Sunday, March 29, 2009

For the Sweet Love of Tristan Taormino

I don't know if this has been said before, maybe not on the intertubes at least. If I am truly the first person to publicly announce this, let it be known that I wasn't ashamed to admit it: I think Tristan Taormino is cute. I'm not talking about sleek, airbrushed, super-waify Tristan. I think she's cute just the way she looks in real life.Hell, I think I'd even date her.

Yes, I think it would be cool if we dated, at least for a few months. We could talk about feminist theory, Dostoevsky, or the finer points of butoh. Or we could spend quite evenings at home watching Bergman films or reading Rumi to each other over bottles of Two Buck Chuck.

And in the bedroom I'd do whatever she wants.

I thought about that last line and I take it back because I know exactly how it'll play out. She'll want to explore our sexual possibilities. The word “pansexual” will float out there all casual-like. So will some other dude's name. And I won't have a problem till it occurs to me that it's supposed to be me doing the exploring. To which I will inevitably go, “Sorry, I love you but no homo.”

But I will be the little spoon to her big spoon and we'll spoon. And everything will be perfect for about four months, four and a half months tops.

Also, just to show you the depth of my ignorance, even though I've heard the words “Tristan Taormino,” “Thomas Pynchon,” and “niece” in the same sentence countless times—Being a porn addict and book nerd makes for interesting Venn Diagrams—it didn't register till recently that “Tristan” might not be a man.

Maybe that's why I think she's so cute. I was caught off guard.

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