Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Chyna Timeline

1990: I find out that wrestling is fake. I stop watching. I discover cynicism.

1991: I discover the wonders of masturbation. Porn obsession soon follows.

1997: I discover irony. I start watching wrestling again. My friends and I discover Chyna. We are convinced that she's a man.

2000: Chyna gets hella plastic surgery. We're not fooled. "She's a man."

Fall 2000: Chyna poses nude for Playboy. The issue gets passed around. No one admits to jerking off to it. Full Disclosure: I didn't; she looked too much like a man.

2004: A Night in China is released in typical sex tape fashion. Morbidly interested. Unable to find a single favorable review. I lose interest and spend the next 7 years thinking Chyna either has a small penis or an unusually large clitoris.

2011: Oddly interested in Backdoor to Chyna. The stills are alluring. Chyna doesn't look half bad.

The Next Day: Acquired Backdoor to Chyna. Rubbed one out. Felt something approaching post-stroke shame for the first time in years.

27 Minutes Later: Watched it again. Recommenced stroke session. Markedly less shame this time.

What can you do, right?

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