of power and submission, weird machines probing. Wonderful things!

This building? The one and only Armory in the Mission District.

You're walking the sunniest streets in San Francisco. You're eating burritos, drinking Sol, avoiding the invading horde of smelly hipsters. You need something to do.

Oruba: I'm in town; What shall I do while I'm here?

And she did.

And I toured.


The place was originally an actual armory for the national guard at the turn of the century, but has been laying abandoned for 30 years until bought it in 2007. Under the leadership of founder Peter Acworth, the massive 200,000 square foot building was transformed into a literal porn palace.

We learned all this right away from our lovely tour guide, the effervescent Ava, who rounded us up and walked us around the place.

The very top level is the lair for an Edwardian period reality show which is live streamed. Complete with custom furniture designed to double as stays for tied down slaves. Oh my! Prim, dressed up doms and subs bustled by us as they prepared for a tea party.

Then to the set of Ultimate Surrender. Side Note: I am the only person I know who's gone on the Official Armory Tour. But I know two people who been to live tapings of Ultimate Surrender and Naked Kombat. I roll with a special and exclusive crowd of perverts. Clearly.

Then to Kink University.

Then to the sets of Whipped Ass, Hogtied, and others.

Oh and the prop rooms. Oh the prop rooms!

We even ended up in a place that looked like a dungeon but was really an unfinished basement.

And before you know it it was over. And I shuffled out on to Valencia for a giant empanada and and some Chilean beer.

Random Bit #1: Some scenes from the Original Star Wars was shot at the Armory which, aside from being rad in its own right, meant the building was already zoned for film making. Lucky pornographers.

Random Bit #2: Apparently is in the process of leasing out the Drill court in the hopes of turning it into a community center which will host among other things, a farmers market. You read that right. Only in San Francisco.

Thoughts: For the past few years, actually the better part of the last decade we have been hearing that the porn industry is in decline. The ubiquity of free porn pretty much means that people don't really pay for porn they way they used to. Despite the proliferation of websites, there aren't too many that are pure money makers. So how did grow so damn fast in 10 years? So much so that they're can not only by the Armory in 2007 (admittedly, not a bad year in porn), but remain viable (I assume profitable) in the present.

Is because niche providers, fetish sites are the impervious to the trend affecting the industry as a whole? Please, discuss.

Random Bit #3: This is what 55 gallon drums of lube looks like. Don't ask how quickly they go through this.

Life is good. Thanks Alison, Ava, and the good folks at

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I've Got Strokes For Days For Dana Hayes

Here it comes again. I know you've been waiting for it: Ugly Girl Porn.

Allow me, once more, to clarify. I would never disparage a woman who gives me pleasure the way Ms. Hayes does. And I would certainly leave the lights on if we ever made love. Or fucked. Or whatever. I would enjoy all she would have to offer me.

I'm not calling Dana Hayes ugly. My girlfriend is.

My friends, that is what Ugly Girl Porn is: An evaluation of my voluminous porn collection through the eyes of whoever my significant other of the moment may be.

Today's pick comes to you courtesy of Johanna, my main squeeze, if you will, of the past 6 months or so. We gotten close enough recently for her to take guided tour of my stash. As expected, she expressed surprised over the liking I had taken to quite a few women, but none so much as Ms. Hayes.

"What do you see in her? She's old, blubbery. She looks like my mom."

To which I shrug and point to my crotch:

"I don't know. It's just visceral. I need to be in her. I can't explain it. Just pure desire."

If I could explain it, I would also be able to explain my fascination with older, thicker, Slavic women with matronly upper arms who, if fully clothed, would be complete with a headscarf. There's a lot about me that doesn't make sense.

I want to thank you, Dana Hayes. Had you not decided to enter the adult film business. Had you kept on teaching dance, my porn experience would be that much less fulfilling. I hope you keep wonderfully doing what you're doing till you can't.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Wild Things Ava Devine Has Done

"I was choked out with a collar, getting fisted, and drinking my own urine by this dominatrix guy."

No Judgement. Do what you do.

Monday, August 8, 2011

The Character Named Milf Actually Did Porn? No Way!

A pervasive point of wonder and discussion when Neckties for Reptiles began was the new increased probability that the woman you were pining for on television has done porn. Equally, awesome is how we live in an age where it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to find and download the flick. Sometimes in a matter of minutes. This is especially true for the stars of VH1 CelebReality programming.

Didn't take long to find stuff on Frenchy or Brandy C from Rock of Love and Charm School.

The next logical step, for me was to compile a list of Reality Stars I want to see in porn. But then I stopped watching shitty television, made constructive use of my life, and forgot all about the silly things I obsessed over in 2009.

And out of the blue, on accident, I discover that Milf from Real Chance of Love has appeared in a few "sex movies" performing under the names Ahmo Hight and Amy Hite. To be fair, they're only softcore, but you wouldn't know it from the the blog I read it in. You'd think she was doing The World's Heaviest Gangbang. To the writers at, please chill the hell out. Most of us grew out of softcore when we were 15. That's not even including the generation, currently in their early 20s, who grew up with the Internet. That number is probably closer to 9.

So no hardcore from Milf but we get boobs, and I assume she's get's it on, rubbing style, with Anna Nicole Smith. I'll probably never know because I'm about as much in a rush to watch that as I am the latest Flavor of Love spinoff.

As I look at Milf again for the first time in years I realize I still feel a kind of way about her. A cuter mix of Vicky Vette and Dana Hayes still applies. If you're reading this, Milf, please consider doing some legitimate pornography. You will have loving fans, at the very head of which will be me. You are absolutely ripe for Milf/Cougar porn. Why waste your life in reality show hell? There's no dignity in it. This is the life for you.


Saturday, August 6, 2011

Friday, August 5, 2011

Michele Bachmann, Who will Porn Parody You?

Inquiring minds want to know. Before we know it, another election season will be upon us, along with an ancient American tradition dating backto 2008 with the production of Who's Nailin' Paylin? -- the Political Porn Parody featuring the Hot Chick Running.

I look toward U.S Representative Michele Bachmann of Minnesota. Her bat-shit crazy beliefs, and questionable politics aside, or perhaps because of them, she's among the front runners for the GOP's presidential nomination. Her looks and easy Milfness makes her a prime candidate for Porn Parody.

But before we pen this open letter to Hustler, we must decide, Oh Friends, what Milf star will play Rep. Bachmann. in theis absolutely necessary movie.

This is our chance to exercise our patriotic duties as citizens and vote.

After a quick look at the women at My Friend's Hot Mom, I present to you the candidates:

1. Shay Sights - I'm only vaguely familiar with Milf, having only heard and seen hear name over the past year or so. Upon seeing her I see she has a passing resemblance to the Congresswoman. More so than Lisa Ann has to Sarah Palin.

2. Lezley Zen - Resemblance to Bachmann aside, Lezly has been a favorite of mine for years. You and I know, friends, that she'll put on a performance of a lifetime.

3. Sarah Brooks - Not familiar with this woman. She was first face that popped out when I perused My Friend's Hot Mom.

4. Tabitha Stevens - A classic. A woman from my formative years who's finding easy and welcome transition into the brave new world of Milf/Cougar Porn. Perhaps can capture the same demo who flew to Naylin Paylin: Young Men who on the surface just appear to want see a politician naked (or someone who resembles her enough) but are secretly yearning for a golden age.

5. Amy Fisher - We know her as the 'Long Island Lolita." She caused a sensation in the 90s with a tale of sex and attempted murder that was flashed all over the news media for months. She's back in the light as scandal -- as a porn star! After recovering over the shock, you see how much she resemble a certain Representative from Minnesota. Then you realize what you're thinking is totally possible in this world.

Update: You, my faithful readers, have dutifully exercised your right and duly elected your next Porn Parodized Representative. Read the inevitable letter to Hustler Video Here.  

Who Would You Like To See In The Highly Likely Michele Bachmann Porn Parody?

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Where Oruba Ruminates Some More On Porn, Art And Tying Chicks Up

Do you see the two pictures above?

One is from a world renowned photographer whose work can be found in museums. The other can be on Hogtied, a site in the family, which specializes in tying chicks up for our prurient enjoyment.

One is art. One is porn.

Can you guess which is which?

Of course, this distinction may be arbitrary. People can and will disagree about the classification. Billy Watson, the thinking man's pornographer (yes, I'm writing about this two days in a row), sees Araki as porn through and through.

One tour of the Armory will reveal's production to be reminiscent of an assemblage of well organized, if assembly line, artist studios (think Factory era Warhol with less weirdos, no drugs and more sex).

What if tomorrow, the good folks at suddenly started calling their output Art? What if they threw out their business model? Instead of charging kink bucks or whatever for patrons to watch flicks and get off, what if those same exact pictures were printed, framed and sold to galleries and collectors? What if those same exact movies, without nary an edit, were shown at the Castro Theatre or some other art house theater?

Context perhaps and not content is what makes art Art and porn Porn.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Kimberly Kane: Porn is My Art

Is Porn art?

I've think about this much more than I should. Sometimes I think no; Sometimes I think maybe. Other times I think that maybe I should be spending my time more constructively.

Don Drummand's masterful trombone declares that music is his occupation.

Adult starlet Kimberly Kane looks coolly into the lens of a camera and declares, with the confidence of Duchamp pointing at a urinal: Porn is my art.

The witty Billy Watson, a pornographer whose porn-adjacent work goes places I enjoy, like into conversations with intelligent, with-it, porn women who aren't Nina Hartley (she isn't the only one), takes my view: Once you jack to it, it isn't art.

Kane disagrees of course. And I disagree with her. Or at least her reasoning. Even if teenage boys can jack to anything (I offer myself as proof), the Author's intention plays a large role in its self-definition. If you have, say, Michael Ninn (I'm going back here) who intends for his work to be more than a jack piece, then yes, it's art. But your run-of-the-mill gonzo producer is churning out a product. So no, no art there.

Though I disagree with Ms. Kane, I have seen a few of her scenes, and her Artist Declaration is right on: Porn absolutely is her art.