1990: I find out that wrestling is fake. I stop watching. I discover cynicism.
1991: I discover the wonders of masturbation. Porn obsession soon follows.
1997: I discover irony. I start watching wrestling again. My friends and I discover Chyna. We are convinced that she's a man.
2000: Chyna gets hella plastic surgery. We're not fooled. "She's a man."
Fall 2000: Chyna poses nude for Playboy. The issue gets passed around. No one admits to jerking off to it. Full Disclosure: I didn't; she looked too much like a man.
2004: A Night in China is released in typical sex tape fashion. Morbidly interested. Unable to find a single favorable review. I lose interest and spend the next 7 years thinking Chyna either has a small penis or an unusually large clitoris.
2011: Oddly interested in Backdoor to Chyna. The stills are alluring. Chyna doesn't look half bad.
The Next Day: Acquired Backdoor to Chyna. Rubbed one out. Felt something approaching post-stroke shame for the first time in years.
27 Minutes Later: Watched it again. Recommenced stroke session. Markedly less shame this time.
What can you do, right?
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