Neckties For Reptiles!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Porn Star Haiku: Cody Lane

I want to ride you;

Test your sex drive. Won't you let

Me get in your lane?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

BBW I Love Love Love #7: Tiffany Blake

This girl is getting it IN right now. And thank God for that, because I can't get enough of her. Even if I wasn't into BBWs, I would certainly be into Tiffany Blake. Look at that face. Fun Lay is written all over it. I bet she's the same exciting romp in the sheets in real life as she is on my computer screen.

I fantasize about her while watching her fuck. I fantasize about weird shit like dropping acid with her in the middle of the day and hanging out in a graveyard, or going out for pupusas in hole in a wall joints in Spanish Town, or laying around at the park all day drinking mimosas, or sitting around a bonfire talking about God and Elliott Smith lyrics.

Of course, all that's fantasy. The real Tiffany Blake might not be into any of those things. I'm more likely to just fuck her.

Tiffany Blake: She's blazing. I hope she never burns out.

The Chyna Timeline

1990: I find out that wrestling is fake. I stop watching. I discover cynicism.

1991: I discover the wonders of masturbation. Porn obsession soon follows.

1997: I discover irony. I start watching wrestling again. My friends and I discover Chyna. We are convinced that she's a man.

2000: Chyna gets hella plastic surgery. We're not fooled. "She's a man."

Fall 2000: Chyna poses nude for Playboy. The issue gets passed around. No one admits to jerking off to it. Full Disclosure: I didn't; she looked too much like a man.

2004: A Night in China is released in typical sex tape fashion. Morbidly interested. Unable to find a single favorable review. I lose interest and spend the next 7 years thinking Chyna either has a small penis or an unusually large clitoris.

2011: Oddly interested in Backdoor to Chyna. The stills are alluring. Chyna doesn't look half bad.

The Next Day: Acquired Backdoor to Chyna. Rubbed one out. Felt something approaching post-stroke shame for the first time in years.

27 Minutes Later: Watched it again. Recommenced stroke session. Markedly less shame this time.

What can you do, right?