An Interview With Jeanna Fine

Found this while surfing on the Inter-tron. It was posted in 2008. The interview was held in 2005. If my math is correct, her son is approaching the age of majority. Doing the Good Mom Thing should no longer be an excuse. Push baby bird from the nest and let's make some Milf Porn!

Porn Star Haiku: Faith Leon

I truly wish you were
The Girl Next Door. I could
Reach out and touch Faith.

Holy Grail Found in Camelot

Back when I was an impressionable youth, on the cusp of pubescence, my taste in women took the less beaten path, where it is today. Instead of adoring the sun-tanned California blonde of the late eighties, I would spend a significant amount of time lusting in my heart and loins for the alterna-goddess.

You know the type of girl. Pale as moon. Wore Grandpa's browlines, grandma's sundress. A second hand cardigan that was either too big or too small. A pearl necklace she would claim to be ironic but deep in her heart she loved dearly. chunky shoes. Cassettes littered the floor of her beat-up Volvo. 10,000 Maniacs, Throwing Muses, Tallulah Blue, The Smiths, The Pogues. We'd take spontaneous road trips to nondescript Midwestern towns to pick wildflowers, take in the local color, and check out some local band in the basement of someone we'd just met earlier downtown.

The televised embodiment of such a girl was MTV's Kennedy. I can't remember ever watching Alternative Nation and not wishing at one point that her clothes would fall off, even when she wasn't onscreen.

But this is a solid decade and some change before Suicide Girls and the like. Your chances of seeing that kind of girl in the nude was slim and none. Better acquire a taste for California blondes.

Right when I first started using the internet, way back in the AOL days, I heard rumors of her nude pics. I searched furiously. It quickly became a Holy Grail.

And this morning in a quite anti-climatic manner, I found it in literally seconds on Google Images. It was buried under completely irrelevant shit, and gay porn (perhaps I couldn't find it before because I didn't want to wade through that).

They're, um, quite tasteful.

So yeah, I guess all I have left is a desire to see Janeane Garofalo and her new trout lips in a blowbang.

I dunno. This looks shopped.

Next Week I Get To Pick What We Do - Porn!

One of my favorite blog-related activities is looking up the keywords that lead people to me. There's always a few that make me smile, wince, or just scratch my head.

There's the reader who surfed in looking for " a dick less than 6 inches."

Or those curious about Morgan Layne's IQ.

There's the one guy who typed "google" into Google and somehow found Neckties For Reptiles. Head scratcher for sure.

There's even a guy who googled "cum shot haiku." I was extremely curious about this one. Is there someone out there in the blogonet writing cum shot themed haiku? I checked. No, there isn't. I felt as let down as our prospective surfer. I felt I should fill the void, if only briefly.

My favorite this time around and winner of The Most Puzzling Query Award goes to the gentleman who typed "Next Week I Get To Pick What We Do - Porn!" and found me. I can only guess what was going on in your head, but I won't because I'm sure it'll blow my mind

More Shoes On Black Dudes

I still don't get it. Why do black guys keep their shoes on? Does this happen in real life?

Any theories?

Porn Star Haiku: Ivy Ryder

I don't care what
Others say. You look like
A young Britney O'Connell

OK, I Want A Paula Marshall XXXmas Too

As I make my way through season one of Veronica Mars, I find myself running into actresses I desparately wanted to bang out ten years ago. The impossibility of that dream was deferred for the slightly less impossibility of seeing said actress in porn. My consolation is the hope for a convincing Lisa Rinna lookalike who is into interracial gangbang and who looks ravishing with cum dripping off her bee-stung lips.

Coming across Paula Marshall has reminded me of another, albeit a further diluted possibility: see them naked. Do you remember Paula Marshall? She was the only reason I watched Snoops. She was also the only reason I watch Cupid. I suspect she's responisible for the ratings of more shitty shows than anyone else. IMDB confirms my hunch. She's been in 6 shows in eight years, all of them canceled in less than a season.

You would think a track record and a face like that would drive a woman to porn, but she soldiers on.

But I get my wish, sort of.

She was in a sex scene with David Duchovny in an episode of Californication.

I found out it while I was reseaching. I would rush to get it, but it's a sex scene with David Duchovny. Ew.

I think I'll go back to watching Veronica Mars and guessing who'll be the next actress to pop up from my past.