Porn Star Haiku: Chennin Blanc

The end of our affair
Would be breakfast. The start—
White wine, words, a gaze.

Downton Labia Needs To Be Made: An Open Letter To Someone Special

Dear Producers of Quality Porn Parodies and/or Period Piece Porn (Including, but not limited to, Nica Noelle),


I am writing to draw your attention to a show that is ripe for the porn parody treatment.

Imagine a period piece set in Edwardian England, nestled between that foreboding time between the sinking of the Titantic and the First World War.

Imagine a palatial estate, lush grounds, class conflict, and sexual tension.

Imagine gentility. And the costumes. And the sexual tension. There’s a lot of it.

Imagine this is a real show. Because it is.

Imagine this show has an average viewership of 10 million folks after only one season. Because it does.

Imagine there’s already an audience for Victorian/Edwardian Porn. Because there is.

Yes, I’m talking about Downton Abbey. And yes, you have to porn parody it. Because I, and at least one other person would pay to see it.

I've spent the time writing this, imagining that sexual tension being penetrated every 20-30 minutes.

We’ve already done most of the the hard work, figuring out who will play whom. Kimberly Kane could be Anna Smith. We could bring Sasha Grey out of retirement to play Lady Mary. James Deen, who's like the Seth Rogan of porn, could be William Mason the footman. Mark Davis will play John Bates the valet. And Evan Stone is perfect as the paterfamilias, Robert Crawley.

Oh. and imagine the title: Downton Labia.

This must be done, and you must do it.

Optimistically and Warmly,

Oruba Stone

Questions About Calco Boycs

Who is Calco Boycs? I'm sure anyone with the time for exploration and the patience for decryption can find out. He's on Twitter after all. A tightly written—though with a hint of English-As-A-Second-Language—portrait on Blogspot provides:

Calco Boycs is a swiss born descend from an illustrious french huguenot family with celtic roots. He was educated at Paris-Sorbonne and the Zurich University of the Arts and worked long years as commercial photographer and graphic designer.Bored from fame and success he decided to make a clean sweep. Two years ago he quit his job and left his hometown from one day to another to start anew. Since then he lives under a pseudonym in a remote mountain valley in Provence, France near the Mount Ventoux. Not even his best friends know the exact address.

Yeah. Still an enigma.

A better question is What is Calco Boycs? Simply, he makes stunning porn art. Like these:

Which leads you to ask, Why? Who knows? But I, for one, am grateful.

A question for myself: How did you get into Calco Boycs?

I don't know. His site magically appeared on my bookmarks a few days ago. I don't know how it got there. Should I be alarmed?

Last question: Does Calco Boycs think porn is art?

Clearly, yes.

Peruse Calco Boycs' porn art for yourself here.

Where Oruba Watches Feminist Porn and the Like: Day #3: My Daughter's Boyfriend

Now that I've given couples/feminist/plot-driven/women-directed porn an exclusive go, it looks like James Deen is in every movie I watch. I'm not complaining; dude is good at what he does. This is a curious development though. Maybe this is why women love him so much.

 This next film comes from director Nica Noelle.  My Daughter's Boyfriend is the tale of the seduction of an older woman.

Melissa Monet, whose intriguing bio I just read and you should too, plays that older woman. She just moved to a new place with her family. Though she has a loving and lustful husband, she is unsure of herself, unsure of her sexuality, unsure of her place.

James Deen plays the titular daughter's boyfriend. He dates and fucks Trinity Post, who made me forget she's not an 18 year old nursing student but a porn star about my age, while Mom listens and masturbates in the next room. Mom Melissa Monet lusts after James Deen. But she doesn't think James finds her attractive.

She's wrong.


Things I like:

1. Kissing. Lots of kissing. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm a sucker for kissing in porn. You don't get nearly enough of it in hardcore porn.
2. James Deen. I'll be honest; there aren't many male porn stars I would follow. But James Deen is easily in the Top Three. I'm not a fan of the rape-y stuff, still I am approaching the fandom of an 18 year old girl.
3. The plot, though substantial, doesn't weigh down the sex scenes. In fact, knowing the characters' motivations adds a dimiension to the sex. I almost feel that's what had been missing from nearly ten years of exclusively watching gonzo.
4. Cumshots don't end scenes. Sex In Real Life keeps going after male orgasm, or at least it does with me. Why should porn be any different? Seeing couples continue after dude spews is refreshing to watch and validates my bedroom experiences.

Things I don't like:

1. The fucking soft focus and neutral color palate. I truly believe that this genre would be immensely more popular if it didn't resemble a Lifetime movie. Please don't tell me this is what women actually like.

Overall, a pleasurable experience. I wouldn't hesitate to watch it again.You can watch My Daughter's Boyfriend here.

Where Oruba Watches Feminist Porn and the Like: Day #1: Open Invitation

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BBW I Love Love Love #10: Claudia Marie

I don't know exactly how I came upon the wondrous and boob-ponderous Claudia Marie. Wasn't too long ago. Maybe 2 or 3 years ago. I wish I'd discover her sooner.

This self-proclaimed "Big tit whore" will always be a hit with me. Maybe — and excuse the momentary flare up of classism — it's the the right touch of white trash. Maybe it's beaming Southern Charm. That extra large smile. That bigger than life personality that draws you in like a vortex.

Or, maybe it's her bigger than life breasts.

I don't know what it is, but even when I'm not looking to stroke, something drags me back to Claudia-Marie.

I will keep letting that something drag me back. Claudia-Marie has never disappointed.

She is also a BBW I Love because she's a songbird

BBW I Love Love Love #9: Mercy 44FF

In what seemed like an eternity ago, I found myself, in my porn viewing habits, purposely seeking out older, busted, and often chubby women.

That disposition led me to a site I still frequent today: Exploited Moms.

To be clear the women aren't what I've been calling "Ugly Girl Porn." UGP are girls I truly find attractive but who'd fail to pass in the hyper critical eye of society at large. The women who were on EM back in 2004 were for the most part were of the dried up crackhead type¹. (though you wouldn't be able to tell from a perusal of their non-member page -- or, from what I hear, their actual site, -- they have since acquired stellar scenes from the likes of Carrie Ann, and Bobby Lennox².)

And that's where Mercy stood apart. I mean, she was as busted as the rest of EM's early stable. But you could tell she had something special inside. I can't watch her other stuff, and I don't have much interest in the stuff on her own porn site. But I do love her. My entire love of Mercy comes from her EM scene.

Is it because the super-human Wesley Pipes' puts in the most skillful, downright filthiest performance of his career? Is it because of Mercy's inner specialness, which, if you did a little digging, would discover makes her the kind of girl who's an archeologist, mainstream actress, comedian, and renaissance fair aficionado? I don't know. You tell me.

I stand corrected. There's also this spectacular scene with Byron Long

Here's an interview from 2007

Yeah, an all around singular, amazing person. I could see myself spending a lot of time with her. 

---

1. I'm not proud of myself.
2. From personal account, as well as from the word of others, The Exploited Moms site is the height of disorganization and the last place you would look for quality porn from Exploited Moms. You couldn't tell from even a deep study of the tour pages that there are EM scenes with the likes of Shay Fox, Caroline Pierce, and Rayveness. You buy a subscription only to find that some of the scenes that enticed you aren't even on the member site. If you want a complete EM collection, your best bet is downloading from messageboards.