Porn Star Haiku: Ava Devine

Do what you do.

Even with the huge boobs reduced,

Sparks, cum, spit still fly.

Make Love Not Porn

I was 25 before it was brought to my attention that some, no, most women don't like getting cummed on. It had been my thing for quite a few years to ask right, when the moment was right, where she wanted me to cum. Most wanted it on the stomach. Some wanted it on their ass. Still others, the keepers, let me jizz on their face.

One night, while wiping off her breasts, my girlfriend at the time quietly said she didn't like it. Like what, I asked. When you cum on me, she said in an even quieter voice. Why did you let me do it then? It's not like I surprised you. I did ask.

I spent that month calling exes and flings. An unscientific poll was conducted. The majority preferred I had kept my fluids to myself. When asked why they'd allowed it, they all answered the same way as sweet, quiet June: it made me happy.

And why did creaming on girls make me happy? Well, a lifetime of porn led me to believe it's what girls like. Oh, the vicious cycle!

There's a site on the internets that spells out more of these Real World/Porn World splits. It's called Make Love Not Porn. I like it. Dear Reader, you should too.

A Lazy Man's Interview of Candace Moon.

Someday, someday I've told myself, I'll interview some porn starlets. These days I got so much going on, I could barely update this blog regularly much less conduct an interview. Accidentally, this week I stumbled on a

novel way to essentially get interview results with none of the effort.

Formspring is an intriguing little website where an a account holder gets to field questions from anonymous strangers. I had the pleasure of meeting the lovely Candace Moon, the vivacious BBW porn starlet, via Twitter. She pointed me toward her formspring. I beheld and awed at the questions being lobbed at her.

Yes, they were exactly the kind of questions you would expect anonymous strangers to pose a porn actress:

Would you let me fuck you? 100% Sperm for you!;

Do you feel like fucking right now?

Where would you like my cock most?

Do you like to fondle balls?

What would you do with my cock?

How many men you think have left their cum in your ass?

Can I lick your pussy?

Can I stick my cock inside you? Yes?

Do you know how much I want to fuck you?

Would you ever fuck a fan?

What's you're mobile number?

Where do you live?

Do you do escort meets?

What size is your clit?

Would you add me as a friend if you could see my naked pics?

Do you want to join my birthday gang bang?

I'm thinking "Doesn't all that get tiring, sister?" I would imagine it getting old after a while. I saw this as a chance to change things up for her, make it less monotonous and at the same time get one of those "Earnest Look" interviews I keep talking about wanting to do. The following took place over the course of two days through my phone while waiting for the train, in between classes, and while in line for coffee.

Oruba Stone : It's 8 am. You desparately need coffee. To your horror you find you're out of filters. What do you do?

Candace Moon : Cry, and then use a paper towel as a filter

OS : What is your very very first memory?

CM : When i was very little we had a farm, and my first memory is feeding one of the cows we had, her name was Beulah, i remember feeding her caramels, she loved them

OS : Righty or lefty?

CM : simple, random fact, I like it...righty :D

OS : Leno or Conan?

CM : neither, I hate that trash tv

OS : Who do you like performing with?

CM : My husband

OS : Turn ons?

CM : girls with big tits and nice asses. guys with good personalities and a nice cock

OS : Turn offs?

CM : pushy men, body odor, bad breath

OS : What's your favorite John Hughes movie?

CM : who is John Hughes?

OS : What is the most attractive quality a man could have?

CM : A funny personality, and a good attitude

OS : Do you have any obscure or random hobbies?

CM : Yes, I knit and crochet, and I make jewelry

OS : Who's your favorite New Kid on the Block and why?

CM : I don't enjoy the new kids on the block, never did never will. Is it one of the Wahlberg brothers that is an actor? I like him. lol

OS : How many members of the Wu Tang Clan can you name?

CM : What is a wu tang clan? You kids and your crazy language LOL

OS : What is your favorite Corey Haim movie? You know who he is.

CM : I do. The Lost Boys

OS : What mainstream Hollywood actor would you love to do a scene with?

CM : hehe ummm Gerard Butler maybe

OS : Any advice for a young BBW just starting out in porn?

CM : Read every single contract that you sign, and don't trust anyone LOL

OS : Which BBW porn starlet do you most admire?

CM : Geez, I admire so many. Fatty D, for sure, MissMinnabbw the list goes on and on...

OS : Which do you prefer on a guy, boxers or briefs?

CM : Briefs definitely

OS : Any particular goals for 2010?

CM : Yes, to fuck a friend of mine the next time I see him ;)

OS : Who would you love to work with, male and female?

CM : Mark Davis, and Katja Kassin

OS : Who is your favorite male co-star?

CM : Mark Davis, hands down

OS : How long do you foresee yourself continuing in the adult entertainment industry?

CM : in some form, until I'm dead

OS : If you only pick one: a life with only kisses and no sex, or all sex and no kissing, which would you choose and why?

CM : as much as i love kissing..i would have to say all sex and no kissing. Why? Do i really need to explain why...

OS : Describe the perfect day (not really a question, I know).

CM : hmm Coffee in the morning, a diner for breakfast brunch, a long walk in a beautiful park. A movie and ice cream in bed, what can I say...I'm a simple girl

OS : Who in the Industry do you consider a role model/hero?

CM : Belladonna, because she does her own thing no matter what anyone says, and Fatty D because she's a curvy girl and so gorgeous!

OS : How many stars can you name?

CM : Porn Stars?

OS : If you could be another starlet who would it and why?

CM : I would never be another starlet. Nuh uh

OS : What was the last thing that took your breath away?

CM : My hitachi

OS: Elvis or Beatles?

CM : Elvis

OS : What country would you like to visit right this second?

CM : Italy

OS : What does love feel like to you? I hope this isn't too personal.

CM : Love feels like everything.

OS : Are you happy?

CM : Insanely.

Also, I really wish I wrote this beauty but I can't take credit for it:

Some people are only here to collect property. I am here with my suitcase to collect only the good brains!! I am an alien from the other world, from outer space, I don't have no land, no estate, no property, no house. Not on this earth. I live in space.

I love the Internet!

You could ask Ms. Candace Moon questions here.

Ginormous Cock Sparks Existential Discussion

Earlier this week, The Daily Show aired a high-larious segment about a man with a peculiar problem:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Jonah Falcon Needs a Job
http://www.thedailyshow.com/
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

Samantha Bee : You were born with a thirteen and a half inch penis and your last name is Falcon. You were born to make porn!

It seems that young Jonah Falcon is unemployed, lives at home with his mom, and has no prospects. But he as a gift. Jonah Falcon has a 13 and a half inch penis. This is a gift, however, he refuses to capitalize on, much to the disbelief of Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee.

Two related questions come to mind. Please weigh in. I assume, aside from the delightful Alison Hart, the overwhelming majority of you readers are male.

1. Would you do porn if you could?

2. Would you be happy with a 14 inch penis?

Would you do porn if you could? I know it seems that the default guy answer is not just "Yes!" but "Hellz yes!" But I beg to differ. I think if shown the realities of men in porn, many guys wouldn't opt for the life. I personally wouldn't do porn. Unless your name is Rocco, Pete, or Lex, chances are you're not banking a whole lot, far less than your female counterparts. If you want to support yourself, you're going to have to do gay porn. At this point, guys who are really enthusiastic about getting paid to fuck chicks start to reconsider the profession.

There are plenty of other reasons -- the lack of job stability and benefits, the difficulty in getting nice non-porn chicks to date you, the myriad antibiotic resistant diseases you'll no doubt encounter. The big deal breaker for me is porn's present day ubiquity and permanence. You would think that now porn is mainstream and any one video is ephemera, far easier to drift from your consciousness than Debbie does Dallas, that doing a porn flick or two wouldn't attract any attention. Again, I beg to differ. Since everyone watches porn, and since it is so much easier to get access to the stuff now, not to mention that it being on the Internet means it will be around forever, that means that 10 years from now the parents of your students will lobby to get your ass fired for your youthful discretion.

If you want to do porn it seems you have to be fully committed to it, despite the above setbacks. All that is assuming that you are able to. You might not be even able to make it onto the set.

Would you be happy with a 14 inch penis? Lord no! Again, the default guy answer seems to be the affirmative. If you're thinking this is a good idea, allow me to talk you out of it. If you're packing 6-8 inches you're doing fine. There's no reason to think you need more. If your dick is less than 6 inches, you have options. Be smart. Be rich. Be funny. Be an all around interesting cat. Be about her. Learn to eat pussy. Open your relationship; let her do other guys as long as she comes back to you; this will reward you in the long run. All of these options are preferable over having a 14 inch penis.

One of the very first things I learned about John Holmes, the legendary cocksman, is that he rarely achieved a full erection. After it got to a certain point, his erection would pain him. I don't know if that applies to all dicks beyond a certain size, but that was enough for me to be happy with what I got.

And listen guys, I don't care what you heard, most girls don't like mondo gigantic cocks. Whip out a 14 inch dong and you're guaranteed to get the girl screaming and scrambling to get away. The only women you could do are, well, porn starlets. Even that I find doubtful. My theory is that if you cut off the cameras, and allowed the persona to dissolve, and ask them as people and not as the objects of people's fantasies, the vast majority of those women wouldn't go near a dick that big unless they were paid to.

Maybe I'm wrong. Women, that is if I have other female readers, weigh in. What do you think? am I wrong? Is 14 inch NOT too freakishly big? Also, would you date a male porn star? If so, would there be any conditions? Would a guy with a porn past affect the nature of your relationship?

Remembrance of Porns Past

Some time in the past decade (about two or three weeks ago), I found myself in a diner in Williamsburg, the Aughts' epicenter of hipster. Never mind what I was doing there. Not important. While in the bathroom stall I looked up and saw scrawled on the wall an advert for Burning Angel.

Usually a sign like that would send me into a Proustian voyage of memory that would lead into extraordinary hours of viewing Burning Angel's archives. But I was already there weeks before, the trigger being a sweet little thing with an asymmetrical haircut, non-sequitur tattoos, funky wardrobe, and telltale orthodontia betraying a suburban upbringing. Yes, the reason I've been spending time in Williamsburg. Whenever she's away, I've been consoling myself with my extensive Burning Angel collection.

So what came to mind in that stall was not the recent video backlog, but something from way back. Way back in 2003 before the site became all about Joanna Angel. I thought about Ash. Sweet sweet Ash and her bottle of vodka. The first and only time I've signed up for a site from a single picture set. It took several girls' pic set, including one from a girl I knew personally, to get me to pay for Suicide Girls later that year. But it was Ash alone who got me digging for my wallet and later digging into my pants.

As much as I avoid solo sets, and prefer video to pictures, Ash put me in a happy place. I have, however, been unable to find her in anything else. The years have gone by. My subscription lapsed. The pics on my laptop disappeared with computer upgrades, crashes, accidental deletions. But I find myself remember her vividly at all the right times. Like this one.

Where have you gone, Ash?

Scramble Porn In 5 Easy Steps!

Are you like me, friend? Did your adolescence frustratingly end before broadband and effortless access to porn? Did you spend an embarrassing amount of your formative years watching Scramble Porn? I bet you're glad those days are over. But, do you find yourself, strangely enough, missing them?

I do.

If you do too, then you're in luck, friend. I've stumbled onto a simple way replicate that Scramble Porn Look right on your laptop. In a few short steps it'll be like you're 13 again.

1. I use VLC media player 1.0.1. If you have a way of doing this on other players, please feel free to share your method in the comments. First, open your video. For the sake of pornstalgia, I have selected a scene from Hard Evidence starring Jeanna Fine.

2. Click TOOLS. Then EFFECTS AND FILTERS

3. Click the VIDEO EFFECTS tab, then the IMAGE MODIFICATION tab.

4. You will see on the bottom a choice of check boxes. Checking WAVES will reproduce that squiggle we love so much. You could get a more authentic squiggle by checking WATER EFFECTS. This, however, decreases the contrast once the color's inverted, so this option is for the truly masochistic. Additionally, checking NOISE will add static, but again this will increase the squint factor. Whatever works for you. My eyes are bad as it is so I just choose WAVES.


5. And finally, the coup de grâce. Click on the COLOR FUN tab and then INVERT COLORS box. and voila! Scramble Porn.


Now you're ready to go. If you truly want to recreate that experience from oh so long ago, you could simulate your mother knocking on your door (the anxiety makes it work that much more).

Nothing beats a inverse cum shot!

Porn Star Haiku: Amber Peach

She's a bit fat, and
no beauty. But she sure has
one meaty pussy.

(paraphrasing Wheelster, clearly a connoisseur of womenfolks).
(for the record, I disagree. I think Ms. Peach is quite lovely).
(her pussy is pretty meaty though).