Like Roseanne's Darlene,
But hotter and nakeder and
Not quite the dike.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Meaty, But Not Fat, and Still, Pretty
I like to track the search words that send visitors to this blog.
Apparently most of my readers surf in via one of the two posts I wrote last year on the unfortunate, late Julie Ellis. So unsurprisingly, the majority of search words are Julie Ellis related.
julie ellis overdose
julie ellis porn
julie ellis pornstar
julie ellis death
julie ellis died
what happened to porn actress julie ellis
etc.
But why on earth would anyone google "julie ellis johnny cash"?
Here's a list of what's turned up only in the past month. I can only guess at my typical reader's frame of mind.
"tory lane" "how many men"
"behind the green door" "cum shot"
porndar
blacks on blondes gangbang feel bad died overdose
reptile love women
"meriam benezra" reptiles
reptile pussy porn
reptile pussy body hardcore
My all time favorite will probably always be "meaty, but not fat, and still, pretty" which I only can assume was authored by someone who, like myself, has a thing for Amber Peach. What a poetic line! I doubt a more beautiful phrase has been googled.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Porn Star Haiku: Ava Devine
Do what you do.
Even with the huge boobs reduced,
Sparks, cum, spit still fly.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Make Love Not Porn
I was 25 before it was brought to my attention that some, no, most women don't like getting cummed on. It had been my thing for quite a few years to ask right, when the moment was right, where she wanted me to cum. Most wanted it on the stomach. Some wanted it on their ass. Still others, the keepers, let me jizz on their face.
One night, while wiping off her breasts, my girlfriend at the time quietly said she didn't like it. Like what, I asked. When you cum on me, she said in an even quieter voice. Why did you let me do it then? It's not like I surprised you. I did ask.
I spent that month calling exes and flings. An unscientific poll was conducted. The majority preferred I had kept my fluids to myself. When asked why they'd allowed it, they all answered the same way as sweet, quiet June: it made me happy.
And why did creaming on girls make me happy? Well, a lifetime of porn led me to believe it's what girls like. Oh, the vicious cycle!
There's a site on the internets that spells out more of these Real World/Porn World splits. It's called Make Love Not Porn. I like it. Dear Reader, you should too.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
A Lazy Man's Interview of Candace Moon.
Someday, someday I've told myself, I'll interview some porn starlets. These days I got so much going on, I could barely update this blog regularly much less conduct an interview. Accidentally, this week I stumbled on a novel way to essentially get interview results with none of the effort.
Yes, they were exactly the kind of questions you would expect anonymous strangers to pose a porn actress:
Formspring is an intriguing little website where an a account holder gets to field questions from anonymous strangers. I had the pleasure of meeting the lovely Candace Moon, the vivacious BBW porn starlet, via Twitter. She pointed me toward her formspring. I beheld and awed at the questions being lobbed at her.
Would you let me fuck you? 100% Sperm for you!;
Do you feel like fucking right now?
Where would you like my cock most?
Do you like to fondle balls?
What would you do with my cock?
How many men you think have left their cum in your ass?
Can I lick your pussy?
Can I stick my cock inside you? Yes?
Do you know how much I want to fuck you?
Would you ever fuck a fan?
What's you're mobile number?
Where do you live?
Do you do escort meets?
What size is your clit?
Would you add me as a friend if you could see my naked pics?
Do you want to join my birthday gang bang?
I'm thinking "Doesn't all that get tiring, sister?" I would imagine it getting old after a while. I saw this as a chance to change things up for her, make it less monotonous and at the same time get one of those "Earnest Look" interviews I keep talking about wanting to do. The following took place over the course of two days through my phone while waiting for the train, in between classes, and while in line for coffee.
Oruba Stone : It's 8 am. You desparately need coffee. To your horror you find you're out of filters. What do you do?
Candace Moon : Cry, and then use a paper towel as a filter
OS : What is your very very first memory?
CM : When i was very little we had a farm, and my first memory is feeding one of the cows we had, her name was Beulah, i remember feeding her caramels, she loved them
OS : Righty or lefty?
CM : simple, random fact, I like it...righty :D
OS : Leno or Conan?
CM : neither, I hate that trash tv
CM : My husband
CM : girls with big tits and nice asses. guys with good personalities and a nice cock
CM : pushy men, body odor, bad breath
OS : What's your favorite John Hughes movie?
CM : who is John Hughes?
OS : What is the most attractive quality a man could have?
CM : A funny personality, and a good attitude
CM : Yes, I knit and crochet, and I make jewelry
OS : Who's your favorite New Kid on the Block and why?
CM : I don't enjoy the new kids on the block, never did never will. Is it one of the Wahlberg brothers that is an actor? I like him. lol
OS : How many members of the Wu Tang Clan can you name?
OS : What is your favorite Corey Haim movie? You know who he is.CM : What is a wu tang clan? You kids and your crazy language LOL
CM : I do. The Lost Boys
CM : hehe ummm Gerard Butler maybe
CM : Read every single contract that you sign, and don't trust anyone LOL
CM : Geez, I admire so many. Fatty D, for sure, MissMinnabbw the list goes on and on...
CM : Briefs definitely
CM : Yes, to fuck a friend of mine the next time I see him ;)
CM : Mark Davis, and Katja Kassin
CM : Mark Davis, hands down
CM : in some form, until I'm dead
CM : as much as i love kissing..i would have to say all sex and no kissing. Why? Do i really need to explain why...
CM : hmm Coffee in the morning, a diner for breakfast brunch, a long walk in a beautiful park. A movie and ice cream in bed, what can I say...I'm a simple girl
CM : Belladonna, because she does her own thing no matter what anyone says, and Fatty D because she's a curvy girl and so gorgeous!
CM : Porn Stars?
CM : I would never be another starlet. Nuh uh
CM : My hitachi
CM : Elvis
Some people are only here to collect property. I am here with my suitcase to collect only the good brains!! I am an alien from the other world, from outer space, I don't have no land, no estate, no property, no house. Not on this earth. I live in space.
CM : Italy
CM : Love feels like everything.
OS : Are you happy?
CM : Insanely.
Also, I really wish I wrote this beauty but I can't take credit for it:
I love the Internet!
You could ask Ms. Candace Moon questions here.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Ginormous Cock Sparks Existential Discussion
Earlier this week, The Daily Show aired a high-larious segment about a man with a peculiar problem:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Jonah Falcon Needs a Job | ||||
| ||||
Samantha Bee : You were born with a thirteen and a half inch penis and your last name is Falcon. You were born to make porn!
It seems that young Jonah Falcon is unemployed, lives at home with his mom, and has no prospects. But he as a gift. Jonah Falcon has a 13 and a half inch penis. This is a gift, however, he refuses to capitalize on, much to the disbelief of Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee.
Two related questions come to mind. Please weigh in. I assume, aside from the delightful Alison Hart, the overwhelming majority of you readers are male.
1. Would you do porn if you could?
2. Would you be happy with a 14 inch penis?
Would you do porn if you could? I know it seems that the default guy answer is not just "Yes!" but "Hellz yes!" But I beg to differ. I think if shown the realities of men in porn, many guys wouldn't opt for the life. I personally wouldn't do porn. Unless your name is Rocco, Pete, or Lex, chances are you're not banking a whole lot, far less than your female counterparts. If you want to support yourself, you're going to have to do gay porn. At this point, guys who are really enthusiastic about getting paid to fuck chicks start to reconsider the profession.
There are plenty of other reasons -- the lack of job stability and benefits, the difficulty in getting nice non-porn chicks to date you, the myriad antibiotic resistant diseases you'll no doubt encounter. The big deal breaker for me is porn's present day ubiquity and permanence. You would think that now porn is mainstream and any one video is ephemera, far easier to drift from your consciousness than Debbie does Dallas, that doing a porn flick or two wouldn't attract any attention. Again, I beg to differ. Since everyone watches porn, and since it is so much easier to get access to the stuff now, not to mention that it being on the Internet means it will be around forever, that means that 10 years from now the parents of your students will lobby to get your ass fired for your youthful discretion.
If you want to do porn it seems you have to be fully committed to it, despite the above setbacks. All that is assuming that you are able to. You might not be even able to make it onto the set.
Would you be happy with a 14 inch penis? Lord no! Again, the default guy answer seems to be the affirmative. If you're thinking this is a good idea, allow me to talk you out of it. If you're packing 6-8 inches you're doing fine. There's no reason to think you need more. If your dick is less than 6 inches, you have options. Be smart. Be rich. Be funny. Be an all around interesting cat. Be about her. Learn to eat pussy. Open your relationship; let her do other guys as long as she comes back to you; this will reward you in the long run. All of these options are preferable over having a 14 inch penis.
One of the very first things I learned about John Holmes, the legendary cocksman, is that he rarely achieved a full erection. After it got to a certain point, his erection would pain him. I don't know if that applies to all dicks beyond a certain size, but that was enough for me to be happy with what I got.
And listen guys, I don't care what you heard, most girls don't like mondo gigantic cocks. Whip out a 14 inch dong and you're guaranteed to get the girl screaming and scrambling to get away. The only women you could do are, well, porn starlets. Even that I find doubtful. My theory is that if you cut off the cameras, and allowed the persona to dissolve, and ask them as people and not as the objects of people's fantasies, the vast majority of those women wouldn't go near a dick that big unless they were paid to.
Maybe I'm wrong. Women, that is if I have other female readers, weigh in. What do you think? am I wrong? Is 14 inch NOT too freakishly big? Also, would you date a male porn star? If so, would there be any conditions? Would a guy with a porn past affect the nature of your relationship?
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