Downton Labia Needs To Be Made: An Open Letter To Someone Special

Dear Producers of Quality Porn Parodies and/or Period Piece Porn (Including, but not limited to, Nica Noelle),


I am writing to draw your attention to a show that is ripe for the porn parody treatment.

Imagine a period piece set in Edwardian England, nestled between that foreboding time between the sinking of the Titantic and the First World War.

Imagine a palatial estate, lush grounds, class conflict, and sexual tension.

Imagine gentility. And the costumes. And the sexual tension. There’s a lot of it.

Imagine this is a real show. Because it is.

Imagine this show has an average viewership of 10 million folks after only one season. Because it does.

Imagine there’s already an audience for Victorian/Edwardian Porn. Because there is.

Yes, I’m talking about Downton Abbey. And yes, you have to porn parody it. Because I, and at least one other person would pay to see it.

I've spent the time writing this, imagining that sexual tension being penetrated every 20-30 minutes.

We’ve already done most of the the hard work, figuring out who will play whom. Kimberly Kane could be Anna Smith. We could bring Sasha Grey out of retirement to play Lady Mary. James Deen, who's like the Seth Rogan of porn, could be William Mason the footman. Mark Davis will play John Bates the valet. And Evan Stone is perfect as the paterfamilias, Robert Crawley.

Oh. and imagine the title: Downton Labia.

This must be done, and you must do it.

Optimistically and Warmly,

Oruba Stone

Sara Jay, Well Balanced Renaissance Woman

I'm an odd fellow. I love it when porn chicks do things other than porn. Pinky raps. Sasha Grey DJs. Nina Hartley lectures. Trina Michaels wrestles. Lorelei Lee writes screenplays.
And Sara Jay? Well, Sara Jay balances Chicken McNuggets on her ass. (Successfully too!)

Sasha Grey Update

Just so you guys know, the streak is still alive. I still haven't masturbated to Sasha Grey. I don't know what the deal is. Seems like I've rubbed out for everyone else. Like EVERYONE else.

Maybe someday soon. I'm just trying not to force it. I want our first time to happen naturally. When the time is right.

The Sasha Grey Experience

I took forever to watch the movie. Then I put off writing about it for forever more days. Here it is, way after everyone else, my review of The Girlfriend Experience.

What can I say that hasn't been said by someone more articulate six months ago? The Girlfriend Experience is a stunning movie, even more so when you take into account the tiny budget, and the lightening-quick speed it progressed from conception to release. The cinematography is gorgeous. The mise en scène is perfect. Soderbergh shoots Sasha beautifully, perhaps better than any porn director (I know that's a "no shit" statement, but it's something that struck me immediately). I was expecting something akin to Bubble, another low-budget Soderbergh movie shot on digital with no name actors. The Girlfriend Experience exceeded those expectations.

I could go on about the substance of the thing, about how TGE is about the intersection of Beauty, Commerce, the question of Identity, and the very human need for Intimacy, but it isn't a review per se I set out to write.

This is supposed to be my first impression of Sasha Grey. It's kind of impossible to have a pulse these days and not have heard her name, or see her picture naked more likely than not engaged in some sort of gangbang activity, or hear how much smarter she is than the rest of us. Somehow I was able to get all that and not have sat through a porn movie with her in it. Bizarre!

I've condensed my impression into thoughts (not all about Sasha Grey):

1) Who has eyebrows like that? Like, really!

2)They should rename the movie When Will Sasha Grey Smile? I kept going "Almost, almost. Yes! No! She was just getting something out of her teeth. Maybe next time."

3) Dude looks like Casey Affleck!

4) Imagine where this could have gone if it had ten times the budget and Natalie Portman playing Chelsea...and Casey Affleck!

5) Sasha Grey is actually not a bad actress. I mean, she's a bit wooden and emotionless, but I think that's the role.

6) I'm so in love with Christina Nadeau, the girl who plays Chelsea's friend. I would so date her. Much more so than Sasha Grey.

7) This movie is like American Psycho Lite. A chunk of the dialogue is Chelsea mechanically listing high end consumer items. Yep, like American Psycho with none of the gore, and oddly enough, less of the sex.

8) Another girl I would date over Sasha is Meriam Benezra, who's onscreen literally for three seconds as a street musician. Three seconds is all I need to launch into fantasy. We'd spend our days busking for change on the F train platform, our evenings crashing open bars and gallery openings (free wine), our nights in each other's arms engaged in conversation much more riveting than anything you could get out of Sasha Grey.

After it was all over, after I got my first prolonged dose of Ms. Grey, I checked out Anal Acrobats 3 and watched her pop croquet balls out of her ass. She seemed so much more at ease, as if she was genuinely enjoying herself.
Ah, the strange future we've made for ourselves!

The Katie Morgan Influence

So it has happened. I have become acquainted with an actress's mainstream film work before finding that she's done porn. Actually this already happened with Echo Valley in Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay we're going to ignore that.

I watched Zack and Miri Make a Porno in the not too long ago and was enraptured by the bubbly personality of Stacey, the not-too-bright character played by Ms. Morgan. As soon as the credits rolled I got her name and went to the internets. I found that not only is she an actual porn starlet (with a Star Trek parody to boot) but I'd passed over her scene with Naughty Office numerous times. Within the hour I scored a compilation.

I'll give Ms. Morgan the benefit of the doubt and grant that she's a good enough actress whose actual personality is different from that of the character she plays onscreen. But I like to think there is something of her in Stacey, something nevertheless that now has attracted me to a girl who I had previously considered as having a Dime-A-Dozen porn look.

And this brings me back to Sasha Gray. I have previously written, wondering which to watch first: Ms. Gray's porn work or her mainstream debut. Katie Morgan has helped me make my choice.

Be sure to check out my review of The Girlfriend Experience when I get around to watching it.

Choosing My First Impressions

After writing yesterday's post, I reflected about the unique position I'm in.

I have neither seen Sasha Grey in a porn nor a mainstream flick.

First impressions are everything, right? Whatever movie I watch first will, whether I like it or not, influence how I perceive her.

I am in the position to pick the road I follow though I won't necessarily know the outcome.

Should my first impression of Sasha Grey be her lead role in a film by the same Academy Award^® winning director who gave me Schizopolis?

Or should I watch her take on fifteen dudes and a hook first?

Ambassador jumpsuit landmine!!!!!!!

My Utterly Uninformed Thoughts on Sasha Grey

Skydweller, who may or may not be affiliated with the Disney Corporation, writes:


"man could you please write about porn star Sasha Grey? I wanna know more about her."


Skydweller, if you just surfed in here, you probably wouldn't know this but this blog is a reflection on porn as filtered through my personal experience. And I'll be frank, perhaps too frank: I've never masturbated to Sasha Grey.

And in truth I couldn't give you a good reason why. Her videos are easy to come by. She is an exceptional beauty. I have always been partial to brunettes. She seems accessible which, strange to say, is a factor in who I watch. I think with porn like in other areas of my life I have the tendency to stay off the well beaten path. I'm more likely to following my own whims than do something because it's hot. And Sasha Grey is en fuego.

I'm not mad at her for it. More power to her. But for whatever reason, perhaps my current infatuation with redheads, I'm not feeling her right now. Someday I'll get around to indulging in her movies. When that happens, you'll be the first to know.

That said, I hate to let people down. I figure as much as I surf the internets for porn, surely I must know something that may be of use to you. Here is what I been able to gleam from my travels:

Her Wikipedia page is perhaps the most in-depth I've seen for any porn star except Ron Jeremy. What hasn't she done? She's in both Porn and Mainstream films. She's modeled for American Apparel, the company I love to hate. She's put out industrial records. And Much More.

She's a busy Renaissance woman, it seems. Quite an accomplished lady at her age. But from what I've been reading, she has a few detractors. People who say her intelligence, if not her whole persona is an affectation.

Like I said, I not terribly familiar with her, but at this point I'm not inclined to disagree. Take, for instance her constant allusions to Existentialism and French New Wave.

From personal experience, 9 out of 10 people who name drop Existentialism into a conversation are in-fucking-sufferably smug assholes who don't what they're talking about. I'm not afraid to say that I might fall into this category.

And as much I love Godard, Truffaut, and all them cats, most people who say they like French New Wave -- unless that person is a bearded professor or European -- are really trying to impress you. It's code for look at how cool, hip, and savvy I am! It's in the same vein as telling people how much you can bench press. Again, this might be a self indictment.

All said though, regardless of whether she's "authentic" or even likable, based on my light research and my gut, my feeling is that in the years to come she'll subvert our idea of what porn stars are or should be. And if there's anything I'm for, it's good old fashioned subversion.

Oh, and apparently she's beefing with Howard Stern, but I don't think that will go anywhere.