So Many Lanes

Ever given yourself a porn star name? You know how it goes: your first name comes from your childhood pet's name, your last is the street you grew up on. Mine comes out to Bucky Willow. This development has kept me out of porn as I have no desire to be a bottom in gay porn.

I often wonder how porn stars come up with their names. Wouldn't surprise me if some of them use the above protocol. I'm sure an overwhelming majority choose from a pool of stereotypical porn star/ stripper names (e.g., Amber, Britney, Nikki, Angel, Heather, Brandy, Chloe, etc). Of course you have your Sasha Greys and their obscure references. Who knew you could make sex flicks with Sascha Konietzko and Dorian Gray's monikers?

What about last names? There are the obvious references to sex (your Coxes and whatnot). There are certain last names that are abundant in porn for reasons I have yet to find out. Cody Lane, Sunny Lane, Vanessa Lane, Morgan Layne, etc. Why are there all these Lanes in porn? Is it their IRL surnames? Is there some sex reference I'm just not seeing? Is there some proto-sex goddess to whom all these women are alluding? Do all these signs point to Chasey Lain? Lois Lane? Does anyone know?

Porn Star Haiku: Naomi Russell

Lordosis never

looked so good. Your ass and you

make me lose my cool.

Choosing My First Impressions

After writing yesterday's post, I reflected about the unique position I'm in.

I have neither seen Sasha Grey in a porn nor a mainstream flick.

First impressions are everything, right? Whatever movie I watch first will, whether I like it or not, influence how I perceive her.

I am in the position to pick the road I follow though I won't necessarily know the outcome.

Should my first impression of Sasha Grey be her lead role in a film by the same Academy Award^® winning director who gave me Schizopolis?

Or should I watch her take on fifteen dudes and a hook first?

Ambassador jumpsuit landmine!!!!!!!

My Utterly Uninformed Thoughts on Sasha Grey

Skydweller, who may or may not be affiliated with the Disney Corporation, writes:


"man could you please write about porn star Sasha Grey? I wanna know more about her."


Skydweller, if you just surfed in here, you probably wouldn't know this but this blog is a reflection on porn as filtered through my personal experience. And I'll be frank, perhaps too frank: I've never masturbated to Sasha Grey.

And in truth I couldn't give you a good reason why. Her videos are easy to come by. She is an exceptional beauty. I have always been partial to brunettes. She seems accessible which, strange to say, is a factor in who I watch. I think with porn like in other areas of my life I have the tendency to stay off the well beaten path. I'm more likely to following my own whims than do something because it's hot. And Sasha Grey is en fuego.

I'm not mad at her for it. More power to her. But for whatever reason, perhaps my current infatuation with redheads, I'm not feeling her right now. Someday I'll get around to indulging in her movies. When that happens, you'll be the first to know.

That said, I hate to let people down. I figure as much as I surf the internets for porn, surely I must know something that may be of use to you. Here is what I been able to gleam from my travels:

Her Wikipedia page is perhaps the most in-depth I've seen for any porn star except Ron Jeremy. What hasn't she done? She's in both Porn and Mainstream films. She's modeled for American Apparel, the company I love to hate. She's put out industrial records. And Much More.

She's a busy Renaissance woman, it seems. Quite an accomplished lady at her age. But from what I've been reading, she has a few detractors. People who say her intelligence, if not her whole persona is an affectation.

Like I said, I not terribly familiar with her, but at this point I'm not inclined to disagree. Take, for instance her constant allusions to Existentialism and French New Wave.

From personal experience, 9 out of 10 people who name drop Existentialism into a conversation are in-fucking-sufferably smug assholes who don't what they're talking about. I'm not afraid to say that I might fall into this category.

And as much I love Godard, Truffaut, and all them cats, most people who say they like French New Wave -- unless that person is a bearded professor or European -- are really trying to impress you. It's code for look at how cool, hip, and savvy I am! It's in the same vein as telling people how much you can bench press. Again, this might be a self indictment.

All said though, regardless of whether she's "authentic" or even likable, based on my light research and my gut, my feeling is that in the years to come she'll subvert our idea of what porn stars are or should be. And if there's anything I'm for, it's good old fashioned subversion.

Oh, and apparently she's beefing with Howard Stern, but I don't think that will go anywhere.

On Porno Art

I watch a lot of porn. Duh, right?

As such, after while, I, being the special guy that I am, notice patterns, fixtures, recurrences. Things like the pervasive potted plant in the corner or the inexplicably ubiquitous folding room partition in the background. Things like black guys keeping their shoes on (I haven't figured that one out yet).

What I notice most is the abundance of art in porn movies. You see it everywhere, and all kinds: good, bad...mostly bad. If the scene isn't outside, in a motel room, or on a fabricated set, you'll probably see something hanging on the wall.

Several questions arise:

1. Have there been any recognizable pieces featured? I'm not talking about The Nightwatch, certainly, but something from a hot artist from the last 5-10 years or so.

2. Does having your art pop up in a sex flick increase or lower its value? I'm guessing if early deaths and bizarre lifestyles are a career-maker, porn appearance can't be that detrimental.

3. Somewhat, related to the first question. The houses a lot of these movies are shot in pretty much look interchangeable. Has anyone seen a painting and gone, "Oh, that's _________'s place"?

4. Am I the only one who notices shit like this?

5. Why?

I guess the most logical (and least fun) explanation is that many non-motel room, non-fake set sex flicks are shot in pretty swanky digs in and around Porn Valley. A surefire way for the arriviste to gain respectability is through collecting art. I'm assuming, of course, Old Money don't let their houses out for porn shoots, but I could be wrong.

A collage construct from a random sampling of my collection:

I am a geek for documentaries and books about the lives of various works of art. I like knowing how it got from A to B, what happens from the time it's created and the time it gets to its present home. If the story begins with an impoverished, unappreciated artist who sells his prized painting to make rent, and then proceeds to how it was hidden from the Nazis by Resistance members in a dank cave for four years, and ends with the painting now a national treasure hung in the Louvre, then you've got my attention the whole time (no mean feat).

Thinking of Porno Art I let my mind wander.

What if there were an artist. He isn't a hot new thing but he is talented. He isn't known in the big art circles, but he does fairly well in Southern California. His work isn't selling for more than $1000, but he's moves quite a few paintings out of his studio. Maybe he has friends in the porn industry, or maybe it's a fluke of fate, but many of his paintings end up in homes in San Fernando Valley.

Suppose he dies at a young age before his career could take off. Maybe his death is especially tragic or unusual, maybe a renown art critic stumbles across one of his pieces by accident (I'm thinking at a garage sale he almost didn't go to). Could be anything that does it, but soon after his death his profile starts picking up.

Five, ten years go by and this guy becomes hot. Paintings that originally sold for $500 now go for $20,000 easy. Many find that by selling that painting from behind the couch they once thought worthless, they could finance several movies, or buy a new car. His works start moving out of Porn Valley and find their way into the hands of prominent dealers and private collectors all across the US, Japan, Russia, Europe.

Another ten years go buy and this guy's paintings start to appear in museums. Women are shocked to learn, when liquidating their husband's assets for the divorce proceedings, that the ugly painting that's been hiding in storage for all these years in now worth $800,000.

Seventy-five years go by and the artist is a major figure in Western Art. His paintings are in the Met, and the National Gallery, and the Guggenheim. The latest auction offering was a frenzied affair with his most celebrated piece going for $1.2 billion (not that outrageous if you consider inflation). Unknown in his own time, the artist is now considered a pioneer and creator of his own Movement.

And in the classroom of an art school, a professor is starting a three day lecture on this man's life and work. He's giving the Life of a Masterpiece Spiel for a painting that is now priceless.

And it goes something like this: "...was featured in Tinker with My Stinker 2 and Interracial Hole Stretchers 4..."

The DoppelGanger and Celebreality

I try. I really do. I try so hard to distance myself from Reality TV but -- some of you have seen this coming -- I find myself watching the newest season of Charm School. Granted, I'm still watching in the same 5 minutes chunks I afford to all of VH1's Celebreality lineup, but my tolerance is slowly, and sadly, building.

I've written about my not-at-all-difficult quests to find the pornwork of my favorite females of Celebreality. I've also written about Celebreality stars I want to see do porn.

And what do you know: two minutes into Charm School Ithought I struck gold again. Brittanya, who, along with being conspicuously absent from the cast listing on the show's website, and seemed to have evaded my notice during Rock Bus of Love, looked like one of my favorite regulars from Naughty America.

Or at least I thought. But bit of googling turned up the fact that Audrey Bitoni and Brittanya O'Campo are two different people. Had not one of them been heavily tattooed, I would have had much more trouble making that asertation. They look remarkably similar.

There is actually a porn star on the show, Brittaney Starr, but I've never been into her.

An Open Letter To Jeanna Fine

Dear Ms. Fine,

Allow me to start off by saying that I have been a fan of yours for a great many years now, nearly half of my life. Your onscreen exploits made an indelible imprint on me during my formative years. I doubt I will ever forget the effortlessly waton sexuality that you exuded. For that I want to thank you for making my adolescence what it was.

The reason for the letter is to implore you, beg you, to return to porn once more. I know I can't be the only person who's been waiting for you to come back. I sincerely believe that your return will stoke the pornstalgic flames of many men my age as well as enflame the hearts and passions of a new generation of youth.

The time is ripe; it has been for a few years now. The new swell of Milf and Cougar porn has brought many of the legends of yesteryear back to the forefront of our nation's pornographic consciousness. Your background reveals that you are Milf Compliant. Even without kids, you would fit quite naturally as an uberCougar, a role you seemed destined to play since the the early 90's.

If retirement is too sweet a deal to leave behind, please consider a limited run at the top reality sites. Or perhaps a season as Naughty America's Milf/Cougar-In-Residence?

I can't convey how much your return, however brief, would mean to young men (and maybe some women too) around the country. You would be doing us all a great honor even thinking about it.

With what I assume to be love and what I know to be the most sincere admiration,

You everlong fan,

Oruba Stone

Porn Star Haiku: Andi Anderson

My heart is yours. Your

Plump lips, I wish on mine. Your

Fat ass, on my face.

Woodsmen and Cougars

Like most men, I once habored a desire to be a porn stud. I have since disabused myself of the notion for the usual reasons:

• I cling to an utterly unrealistic hope of running for Congress someday. A porn past might be a wee bit detrimental.
• The real fact that my mother is still alive and knows how to use Google.
• The equally real possibility that my future children will be just as net savvy and porn hungry as their old man and will be able to recognize a 20-something version of their father if not by looks then by his birthmarks, piercings and tattoos.
• Everything will be on HD soon; there can be no denying it's you.

It's a hard life anyway. You get paid shit. You can't pick your partners; a dude with a Yes or No List is laughable. You have to be able to cum on command. If there's another guy in the scene you will inevitably touch dicks. And that's nothing because unless you're a superstar, if you want to make money in the business you definitely will have to go "gay for pay."

Still the thought comes into my head, though I'll never act on it. Sometimes, when I'm with someone I love, or more likely someone I just met but feel tenderly for regardless, and I find I have trouble achieving orgasm due to too much alcohol and anxiety, I like to pretend I'm on a set, under many bright lights with two cameras pointed at me and I'm fucking a girl who's body of work I admire but franky just met two hours earlier. I image that the directer has given me the green light to blow my load.

It almost always works. I don't know if that speaks profoundly about me or the times we live in. Probably both.

This I hope should serve as a springboard for the two things on my mind today: Today's woodsmen -- who are, let's face it, my age or younger -- and Milf/Cougar porn bringing past legends back into the spotlight.

The way I see it, unless these guys are all-out gay, they share a porn past with me. They probably spent their adolescence sneaking copies of Cherie, Club, Penthouse, High Society; watching scrambled porn; sending away for copies of the Adam & Eve catalog. I imagine that a 25 year old porn stud, like me has spent a considerable amount of his formative years beating off to Rayveness, Janine, Debi Diamond, Kylie Ireland, Jill Kelley, Teri Weigel, Julia Ann to name a few. I imagine that boy growing up and ten years later finding himself on a porno set about to actually bed down one of his early fantasies. How unreal would that be? Would it be akin to being called up to the majors with your first at bat facing Roger Clemens (Yes, I compared sex with a porn star to baseball)? Or would the routine of doing this regularly set in and it be just another job?

I wonder if there have been any starstuck moments. Maybe a geeked out dude fumbling for a pen and pad to get Nina Hartley's autograph. Does he brag about it to his friends afterwards?

What the Fuck, Jordan Lee?

This is craziness! That's all I can say.

My previous post brought Jordan Lee back to mind. Although I was a frequent visitor of Porn Star Uncensored back in the nineties, it seemed like I was into everyone except the site's namesake.

My curiosity piqued I figure I do some light research, at least refresh my memory as to what she looked like.

What Google turned up was an old article from the Dallas Observer about the insane multiples lives of Jordan Lee.

If nine pages is too much to read, let me summarize.

1. Jordan Lee takes her kid and leaves her husband for a drug fueled stay in New York with her paramour, a pimp named Martin Fish.

2. Her husband finds documents indicating that Jordan also known as Samantha Kastler, was actually born Gloria Grimes and has been lying about her identity, age, other hubands, the list goes on...

3. Prior to her porn career, Jordan, along with Kastler, and a man named Len Baxley were all Dallas police officers who specialized on DWI's. The three of them were all indicted for fraud.

4. Baxley proclaims his innocence. He says that Jordan, who later turns states evidence against Baxley and Kastler, set him up.

5. When told of her penchent for identity theft by Kastler, Baxely resolves to hunt Jordan down.

6. Lulz!!!

I put this dizzying article behind me. I'm still in pornstalgic mode, so I figure I do a search for Madelyn Night, a woman I was very much in love with in my youth.

I get this Luke Ford post saying that she may or may not be dead. According to her cousin Madelyn Night died during childbirth in February of 2008. But Pamela Peaks claimed to have seen her escorting in New York in May 2008.

Its a pickle, Oruba, but what does this have to do with anything?

It gets good, trust me:

The cousin claims that the ex-husband and his girlfriend (Martin Fish and Jordan Lee) stole Madelyn Night’s identity and setup an illegal escorting company in her name and even hired porn star look a likes to pose as porn star escorts, including a girl who could have been Jenna Jameson’s twin sister.

The cousin also claims that Martin Fish and his girlfriend Jordan Lee took the identity theft a step further and filed a federal trademark for Madelyn Night and continued to use it and profit from this fraud for years

And this is where I stop reading because I know my head will explode if I go on. Shit like this doesn't happen in real life. My brain refuses to accept this isn't fiction.

Someone really really needs to write a book.

Debi Diamond Is Back!

Debi Diamond is following me on Twitter. In the back of my mind I think all the porn stars a'tweetin' are really bots or the president of their fan clubs or the intern from their publicist's office. But, just to make my life more magical than it is, I suspend my disbelief. There's something exhiliarating about peeping into the quotidian goings-ons of their lives. Something comforting in knowing that porn starlets can be just as boring as you.

Most of Ms. Diamond's tweets seem to be semi-coherent articulations of a barely controllable sexual urge. This makes me think bot simply because it's so very different from your more typical porn starlet tweets which run the gamut of: boarding flights, deboarding flights, doing laundry, cleaning out the basement, going to the salon, etc. Her other tweets sound like haiku-like exclamations into the maelstrom of the Twitterverse from a person with an intense lust for life. This makes me think person, and an interesting one at that.

I can assume that Debi is tweeting because of her return to the adult film industry. She started making movies again after an absence of over a decade. Once again, thank God for Milf/Cougar porn.

It's been years since I've thought of Debi Diamond. I'm going to date myself and say that I have memories of surreptiously checking out her pictures on Jordan Lee's now defunct website, praying that the librarian wouldn't come around before the Slow-As-Chinese-Torture dial up modem finished downloading.

Needless to say Ms. Diamond's return has triggered pornstalgia. And quicker than you could say "I love the future," I had a copy of her recent scene.

Let me say that Dirty Rotten Motherfuckers 3 is a veritable Who's Who of women I used to jerk off to when I was 15:

Tabitha Stevens - I had no idea what this woman looked like in unscrambled form

Shayla LaVeaux - I just got used to not thinking of her when I see Shyla Stylez's name.

And five minutes into her scene I remember why I used to be uncomfortable watching her fuck: All that slapping, spitting, forcing, and screaming. You have that sinking feeling that you're witnessing rape. But she's so into it you suspend your disbelief and tell yourself that it's pretend; she'll walk away unscathed when the cameras turn off, collect her paycheck, and go off to do some twitter-worthy things like look for new flatware at Crate and Barrel. And you suspend long enough to get through the stroke session. And for the most part you leave it behind you and get on with your day, but deep inside you feel an intense pity for her and you question what you did.

I remember -- many years ago, around the time when it was a considered good day to have downloaded 20 porn pics -- reading an article in Rolling Stone about the then burgeoning porn industry. The article featured Seymore Butts and Nina Hartley, but it was Debi Diamond who I remember most vividly. The reporter was there to witness one of her scenes, a particularly brutal one, where her necklace is ripped off of her neck, pearls scattering everywhere. When it was over Debi tells the reporter in what I alternatingly remember as an either nonchalent or sorrowful tone that she was given that necklace by her dead grandmother.

Ah, Pathos.

Is Our Collective Lack Of Pubes Symptomatic?

About two years ago, back when I was a young and carefree 26, I met a woman who after a pleasurable date, was nice enough to invite me in for coffee.

An hour later, in the sanctity of her room she disrobed.

And what stared me right in the face was what we in the business (the business of watching entirely too much porn), like to call Seventies Bush.

It startled me in that up to that point, after being sexual active for nearly ten years, I had never seen a female au naturale, outside of, of course, seventies porn. And I've been with girls who like to think of themselves as hippies.

The truth is that the overwhelming majority of the crotches I encounter are bald. The rest are groomed like topiary, mostly runways, diamonds, and triangles. Yes, I did know a girl with a heart.

And as much as I would like to lie, these weren't strippers and porn stars. I stopped dating “party chicks” when I was 20 so they don't account for huge percentage of bald pussies. These are for the most part librarians, baristas, grad students, and an folk musician from Iran. For the most part women, who if you undressed with your eyes you would not expect to turn up with bald pussies.

Miss Beaver, I will call her, was the exception that made me question what I had taken for granted. Just how long have women been taking Southern grooming so seriously?

This recollection brought to mind a Naomi Wolf article where she claims that the ubiquity of porn today has made it so that ordinary women have to compete with the porn standard to get men's attention.

Were women this concerned about pubic grooming 10-15 years ago? Anecdotal Evidence: I'd never heard of a Brazilian wax till about 7 years ago.

If it's the disappearance of pubic hair now, what will be the next manifestation of women's keeping up with the Porns?

When will be the next time I encounter free range pussy?

Can Art Be Porn?

The short answer is perhaps.

In 17th century Spain, the Inquisition held sway. Sexuality was tightly controlled and the depiction of nude women was forbidden. But like in every era, power and money will gain you leniency if not license. It became common for men of influence, royals and courtiers, to have paintings of nudes in their inner bedroom chambers. And for men like Philip IV of Spain, nudes by such revered artists as Rubens and Titian served a utilitarian purpose rather than a metaphysical or aesthetic one.


Did you think of that couple who watch Adam & Eve erotica together to spice things up in the bedroom? Me too, although the paintings could have been used to rub one out every now and again.

Today they hang in the National Gallery, the Liechtenstein Museum, the Met, museums all over the world. They're held up as artifacts of our rich human heritage but really their raison d'etre was to help some nobleman get his rocks off. Granted, they were created by men who were thought of as artists by just about everyone, but one wonders if these works exist solely because of 1635's shortage of cameras and sleazy guys in track suits who take naked pictures of comely yet naive Barcelonan girls.

For the BBW Fans

I Love Love Love Anna

This is Anna Vocino. She plays the lovely, but long-suffering Anna on VH1's pee-yr-pants funny Free Radio. I don't particularly want to see her in porn. I just want to see more of her. She makes me feel all tingly inside. Just thought I should share.