Porn Star Haiku: Savannah Stern

Savannah's retiring.
Not that one. That would be
Weird. Zombie Porn!

Porn Star Haiku: Eve Laurence

The snake that slithers
Below wants to take a bite
Out of Eve's apple.

Porn Star Haiku: Flower Tucci

What unfathomable
Bliss it is to kiss
Flower Tucci's tokhes.

Gina DePalma: Sex Incarnate

It has come to my attention that I haven't written about Ugly Girl Porn in some time. Perhaps it's because I'm understandably hesitant to call anyone I stroke to ugly. That's both women-hating and self loathing. I can't afford that kind of therapy.

So for the sake of Neckties for Reptiles I enlisted the help of female friend to skim through my hard drive and pick out the next Ugly Girl for your pleasure.

(NOTE: Ladies, if you spend an hour going through a ludicrous amount of porn with your guy friend and he doesn't make a pass at you, it doesn't mean he's gay. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to fuck you. Maybe it means he truly values your friendship. Or perhaps he doing some SERIOUS research. Just saying, Lyndsey.)

She was quick to pick Gina DePalma. And by "quick to pick" I mean after the hour it took to get down to G. Repulsed. She was repulsed by DePalma.

"Is this the type of girl you're into?"

Outwardly, I shrugged noncommittally.

Inwardly, I recalled the times I've stroked to her. It's an absurd number.

So good readers. I give you Gina DePalma. What she lacks in looks she more than abundantly makes up for in sex appeal and passion. The woman sweats lust. I'm getting hot and bothered just writing about her.

I would highly recommend her scene at Exploited Moms (Who've provided a disproportionate share of Ugly Girl Porn), but that site is a hot mess. It's not in the previews and probably not even in the member's section. Cop the torrent. Or depositfiles.

Porn Star Haiku: Lanny Barbie

Four words comprising
The hot new acronym:
Canuck I'd Like to Fuck.

BBW I Love Love Love #2: Brandy Ryder

This BBW has occupied much of my porn viewing time as of late. I would love to thank the good folks over at Sensational Video for bringing this vivacious beauty to my attention.

And boy, she has put in work!

She's done a couple scenes for both BBWs Gone Black and BBW Dream that quite literally had me gasping air while futily trying to keep my toes uncurled.

Brandy Ryder, I love love you you and hope to see more of you.

An Interview With Jeanna Fine

Found this while surfing on the Inter-tron. It was posted in 2008. The interview was held in 2005. If my math is correct, her son is approaching the age of majority. Doing the Good Mom Thing should no longer be an excuse. Push baby bird from the nest and let's make some Milf Porn!

Porn Star Haiku: Faith Leon

I truly wish you were
The Girl Next Door. I could
Reach out and touch Faith.

Holy Grail Found in Camelot

Back when I was an impressionable youth, on the cusp of pubescence, my taste in women took the less beaten path, where it is today. Instead of adoring the sun-tanned California blonde of the late eighties, I would spend a significant amount of time lusting in my heart and loins for the alterna-goddess.

You know the type of girl. Pale as moon. Wore Grandpa's browlines, grandma's sundress. A second hand cardigan that was either too big or too small. A pearl necklace she would claim to be ironic but deep in her heart she loved dearly. chunky shoes. Cassettes littered the floor of her beat-up Volvo. 10,000 Maniacs, Throwing Muses, Tallulah Blue, The Smiths, The Pogues. We'd take spontaneous road trips to nondescript Midwestern towns to pick wildflowers, take in the local color, and check out some local band in the basement of someone we'd just met earlier downtown.

The televised embodiment of such a girl was MTV's Kennedy. I can't remember ever watching Alternative Nation and not wishing at one point that her clothes would fall off, even when she wasn't onscreen.

But this is a solid decade and some change before Suicide Girls and the like. Your chances of seeing that kind of girl in the nude was slim and none. Better acquire a taste for California blondes.

Right when I first started using the internet, way back in the AOL days, I heard rumors of her nude pics. I searched furiously. It quickly became a Holy Grail.

And this morning in a quite anti-climatic manner, I found it in literally seconds on Google Images. It was buried under completely irrelevant shit, and gay porn (perhaps I couldn't find it before because I didn't want to wade through that).

They're, um, quite tasteful.

So yeah, I guess all I have left is a desire to see Janeane Garofalo and her new trout lips in a blowbang.

I dunno. This looks shopped.

Next Week I Get To Pick What We Do - Porn!

One of my favorite blog-related activities is looking up the keywords that lead people to me. There's always a few that make me smile, wince, or just scratch my head.

There's the reader who surfed in looking for " a dick less than 6 inches."

Or those curious about Morgan Layne's IQ.

There's the one guy who typed "google" into Google and somehow found Neckties For Reptiles. Head scratcher for sure.

There's even a guy who googled "cum shot haiku." I was extremely curious about this one. Is there someone out there in the blogonet writing cum shot themed haiku? I checked. No, there isn't. I felt as let down as our prospective surfer. I felt I should fill the void, if only briefly.

My favorite this time around and winner of The Most Puzzling Query Award goes to the gentleman who typed "Next Week I Get To Pick What We Do - Porn!" and found me. I can only guess what was going on in your head, but I won't because I'm sure it'll blow my mind

More Shoes On Black Dudes

I still don't get it. Why do black guys keep their shoes on? Does this happen in real life?

Any theories?