Friday, April 10, 2009

Italian Porn Disagrees With Me and I With It


A word about Italian porn. I had a random memory the other day and it still fills me horror and disgust. Truly, truly Ugly Girl Porn. In a bad way.

I was in Italy a few years ago and picked up a local skin mag because this is how I connect with the international community. Mistake.

The girls, oh the girls. How can I explain the girls? The only way I would ever have sex with any of the women in this particular magazine is if I was already infected with every STD known to man, didn't have any feeling in my penis or most of my body for that matter, and I was guaranteed to have no recollection of what went down right after it was all over.

Skank is not a word I throw around lightly. These girls were beyond skank. I mean very bottom of the an old scum-coated barrel. Every woman in this magazine looked like they were straight out of the 80's: big hair, cheap chunky jewelry, Vanessa Del Rio pumps. That entire section from the bellybutton down to the knees looked to be under attack from some rare strain of jungle rash. Ragged pussy lips abound. Almost everyone looked like they needed a penicillin shot or twelve.

The worst part is that I'm already in a bathroom with my pants around my ankles when I make this discovery. I can't be bother with getting back up and looking for a new magazine, so I make an effort to find at least one acceptable girl. With some effort I find her. Boy-Girl scene. Semi-attractive. Looks relatively clean. Promising. I manage to get a decent stroke going.

I'm flipping through the pages and something doesn't look right. I count. One. Two. That can't be right. I count again. One. Two. Yup. There are two sets of testicles. And there's another penis right there. I didn't know this was a DP. Where's the other guy?

Oh...Dear...God!

Never again. No Italian porn. I even swore off Rocco Siffredi videos just to be on the safe side.

I've asked around and many of my friends have had the same experience.

There's something to be said when the most attractive woman in your magazine is a man. And who mixes tranny and straight porn anyway?

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