Downton Labia Needs To Be Made: An Open Letter To Someone Special

Dear Producers of Quality Porn Parodies and/or Period Piece Porn (Including, but not limited to, Nica Noelle),


I am writing to draw your attention to a show that is ripe for the porn parody treatment.

Imagine a period piece set in Edwardian England, nestled between that foreboding time between the sinking of the Titantic and the First World War.

Imagine a palatial estate, lush grounds, class conflict, and sexual tension.

Imagine gentility. And the costumes. And the sexual tension. There’s a lot of it.

Imagine this is a real show. Because it is.

Imagine this show has an average viewership of 10 million folks after only one season. Because it does.

Imagine there’s already an audience for Victorian/Edwardian Porn. Because there is.

Yes, I’m talking about Downton Abbey. And yes, you have to porn parody it. Because I, and at least one other person would pay to see it.

I've spent the time writing this, imagining that sexual tension being penetrated every 20-30 minutes.

We’ve already done most of the the hard work, figuring out who will play whom. Kimberly Kane could be Anna Smith. We could bring Sasha Grey out of retirement to play Lady Mary. James Deen, who's like the Seth Rogan of porn, could be William Mason the footman. Mark Davis will play John Bates the valet. And Evan Stone is perfect as the paterfamilias, Robert Crawley.

Oh. and imagine the title: Downton Labia.

This must be done, and you must do it.

Optimistically and Warmly,

Oruba Stone

Where Oruba Gets Stoned And Watches An Entire Pornographic Film Straight Through #1

We  know how I watch porn. It's the same way most of you do. Press Play. Blowjob. Skip. Position One. Skip. Position Two. Skip. Doggie. Skip. Cumshot. Nap.

I don't know about you but it takes me five minutes to watch a thirty minute scene.

I partook in something herbal this week, as is my wont, and partook in something pornographic. It is strange. I've been doing both for over half my life. But it has only been in the past year and a half or so that I've been doing both together. Strange, indeed!

And like that, I become terribly interested in two things. 1. Extending the stroke session for the duration of the scene, and 2. The content, both narrative and subtextual, of whatever I'm watching.

The flick, which is always picked at random, always transforms into something intensely (if unintentionally) profound.

The movie this week, the longest I've watched this way so far, was Sister Wives XXX: A Porn Parody.

Thoughts, Observations, Ruminations.

1. I kind of started watching without knowing it was a parody. I've really pulled back on my TV watching, and all around pop culture acculturation recently, so I had never heard of Sister Wives. The point being . . .
2. . . . I was exposed to the porn parody before being exposed to the original thing. Think about that.
3. As much as I petition for specific acts of political porn parody, I don't actually watch much of it. I don't know if Sister Wives XXX is representative of the genre, but it's actually pretty good. 
4. In her first sex scene, Samantha 38G wore the same shoes she did in a recent scene on her site with Angelina Castro. You see more of them here, still I'm disappointed she took off before the scene was through. The fact that I feel the need to mention them reminds me that I have to write a long overdue post on my shoe fetish (more like an intense shoe like. Actual shoe fetishists are weird).
5. I'm surprised at the variety of women here. How often do you see a BBW like Samantha 38G and waifs like India Summer in the same movie? 
6. I had watched the entire movie before realizing that hot brunette I'd stroked to one and a half thimes was India Summer.
7. Aliysa Moore's baby and India Summer's children are played by a doll and huge cardboard cutouts respectively. It makes sense that actual freaking children can't be cast in even non-sex scenes of a porn flick (Oh dear Lord, imagine the backlash!), but it's still a bizarre sight for a dude with a headful of smoke.
8. Either I was retarded high or Evan Stone is actually a solid comedic actor, employing subtle nuances of voice and movement as well as quick, coy glances to the fourth wall to satirize his character  without actually breaking character. Yeah, must've been retarded high.
9. You got to hand it to someone who can make a sex movie about how ridiculous polygamy is. 
10. Although there seemed to be a lot of understated art direction, it looks like parodying a reality show has to be the most cost effective way to go. Following around Evan Stone and a few women in Mom Jeans can't possibly be that much more expensive than your bare bones gonzo flick. It's certainly no Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge. 

 Yes, I watched and stroked straight through. There were smoke breaks (rest periods, initiated for obvious reasons), but overall a exhilerating 2+ hour experience.

Another Open Letter To Hustler Video

Dear Hustler Video,

You've been watching the news. You, no doubt, know that the race for the presidency is already underway.

I don't know about you, but I look out into the current Republican field and see Porn Parody Possibility. True, Sarah Palin, your muse, has gone out of her way to not run for president. But I'm writing to tell you not to sleep on Michele Bachmann. In fact, you should bank on the number of voters who want to sleep with her.

I guarantee you, right now, someone is googling:

• Michele Bachmann Sex
• Michele Bachmann Naked
• Michele Bachmann Porn
• Michele Bachmann Porn Parody
• Michele Bachmann Bat Shit Crazy Sex

And right now, those folks are coming up with disappointing results.

Supply that demand. Fill that void, so to speak. Because we both know that it's only a matter of time before Romney gets the nomination, the Tea Party loses the loonies, and Bachmann becomes irrelevant again. Make a buck before that happens. Fulfilled the desires of the patriotic while you're at it.

Who will play the Senator from Minnesota, you ask?

Lucky for you, I've already done the leg work.

I present you Lezley Zen. She has the right look. She's

the right age of MILF. Like Lisa Ann, she's an explosive performer who has the ability to literally bring us to our knees. And she looks more like Bachmann

than Lisa does to Palin.

Let's make this happen. There is an audience waiting to watch, ballot in an hand, pants around ankles. Like Who's Naylin Paylin, You could make history again. Let's make this happen.

Best Wishes,

Oruba Stone

Michele Bachmann, Who will Porn Parody You?

Inquiring minds want to know. Before we know it, another election season will be upon us, along with an ancient American tradition dating backto 2008 with the production of Who's Nailin' Paylin? -- the Political Porn Parody featuring the Hot Chick Running.

I look toward U.S Representative Michele Bachmann of Minnesota. Her bat-shit crazy beliefs, and questionable politics aside, or perhaps because of them, she's among the front runners for the GOP's presidential nomination. Her looks and easy Milfness makes her a prime candidate for Porn Parody.

But before we pen this open letter to Hustler, we must decide, Oh Friends, what Milf star will play Rep. Bachmann. in theis absolutely necessary movie.

This is our chance to exercise our patriotic duties as citizens and vote.

After a quick look at the women at My Friend's Hot Mom, I present to you the candidates:

1. Shay Sights - I'm only vaguely familiar with Milf, having only heard and seen hear name over the past year or so. Upon seeing her I see she has a passing resemblance to the Congresswoman. More so than Lisa Ann has to Sarah Palin.

2. Lezley Zen - Resemblance to Bachmann aside, Lezly has been a favorite of mine for years. You and I know, friends, that she'll put on a performance of a lifetime.

3. Sarah Brooks - Not familiar with this woman. She was first face that popped out when I perused My Friend's Hot Mom.

4. Tabitha Stevens - A classic. A woman from my formative years who's finding easy and welcome transition into the brave new world of Milf/Cougar Porn. Perhaps can capture the same demo who flew to Naylin Paylin: Young Men who on the surface just appear to want see a politician naked (or someone who resembles her enough) but are secretly yearning for a golden age.

5. Amy Fisher - We know her as the 'Long Island Lolita." She caused a sensation in the 90s with a tale of sex and attempted murder that was flashed all over the news media for months. She's back in the light as scandal -- as a porn star! After recovering over the shock, you see how much she resemble a certain Representative from Minnesota. Then you realize what you're thinking is totally possible in this world.

Update: You, my faithful readers, have dutifully exercised your right and duly elected your next Porn Parodized Representative. Read the inevitable letter to Hustler Video Here.  

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Who Would You Like To See In The Highly Likely Michele Bachmann Porn Parody?

This Needs to Be Made! An Open Letter to Hustler Video

NOTE: A proper email will be sent as soon as I can get a reliable contact address.


Dear Hustler Video,

I'm writing you in particular because you are responsible for the recent flood of porn parodies. I'm writing to you in really particular because you are the force behind Who's Nailin' Paylin?

Please take note of the juxtaposed images above. I've written recently about the eerie resemblance between Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell and Porn Starlet Alice Bell. Upon further reflection I've firmed in my opinion that this resemblance is more than passing. And I'm sure that I'm far from alone in this thought.

There are two factors you must consider:

1. This is who Christine O'Donnell is: She's a former practitioner of witchcraft. She's outspoken about the evils of masturbation. She's an acolyte of Sarah Palin. This parody writes itself! SCENE: A young candidate from Delaware takes a break from the campaign trail. She blows off some steam and slips into old habits by engaging mentor and pal Paylin in a Ouija session. Paylin returns the favor by teaching her the joys of mutual masturbation. SCENE: B/G with former Delaware Senator and Vice President (played by Randy West). This is just off the top of my head!
   
2. The election is in a few weeks and she is not projected to win. It's not like you have a 6 year term to wait around on getting this done. Unless she pulls a Palin (granted, not completely unlikely, as pretty as she is), she'll be out of the public consciousness by January.

It may seem like an impossible task to crank out a movie in a couple weeks but it was still under the same time constraints that Who's Nalin' Paylin? was made. It is entirely doable.

I, and I'm willing too bet quite a few people, would very much like to see this movie made. parodies are still very much in vogue. Palin who would be the anchor for this vehicle is still very relevant, lampoonable, and sexy. Please make this movie!

Best Wishes,

Oruba Stone