Neckties For Reptiles!

Downton Labia Needs To Be Made: An Open Letter To Someone Special

2012-01-08T17:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Producers of Quality Porn Parodies and/or Period Piece Porn (Including, but not limited to, Nica Noelle),

I am writing to draw your attention to a show that is ripe for the porn parody treatment.

Imagine a period piece set in Edwardian England, nestled between that foreboding time between the sinking of the Titantic and the First World War.

Imagine a palatial estate, lush grounds, class conflict, and sexual tension.

Imagine gentility. And the costumes. And the sexual tension. There’s a lot of it.

Imagine this is a real show. Because it is.

Imagine this show has an average viewership of 10 million folks after only one season. Because it does.

Imagine there’s already an audience for Victorian/Edwardian Porn. Because there is.

Yes, I’m talking about Downton Abbey. And yes, you have to porn parody it. Because I, and at least one other person would pay to see it.

I've spent the time writing this, imagining that sexual tension being penetrated every 20-30 minutes.

We’ve already done most of the the hard work, figuring out who will play whom. Kimberly Kane could be Anna Smith. We could bring Sasha Grey out of retirement to play Lady Mary. James Deen, who's like the Seth Rogan of porn, could be William Mason the footman. Mark Davis will play John Bates the valet. And Evan Stone is perfect as the paterfamilias, Robert Crawley.

Oh. and imagine the title: Downton Labia.

This must be done, and you must do it.

Optimistically and Warmly,

Oruba Stone

Questions About Calco Boycs

2012-01-08T09:13:00.000-08:00

Who is Calco Boycs? I'm sure anyone with the time for exploration and the patience for decryption can find out. He's on Twitter after all. A tightly written—though with a hint of English-As-A-Second-Language—portrait on Blogspot provides:

Calco Boycs is a swiss born descend from an illustrious french huguenot family with celtic roots. He was educated at Paris-Sorbonne and the Zurich University of the Arts and worked long years as commercial photographer and graphic designer.Bored from fame and success he decided to make a clean sweep. Two years ago he quit his job and left his hometown from one day to another to start anew. Since then he lives under a pseudonym in a remote mountain valley in Provence, France near the Mount Ventoux. Not even his best friends know the exact address.

Yeah. Still an enigma.

A better question is What is Calco Boycs? Simply, he makes stunning porn art. Like these:

Which leads you to ask, Why? Who knows? But I, for one, am grateful.

A question for myself: How did you get into Calco Boycs?

I don't know. His site magically appeared on my bookmarks a few days ago. I don't know how it got there. Should I be alarmed?

Last question: Does Calco Boycs think porn is art?

Clearly, yes.

Peruse Calco Boycs' porn art for yourself here.

Where Oruba Watches Feminist Porn and the Like: Day #3: My Daughter's Boyfriend

2012-01-07T09:24:00.000-08:00

Now that I've given couples/feminist/plot-driven/women-directed porn an exclusive go, it looks like James Deen is in every movie I watch. I'm not complaining; dude is good at what he does. This is a curious development though. Maybe this is why women love him so much.

This next film comes from director Nica Noelle. My Daughter's Boyfriend is the tale of the seduction of an older woman.

Melissa Monet, whose intriguing bio I just read and you should too, plays that older woman. She just moved to a new place with her family. Though she has a loving and lustful husband, she is unsure of herself, unsure of her sexuality, unsure of her place.

James Deen plays the titular daughter's boyfriend. He dates and fucks Trinity Post, who made me forget she's not an 18 year old nursing student but a porn star about my age, while Mom listens and masturbates in the next room. Mom Melissa Monet lusts after James Deen. But she doesn't think James finds her attractive.

She's wrong.

Things I like:

Kissing. Lots of kissing. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm a sucker for kissing in porn. You don't get nearly enough of it in hardcore porn.
James Deen. I'll be honest; there aren't many male porn stars I would follow. But James Deen is easily in the Top Three. I'm not a fan of the rape-y stuff, still I am approaching the fandom of an 18 year old girl.
The plot, though substantial, doesn't weigh down the sex scenes. In fact, knowing the characters' motivations adds a dimiension to the sex. I almost feel that's what had been missing from nearly ten years of exclusively watching gonzo.
Cumshots don't end scenes. Sex In Real Life keeps going after male orgasm, or at least it does with me. Why should porn be any different? Seeing couples continue after dude spews is refreshing to watch and validates my bedroom experiences.

Things I don't like:

The fucking soft focus and neutral color palate. I truly believe that this genre would be immensely more popular if it didn't resemble a Lifetime movie. Please don't tell me this is what women actually like.

Overall, a pleasurable experience. I wouldn't hesitate to watch it again.You can watch My Daughter's Boyfriend here.

Where Oruba Watches Feminist Porn and the Like: Day #1: Open Invitation

2012-01-04T23:01:00.000-08:00

The New Year has come. I only have one resolution. I want to switch up my porn viewing habits. Just for a month. Just to shake things up. It's bugging me that so much of what I stroke to is In-Your-Face degrading for the women involved. I resolve to evolve upwards and watch sex flicks that are different from so much of what is considered hardcore.

January 1st, I began watching sex positive porn, couples sex, classic flicks, feminist porn, etc.

This is a brand new world. Where to start?

The Good For Her Feminist Porn Awards have been celebrating feminist-friendly porn since 2006. I plucked out this daring mission statement from their website:

We believe the world is inundated with cheesy, cliche, degrading, and patronizing porn. But we also believe that erotic fantasy is powerful, and that women and marginalized communities deserve to put their dreams and desires on film, too. As feminists and sex-positive people, we want to showcase and honour those who are creating erotic media with a feminist sensibility.

In order to be considered a sex flick must pass the following criteria:

1) A woman had a hand in the production, writing, direction, etc. of the work.
2) It depicts genuine female pleasure
3) It expands the boundaries of sexual representation on film and challenges stereotypes that are often found in mainstream porn.

Seems as good a place to start as any.

Beeline to Sexiest Straight Movie category. I'm not ready, I probably never will be ready for Most Tantalizing Trans Film.

This year's winner is An Open Invitation: A Real Swinger's Party in San Francisco. Works out; I've been meaning to see this for a while. Someone brought it up during my tour of the Armory this summer. Open Invitation is a plotty couples flick that ends in a sweltering orgy in the top floor of the SF's Armory¹.

Now, I've been easing into plot-centric flicks since I got stoned and watched Sister Wives. Open Invitation does not disappoint. India Summer and James Deen are the Blooms, a pair of young professionals. To the world, they're the picture of a happy young couple, but the spark has gone from the bedroom. They meet the Angels who introduce them to a whole new brave world of swinging.

I kushed up and watched the whole flick. I think that's gonna be a thing for me.

I have to say, I was surprised to see this on the list of films lauded by feminists. Many of these porn stars are in the same films I'm distancing myself from this month. I've seen James Deen get downright rape-y in some flicks, many of them from Kink.com. But whatevs; I watch.

Content-wise, Open Invitation, has many of the same porn tropes I thought I was gonna be leaving behind for the month of January. There are still facials. Quite a few actually.

But . . .

There's a lot of intimacy. Not just sex, but actual, (or metaphorical) closeness. The Blooms and the Angels seem like actual couples, not individuals who just met each other a few hours before.

There's no name calling. No one's called a bitch, or whore, or slut.

There's no intentional gagging. Slobber is kept at a minimum.

There's two black guys in this movie, 2/5 of the principal males, but Open Invitation is not marketed as a IR flick. None of the women demand to be fucked with "nigger cocks". Is it possible that Open Invitation does not see color?

And it was pleasure to stroke. A great flick to watch. I found myself drawn in. The artistry is simply gorgeous. You just had to stop sometimes and just take it in. Directer Ilana Rothman paints such vivid scenes, I found myself, partway wanting to watch her other films.

Good first flick. If they're all like this, I just might extend this for another month.

Remember, I'm taking a movie or website suggestions. Please leave them in the comments.

1. I watch the film. I was there. I walked that floor. Touched that table. A masked stranger will get fucked here. I will watch it. I smell sex heavy in the air. I want nothing more, nothing more, than to be there then instead of here during this R rated daylight hour tour.)

BBW I Love Love Love #10: Claudia Marie

2011-12-28T18:24:00.000-08:00

I don't know exactly how I came upon the wondrous and boob-ponderous Claudia Marie. Wasn't too long ago. Maybe 2 or 3 years ago. I wish I'd discover her sooner.

This self-proclaimed "Big tit whore" will always be a hit with me. Maybe — and excuse the momentary flare up of classism — it's the the right touch of white trash. Maybe it's beaming Southern Charm. That extra large smile. That bigger than life personality that draws you in like a vortex.

Or, maybe it's her bigger than life breasts.

I don't know what it is, but even when I'm not looking to stroke, something drags me back to Claudia-Marie.

I will keep letting that something drag me back. Claudia-Marie has never disappointed.

She is also a BBW I Love because she's a songbird

BBW I Love Love Love #9: Mercy 44FF

2011-12-26T19:30:00.000-08:00

In what seemed like an eternity ago, I found myself, in my porn viewing habits, purposely seeking out older, busted, and often chubby women.

That disposition led me to a site I still frequent today: Exploited Moms.

To be clear the women aren't what I've been calling "Ugly Girl Porn." UGP are girls I truly find attractive but who'd fail to pass in the hyper critical eye of society at large. The women who were on EM back in 2004 were for the most part were of the dried up crackhead type¹. (though you wouldn't be able to tell from a perusal of their non-member page -- or, from what I hear, their actual site, -- they have since acquired stellar scenes from the likes of Carrie Ann, and Bobby Lennox².)

And that's where Mercy stood apart. I mean, she was as busted as the rest of EM's early stable. But you could tell she had something special inside. I can't watch her other stuff, and I don't have much interest in the stuff on her own porn site. But I do love her. My entire love of Mercy comes from her EM scene.

Is it because the super-human Wesley Pipes' puts in the most skillful, downright filthiest performance of his career? Is it because of Mercy's inner specialness, which, if you did a little digging, would discover makes her the kind of girl who's an archeologist, mainstream actress, comedian, and renaissance fair aficionado? I don't know. You tell me.

I stand corrected. There's also this spectacular scene with Byron Long

Here's an interview from 2007

Yeah, an all around singular, amazing person. I could see myself spending a lot of time with her.

1. I'm not proud of myself.
2. From personal account, as well as from the word of others, The Exploited Moms site is the height of disorganization and the last place you would look for quality porn from Exploited Moms. You couldn't tell from even a deep study of the tour pages that there are EM scenes with the likes of Shay Fox, Caroline Pierce, and Rayveness. You buy a subscription only to find that some of the scenes that enticed you aren't even on the member site. If you want a complete EM collection, your best bet is downloading from messageboards.

Porn Star Haiku: Carmen Hayes

2011-12-24T22:03:00.000-08:00

A head game that blows
Minds. So expertly slurping.
Sloppy, sexy, slow.

Porn Star Haiku: Jeanna Fine

2011-12-06T07:02:00.000-08:00

In my mind you will
Remain in your prime, a
Voracious, lusty milf.

Porn Star Haiku: Jill Kelly

2011-12-05T12:24:00.000-08:00

I'm prone to
paralysis and fits of silliness
Still 'cause of you.

Porn Star Haiku: Larkin Love

2011-12-01T05:27:00.000-08:00

One (namely, me) pines
For you. Yearns for union.
One's face (mine); your blue bush.

Porn Star Haiku: Jayma Reid

2011-11-29T23:41:00.000-08:00

A nameless grace dwells
In this beauty. A tender
Light glows from within.

Where Oruba Proposes To Start Watching Feminist Porn And The Like For The New Year

2011-11-29T12:49:00.000-08:00

Since I crawled out of adolescence and matured into the man I am today, I've been remarkably ambivalent about porn. Remarkable because I can read Catherine Mackinnon and jerk off to bukkake in the same day. I'm particularly sensitive to the objectification of women. I treat my lovers and female friends as equals, as more than the objects of one's fantasies, as whole people. Yet a quick glance at my porn library will reveal hundreds of cummed on faces, gangbangs that look uncomfortably close to rape, women getting poked with an odd assortment of objects, women getting called horrific names while being spit on, women getting passed around, thrown like rag dolls, tossed aside like yesterday's trash. How am I OK with that?

Maybe I'm not. Or, maybe I am.

It's perhaps not immediately apparent, but this blog is an attempt to expose, if not work out, that ambivalence.

I like to think of myself as a person with a strong constitution and the ability to make his actions line up with his beliefs. I was the once Heavyweight champion of smoking, going at it with vigor and poise until I was convinced it would one day killed me. I've been cigarette-free for almost 5 years. I was once an inveterate, indiscriminate, and unapologetic carnivore. These days I only eat meat 6 months out of the year and locally produced at that.

2012 will soon be upon us. On the 1st of January, I will embark on a new project. I will be locking up my usual fare and doing something new. For the entire month of January I will be watching, stroking to, and critiquing my experiences with feminist porn, sex-positive porn, couples porn, artsy porn and any kind of sex flick a guy like me should be watching that doesn't conflict with my real world sensibilities.

Here's how you, dear reader, can help. If you know a site, movie, or starlet that falls into those categories, don't be afraid to suggest it.

The suggestions are already starting to pour in. The insanely delightful Sophie Delancey has recommended Camille Carlson of Art of the Blowjob and Lily Anne Bloom of Pornographic Love.

So yeah, that's where I'll be starting in about a month.

Porn Star Haiku: Miss Bunny

2011-11-28T20:02:00.000-08:00

Henna-haired honey
Who makes my cock hop, my heart
Will miss a few beats.

BBW I Love Love Love #8: Maria Moore

2011-11-24T21:54:00.000-08:00

The year was 2003. I was on indulging in my newly discovered BBW interest. I was surfing the nets on my newly acquired broadband tubes.

BBW was only one of the fixations I was exploring. A quick look at my Yahoo Groups will reveal a love of anime goth girls, ganguro chicks, tied up women, and well, hood rats (I'm really not proud of that).

She was just another girl with a Yahoo Group account. Like many of the other BBW models on Yahoo she posed nude but did no hardcore. As much as I wanted to see the likes of Dawn Perignon do things to a penis, I literally prayed on at least two occasions to see Maria Moore fucked on camera.

I stumbled across my wish quite quickly. She did a scene with the folks over at Bang Bros.

Aside #1: The shoot was for Mom's Anal Adventure but I'm almost positive the scene featured no anal. I could check to be sure but I want to finish writing this post. With Maria, a small diversion could be a few hours of watching porn.

Aside #2: This, I believe, was the moment it hit me that reality porn was not at all real.

At the time, it was a one time thing. She wouldn't return to sex scenes for some years. When she did, I was there waiting.

She beats even Samantha 38G as the BBWs I've loved the longest. I know in my heart, if she continues in this business for another 20 years, I will continue to watch her.

She's been through a lot recently (birth of her first child, cancer). And she's easing her way back into porn.

I'm writing because I've been thinking about our history today, and I feel the need to thank Ms. Moore for the hours of pleasure she's given me over the years. I should not and will not take that granted.

Maria Moore, I love who you are. I love what you do, and I thank you from almost literally from the bottom of my heart.

Porn Star Haiku: Jessica Jewel

2011-11-19T06:43:00.000-08:00

Porny, Jewish Milf
From Long Island before it
Was a thing. Come back.

Make Love Not Porn. The Book. The eBook, Really. Reviewed.

2011-11-14T18:47:00.000-08:00

Initially intended to be published on Amazon's Customer Reviews. Balked by the "Must Make A Purchase First" Rule

Two scenarios:

1. Porn is plentiful and easy to find.

2. Sex education, an honest conversation about sexuality for that matter, is woefully lacking in our culture.

When the two scenarios co-exist as they do, we get a generation of young people whose first, and often lasting impressions of what sex is and what a sexual encounter has to be like comes from hardcore pornography. This isn’t a slippery slope argument. This isn’t a worst case scenario Dworkin nightmare world. This is what we’re living with right now.

Cindy Gallop isn’t anti-porn (in fact, in many ways, she’s pro-porn). This isn’t like other books of the type, which attempt to demonize porn. Make Love Not Porn attempts to place what we see on our computers screens in its proper context. Gallop shows that a sex life informed only by porn is limiting at best and ultimately unfulfilling.

How does she achieve this?

She places Porn Tropes, or Myths (eg. Where Men Leave Their Leavings, The Everpresence of Saliva, The Baldness Down South, Name Calling During Sex, etc) alongside their real world counterparts and expose them for what they are: myths we don’t have to live up to.

She takes the stories of those of us affected by the way things are, features them to show that we aren’t alone in our confusion when real world sex is nothing like it is in the movies.

Here’s where I fully disclose that I’m featured in this book. I wouldn’t be if I didn’t believe in its premise and mission.

Here’s where I say this book is important and you should read it.

Here's where you can buy it.

Porn Star Haiku: Jacky Joy

2011-11-10T14:55:00.000-08:00

If nothing else I'd
Sing for you, of you and—if
I'm lucky—to you.

Porn Star Haiku: Olga Cabaeva

2011-11-08T12:39:00.000-08:00

Lady of the Eastern
Bloc, I adore you doing
It on camera.

Even More Shoes On Black Dudes

2011-11-07T16:59:00.000-08:00

I spent a few moments today transferring the porn I've accumulated over the past couple months to an external hard drive. Here's a few screen shots of the IR I had. Notice a pattern?

I have asked this question on more than one occasion: Why do black dudes keep their shoes in porn? It is so puzzling, yet still no answer. I'll keep asking. Someone has to have an answer.

You Choose: Raylene or Rayveness

2011-11-07T11:02:00.000-08:00

IF YOU COULD ONLY CHOOSE ONE, WHO WOULD YOU RATHER FUCK?

Where Oruba Gets Stoned And Watches An Entire Pornographic Film Straight Through #1

2011-11-07T08:25:00.000-08:00

We know how I watch porn. It's the same way most of you do. Press Play. Blowjob. Skip. Position One. Skip. Position Two. Skip. Doggie. Skip. Cumshot. Nap.

I don't know about you but it takes me five minutes to watch a thirty minute scene.

I partook in something herbal this week, as is my wont, and partook in something pornographic. It is strange. I've been doing both for over half my life. But it has only been in the past year and a half or so that I've been doing both together. Strange, indeed!

And like that, I become terribly interested in two things. 1. Extending the stroke session for the duration of the scene, and 2. The content, both narrative and subtextual, of whatever I'm watching.

The flick, which is always picked at random, always transforms into something intensely (if unintentionally) profound.

The movie this week, the longest I've watched this way so far, was Sister Wives XXX: A Porn Parody.

Thoughts, Observations, Ruminations.

I kind of started watching without knowing it was a parody. I've really pulled back on my TV watching, and all around pop culture acculturation recently, so I had never heard of Sister Wives. The point being . . .
. . . I was exposed to the porn parody before being exposed to the original thing. Think about that.
As much as I petition for specific acts of political porn parody, I don't actually watch much of it. I don't know if Sister Wives XXX is representative of the genre, but it's actually pretty good.
In her first sex scene, Samantha 38G wore the same shoes she did in a recent scene on her site with Angelina Castro. You see more of them here, still I'm disappointed she took off before the scene was through. The fact that I feel the need to mention them reminds me that I have to write a long overdue post on my shoe fetish (more like an intense shoe like. Actual shoe fetishists are weird).
I'm surprised at the variety of women here. How often do you see a BBW like Samantha 38G and waifs like India Summer in the same movie?
I had watched the entire movie before realizing that hot brunette I'd stroked to one and a half thimes was India Summer.
Aliysa Moore's baby and India Summer's children are played by a doll and huge cardboard cutouts respectively. It makes sense that actual freaking children can't be cast in even non-sex scenes of a porn flick (Oh dear Lord, imagine the backlash!), but it's still a bizarre sight for a dude with a headful of smoke.
Either I was retarded high or Evan Stone is actually a solid comedic actor, employing subtle nuances of voice and movement as well as quick, coy glances to the fourth wall to satirize his character without actually breaking character. Yeah, must've been retarded high.
You got to hand it to someone who can make a sex movie about how ridiculous polygamy is.
Although there seemed to be a lot of understated art direction, it looks like parodying a reality show has to be the most cost effective way to go. Following around Evan Stone and a few women in Mom Jeans can't possibly be that much more expensive than your bare bones gonzo flick. It's certainly no Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge.

Yes, I watched and stroked straight through. There were smoke breaks (rest periods, initiated for obvious reasons), but overall a exhilerating 2+ hour experience.

Porn Star Haiku: Francesca Felucci

2011-11-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

Add caption

Quiet bride to my

Lustful ecstacy, Your very

Shapes drive me mad.

Porn Star: Dana DeArmond

2011-11-03T12:19:00.001-07:00

The breathing human
Passion. The Desire. Wanting,
Not left wanting.

Porn Star Haiku: Ricki White

2011-11-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

Your orgasmic cry,
Sweet heard melodies. On your
Face, your bliss rings true.

On Taylor, Trend-Setting Trannies, and Ugly Girl Porn

2011-11-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I blogged about Milf porn actress Taylor Wane's appearance on network television. I then did the inevitable and watched a scene of hers from Mom's Cuckold 5 (lucky for me my copy has all the grossness edited out).

My Significant Other of the Moment, coincidentally also named Johanna, came in after it was over and saw it on queue. Her curiosity got to her and she watched a bit herself. She was quick to label Ms. Wane as Ugly Girl Porn.

"Oruba, that can't be what you're into. She's Frankenstein's monster. Look at her. That stretched back skin. Those wretchedly deformed fake tits. OMG. And the trout lips. the worst I've ever seen. It looks like they're running away from her face. You couldn't wait 2 hours for me to get home?"

And before I could defend myself, she hit me with a whammy:

"You put that together and you got yourself a tranny. C'mon, it looks like you masturbated to Amanda Lepore."

I find Taylor Wane beautiful but deep down, I'm afraid Johanna might be a bit right on that last count.

Compare

Personally, I think Johanna is just jealous.

NOTE: I feel a more useful analysis is not to compare the two with each other but to trace the common image they both want to portray, the porn star and the transexual, to the ur-source of plastic womanhood, the Barbie. But all that is for another day.

Where Oruba Spots A Porn Starlet On Televsion

2011-10-31T17:24:00.000-07:00

Neckties For Reptiles fan, TheTrees79 writes,

Hey Oruba,

Basic cable reality shows ain't the only place where porn stars are popping up. Check out Taylor Wane on Wipeout. I bet most everyone who saw this don't know who she is:

A quick google of the name she gave, Joanna Dutremble, will reveal an adult performer who also goes by the name, Taylor Wane.

My own personal recollection of my formative years watching porn reveals only a passing interest in the woman. She, being just another in the sea of blondes, I, already focusing my attention to brunettes like Jeanna Fine. I might have watched a movie or two of Ms. Wane. I'm not really sure.

She has returned, or maybe she never left. I dunno. I do know that I've been watching her recent scenes and have been especially drawn to her. She has aged nicely into a quality Milf. Her dick sucking technique is above par. It is a pleasure to watch her work.

I admit -- I should to be used to this by now but it's a bit surreal to see her on network TV.

And this show? I would like to believe the argument that porn is verboten because it degrades people, but then I ask what is the excuse for allowing shows like this? I tell you, if I ever saw my (hypothetical)daughter on Wipeout, I would (hypothetically)disown her.

On Race And Identity

2011-10-27T13:39:00.000-07:00

You, no doubt, know at least one of the pictured persons above. If you watch as much porn as I think you do, chances are you know the other fellow too.

One is the Leader of the Free World.

The other is a popular porn star.

They share more than you think.

A look at Justin Long's biography will show details that crop up in Obama's life story.

Both are interracial, with black fathers they never knew. Both were raised by their white mothers. Both were raised into backgrounds that could be described as more white than black.

But both are labeled by the rest as us as black.

Barack Obama isn't considered the first Interracial President.

Justin Long is ALWAYS the Black element in the standard Interracial Porn Formula.

Why is that?

The answer, if there is one, lies in America's complicated views on race and identity. It's an all or nothing mentality when it comes to skin color in this country.

What is the point, Oruba? The point is, this is what I think about to distract me when I watch Interracial Porn and the white girl onscreen demands to be fucked with that "nigger cock."

Did mention that I hate IR but watch it anyway?

Porn Star Haiku: Pinky Lee

2011-10-25T05:37:00.000-07:00

The truth is, my beauty—
This, I'll always say—Your
Beauty is the Truth.

Porn Star Haiku: Adrianna Nicole

2011-10-24T20:11:00.000-07:00

Fair maiden on my
Screen. Always loved. Forever
Pleasured, pleasuring.

Porn Star Haiku: Ms. Cleo

2011-10-23T15:59:00.000-07:00

It's my fortune to
Watch you do what you do. You
Knew that, didn't you?

Another Open Letter To Hustler Video

2011-10-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Hustler Video,

You've been watching the news. You, no doubt, know that the race for the presidency is already underway.

I don't know about you, but I look out into the current Republican field and see Porn Parody Possibility. True, Sarah Palin, your muse, has gone out of her way to not run for president. But I'm writing to tell you not to sleep on Michele Bachmann. In fact, you should bank on the number of voters who want to sleep with her.

I guarantee you, right now, someone is googling:

Michele Bachmann Sex
Michele Bachmann Naked
Michele Bachmann Porn
Michele Bachmann Porn Parody
Michele Bachmann Bat Shit Crazy Sex

And right now, those folks are coming up with disappointing results.

Supply that demand. Fill that void, so to speak. Because we both know that it's only a matter of time before Romney gets the nomination, the Tea Party loses the loonies, and Bachmann becomes irrelevant again. Make a buck before that happens. Fulfilled the desires of the patriotic while you're at it.

Who will play the Senator from Minnesota, you ask?

Lucky for you, I've already done the leg work.

I present you Lezley Zen. She has the right look. She's

the right age of MILF. Like Lisa Ann, she's an explosive performer who has the ability to literally bring us to our knees. And she looks more like Bachmann

than Lisa does to Palin.

Let's make this happen. There is an audience waiting to watch, ballot in an hand, pants around ankles. Like Who's Naylin Paylin, You could make history again. Let's make this happen.

Best Wishes,

Oruba Stone

Porn Star Portraits #2

2011-10-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

Annie Sprinkle As Eastern Goddess of Late-Stage Capitalism (My Educated Guess)

Have you had the opportunity to check out Porn Saints? No? Do yourself a favor. Scroll down a bit. On the right, you'll see the link under Faves and Raves.

I see some of you need more convincing.

"What the hell is Porn Saints, Oruba? And why should I drop what I'm doing to check it out?"

Well, here's their own mission statement:

Porn Saints is the art side of porn and the porn side of art. It is an artistic approach to porn, a pornographic approach to art, a pornoartistic approach to religion. Artworks are based upon the idea that porn stars may be "sanctified" by their performances.

Still not enough?

Well here are some pictures:

Kerry Louise

Dana DeArmond

Kimberly Kane

Chenin Blanc

April Flores AKA Fatty D

A compelling case, no? I can tell you're thoroughly convinced, friends. Go forth.

Kimberly Kane Shoots Her Friends In The Face

2011-10-14T05:47:00.000-07:00

Faith Leon, shot in 2009

Her friends happen to be porn stars.

Our favorite Porn Art Theorist has started a tumbler where her photography can be seen.

My Review: "Good Shit!"

Bobbi Starr is smoking

Check it out.

Porn Star Screen Tests

2011-10-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

When I think of porn and art these days, I find myself thinking of Billy Watson. Mostly, because the man does things like this:

You might say, "What's the point?" or "OK, so he's copying Warhol, but with porn stars. Whatever." or "Why would I spend 3 minutes not watching Ginger Lynn fuck? Why should I spend 3 minutes not watching her do anything?" or "Violet Monroe creeps me out with the staring."

I remember watching Dali's screen test years ago. Dali, more than any other artist besides — well, Warhol — was known as much for his persona as his art. As time ticked, you watch as he got bored, ansty, unsure. And by the time it wrapped you saw, for a flash, the mask drop. Here was an old man. Talented, eccentric, but a real person, not a persona. Not Dali^TM. And it hit me. The point of it all: a moment of realness on film.

When you think about it, almost nothing we see on television is real. Certainly not Reality TV. The news, more often than not, has to fit in some pre-conceived narrative. Everyone, whether they are conscious of it, raises a mask when a camera is pointed at them.

I remember reading somewhere, probably in a David Foster Wallace essay, that porn stars should be respected more than any "legitimate" actor, because what they portray is true emotion, whether it's pleasure, pain or vulnerability. And what is more private and you than the way you look when you have an orgasm?

Now, to be sure, porn stars have personas (I'm looking at you, Sasha Grey), and not every orgasm is real (far from it), but you can concede that these women — often girls in their early twenties — by just being naked on camera for literally the world to see are revealing more of their real selves than most of us ever would.

Who could be a more natural subject for a screen test than a porn starlet?

And what else could it be that art does than reveal reality?

Porn Star Haiku: Carmen Jay

2011-10-12T06:03:00.001-07:00

I have a visceral

Lust for this très belle bird.

I better watch out!

Porn Obsessiveness: Case Study #2

2011-10-11T18:14:00.000-07:00

Who are you?

So it went like this:

I was watching a Kerry Louise scene the other day. It was a scripted Brazzers video and for some reason, maybe boredom, probably curiosity, I didn't skip through the story buildup.

The Plot: Kerry Louise is an intrepid, yet prudish office drone who criticizes her co-worker's revealing garb, albeit timidly and kind of passive-aggressively. The co-worker, whose name is Jeanine, basically tells her to fuck off.

The girls' supervisor makes an appearance where he reveals that he's looking for a volunteer to be the office party organizer.

Kerry Louise is quite excited to take on the position. Jeanine, who could care less about taking on extra office duties, only wants the gig to piss off Kerry Louise. She disappears with the supervisor to "talk" him. We can only assume what is going on behind those closed doors. We see nothing. Jeanine is just non-sex extra here.

Kerry Louise steps up to the plate. She knows what she must do to get that job. She loses her inhibitions and arranges to meet privately with the supervisor to "talk."

And this is where I pause. I have to find out who this Jeanine is.

Those who know how much I've been watching Kerry Louise lately (Hint: a fuck ton), know that this is no small statement. Anyone who can distract me from Kerry Louise, without ever taking her clothes off, is a big deal.

Jeanine: I'm that rare breed of man who prefers 40something year old Ginger Lynn to 20something year old Ginger Lynn. Imagine if you took Ginger the way she looks right now, and Age-Regressed back to what she would've looked like at 30 (as opposed to making your guess based on how she looked at 20). That's exactly what Jeanine looks like. I hope that was clear. Although this makes perfect sense in my head, I fear I come off sounding like Rick Perry.

1. I go to the Brazzers website. I search for "Jeanine." Nothing. "Janine." I get Janine Lindemulder. Clearly not her. I'm stumped.

2. I search through the Brazzers roster. Nobody stands out. Looks like it could be Kate Frost, but I have my doubts.

3. I hit the boards and ask around in the Who's That Girl? threads. I wait a few hours. Nothing.

4. I figure I can go straight to the source, but I can't find anything but the customer service email for Brazzers. I send a tweet to their tweeter page. Nothing.

5. I try to tweet the question to Kerry Louise, who I follow. In the few days since I had last checked, her page had disappeared.

6. I tweet Johnny Sins, who plays the supervisor. Nothing.

7 Finally, I google "Kerry Louise" and "Johnny Sins" and wade through page after page.

8. I find it after what seems like forever: Charity McLain.

She's new. Turns out one of her few available scenes is with Mommy Got Boobs, but she doesn't show up on the Brazzers roster. Strange.

So I got the scene, unleashed a torrent of phenethylamine and endorphins into my body, took a nap, got some work done, got drinks and face-time with a ladyfriend. And then, a day or two later, I returned to the Kerry Louise scene.

Porn Star Portraits #1

2011-10-10T19:22:00.000-07:00

This is Carlos Atanes.

He makes wonderfully strange films.

Lately, He's been making wonderfully strange drawings of our favorite porn stars. I like them. You should too.

Do yourself a favor. Check out his take on the Kafka classic, The Metamorphosis. It features far less naked people, but it's still a treat to the eyes.

Porn Star Haiku: Sheila Marie

2011-10-08T07:25:00.000-07:00

Word is—Surprise—

Undercover, you're an

Intellectual as well.

Porn Star Haiku: Misti Dawn

2011-10-07T21:11:00.000-07:00

Rosy-haired goddess,

If you spread, I will too. Like

A knocked out patient.

Porn Obsessiveness: Case Study #1

2011-10-06T18:26:00.000-07:00

One of the main motivations behind this blog was to track how obsessive porn makes me. I find myself wanting a girl or a video and searching far and wide for it at the expense of everything else.

It's come to my attention that I haven't been shedding much light on this behavior in the 2+ years I've been writing Neckties.

Here's a recent adventure:

1. I was looking through the new girls who have gone through the Blacks on Blondes ringer recently. I pick up on the lovely blue haired Larkin Love.

Aside #1: Ladies, if you have nothing else going for you, dye your hair an odd color (blue, green, henna red, etc), and I'm like an moth to a flame. This is the only reason I've ever found Katy Perry appealing.

Aside #2: You would think that, given the name of the site, Larkin Love wouldn't have made the cut, but I learned years ago that the Blondes part of the title is merely a suggestion.

2. So I'm into Larkin and I want to know more about her. I find her personal site and I'm going through it. I come across red carpet pictures of her at a Vivid party. In one, I'm seized by a redhead who playfully paws at Larkin. Her face is only shown in profile, and yet I am captivated. And like the fickle man I am, I shift from blue to red. I have to know who this is. I must see her in porn. Surely she's a starlet. I post a comment asking who she is. That was in July.

3. Today, after watching a Larkin scene, I remember the mystery redhead. I find my query unanswered. I lose the bit of patience I had. I take matters into my own hands. Or rather, into one of my hands.

4. After a few dead ends, I decide to ask the event photographer,

whose site is at the bottom of the pic. I find his twitter page. Unfortunately, I notice that his most recent tweet is about the death of his dog. Even if I had no class and asked anyway, I know I'm not getting a response any time soon.

5. I realize that the other pics are from other different photographers. What Larkin had done was gather up all the shots she was in and throw them up on her site. It's a big LA party featuring porn stars. Of course there are gonna be more than one event photographer there. I go to the Groove Entertainment's site, look up the date of the party and sure as shit, I find a clear front shot of the mystery redhead.

6. I see the chest piece and sleeve and have a revelation.

7. I google.

8. Misti Dawn.

9. And before the hour was out, I had two videos.

Aside #1: While finding more info on her, I came across a number of message boards posts of dudes calling her ugly. Really, guys? Talk about unrealistic expectations.

Aside #2: The second video is from Blacks on Blondes. We're full circle.

Now I can go back to doing something constructive with my life. Well, after watching some porn.

Porn Star Haiku: Belladonna

2011-10-03T22:12:00.000-07:00

Lady grinning beautifully,

My body, mind, and soul

Adores thee.

Porn Star Haiku: Brandy Talore

2011-10-02T04:28:00.001-07:00

You, I'll take straight up

And neat, though doggy and sloppy

Works just as well.

Porn Star Haiku: Kasey Kox

2011-09-30T07:11:00.000-07:00

You'll assault my senses.

I await and welcome

Your electric touch.

Porn Star Haiku: Angelina Castro

2011-09-29T12:10:00.000-07:00

She's, I'm told, the dumbest

Pornstar on Twitter. I won't

Lie — I'd still smash.

Porn Star Haiku: Sativa Rose

2011-09-28T14:11:00.000-07:00

A sweet high. A

Starlet by any other name

Would be Mary Jane.

Porn Star Haiku: Kerry Louise

2011-09-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

You're fit! If you're from

The Land of Angels, why do

I feel devilish?

Porn Star Haiku: Nikki Grind

2011-09-15T18:29:00.000-07:00

I'm on you like I'm

Working it. No need to pay me.

Pleasure's all mine.

Porn Star Haiku: Michele Raven

2011-09-11T22:06:00.001-07:00

My cock crows for you.

We'd fuck as straight and hungerful

As the crow flies.

You Choose: Ava Addams or Lauren

2011-09-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

If You Could Only Choose One, Who Would You Rather Fuck?

Porn Star Haiku: Claire Dames

2011-09-08T23:32:00.001-07:00

Igby goes down. And

So do you. But unlike

My So-Called Life, you suck.

Porn Star Haiku: Cody Lane

2011-09-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

I want to ride you;

Test your sex drive. Won't you let

Me get in your lane?

BBW I Love Love Love #7: Tiffany Blake

2011-09-07T17:45:00.000-07:00

This girl is getting it IN right now. And thank God for that, because I can't get enough of her. Even if I wasn't into BBWs, I would certainly be into Tiffany Blake. Look at that face. Fun Lay is written all over it. I bet she's the same exciting romp in the sheets in real life as she is on my computer screen.

I fantasize about her while watching her fuck. I fantasize about weird shit like dropping acid with her in the middle of the day and hanging out in a graveyard, or going out for pupusas in hole in a wall joints in Spanish Town, or laying around at the park all day drinking mimosas, or sitting around a bonfire talking about God and Elliott Smith lyrics.

Of course, all that's fantasy. The real Tiffany Blake might not be into any of those things. I'm more likely to just fuck her.

Tiffany Blake: She's blazing. I hope she never burns out.

The Chyna Timeline

2011-09-07T01:49:00.000-07:00

1990: I find out that wrestling is fake. I stop watching. I discover cynicism.

1991: I discover the wonders of masturbation. Porn obsession soon follows.

1997: I discover irony. I start watching wrestling again. My friends and I discover Chyna. We are convinced that she's a man.

2000: Chyna gets hella plastic surgery. We're not fooled. "She's a man."

Fall 2000: Chyna poses nude for Playboy. The issue gets passed around. No one admits to jerking off to it. Full Disclosure: I didn't; she looked too much like a man.

2004: A Night in China is released in typical sex tape fashion. Morbidly interested. Unable to find a single favorable review. I lose interest and spend the next 7 years thinking Chyna either has a small penis or an unusually large clitoris.

2011: Oddly interested in Backdoor to Chyna. The stills are alluring. Chyna doesn't look half bad.

The Next Day: Acquired Backdoor to Chyna. Rubbed one out. Felt something approaching post-stroke shame for the first time in years.

27 Minutes Later: Watched it again. Recommenced stroke session. Markedly less shame this time.

What can you do, right?

Porn Star Haiku: Gianna Michaels

2011-09-03T02:31:00.000-07:00

She's crafty sexy

Fun. Just my type. Here's Gianna!

And here I come.

Porn Star Haiku: Sarah Jessie

2011-09-02T06:20:00.001-07:00

For freaks (like me) who

Even want to fuck

Sarah Jessica Parker.

Porn Star Haiku: Monroe Valentino

2011-09-01T20:17:00.000-07:00

If Cruella was

Real, tattooed, and fucked onscreen,

I'd be happy—Wait!

You Choose: Rachel Roxx or Starr

2011-09-01T04:01:00.000-07:00

If You Could only Choose One, Who Would You Rather Fuck?

Porn Star Haiku: Chloe Chanel

2011-08-31T04:31:00.000-07:00

Looks like Nicole Ritchie,

Except cuter, plumper,

And not annoying.

Porn Star Haiku: Shyla Stylez

2011-08-30T17:50:00.001-07:00

Doggy, froggy, reverse

Cowgirl, freestyle. Every

Possible style.

Porn Star Haiku: Nicole Parks

2011-08-29T17:20:00.001-07:00

Small, erstwhile porn queen,

Hated by some. Loved be me.

Should've done more scenes

On Spit, Blood, And Lenses

2011-08-25T18:35:00.000-07:00

What do Gonzo Porn and Saving Private Ryan have in common?

Hint: It's a kind of abuse.

I was watching a Katie St. Ives scene the other night when a curious, but now-familiar thing happened. As she was giving dude head, the camera goes underneath her mouth and his junk and points up at them.

An already sloppy blowjob then becomes downright slobbery. Her saliva dribbles and hits the lens. The next few minutes is filmed through the refraction of her spit.

A Pavlovian response: I go wild.

Afterwards, I reflect. Spitting up the camera is a relatively new phenomenon. Unheard of before the advent of gonzo. More than likely, discovered serendipitously. An adventurous camera hitting up an obscure angle, perhaps trying to finally employ the Dutch Tilt he learned at Tisch. A porn starlet, maybe with a sloppy top style, maybe suffering a tired jaw after 30 minutes of blowing a dude, dribbles downward. A connection is made. Epiphany? Too lazy to edit it out? A desire to keep it authentic? Whatever the reason for its first appearance, it appears that it is here to stay.

I reflect further. Is there a mainstream counterpart?

Yes there is. It even has a name: Camera abuse.

Finally: Something I love, when a woman intentionally spits on the camera, my heart skips a beat.

The Hungarian Connection

2011-08-19T15:16:00.000-07:00

What is Hungary known for? Aside from goulash and a handful of Classical composers, I really couldn't tell you. I know the capital is Budapest. That's about it.

I know that some of my favorite European porn stars hail from there. I know they have the same mysterious and powerfully magnetic allure despite being as different from each other as could be. What, Oruba? How different?

The three women I refer to are Mandy Bright, Lisa Sparkle, and Wonder Tracy. Yes, that different.

Mandy, I've been into for quite a few years. If there's anyone I could refer to as a sex demon, it would be her. After that I have no words for how she makes me feel. She brings everything to the table every time and leaves me, the freaking viewer for god's sake, drained. For about a month or two, getting a subscription to Mandy Is Kinky was the best decision I ever made.

Lisa, I discovered late last year. For about two weeks straight, she's was all I would stroke to. I started to feel like heroin addict after a while. Effort was exerted to ween myself off her. Now I can only watch Lisa Sparkle in small doses. Porn Methadone.

And the girl from left field: Wonder Tracy. It's no secret that I love BBWs, but there aren't that many women THAT size that gets me worked up the way she does. Like seriously bothered and shit. I have to take a nap right afterwards.

So what is this Hungarian Connection? Are all the women in Hungary this electric? Or is it just these three? Is it genetic or something in the water. I'm definitely making a stop in Budapest the next time I go backpacking to take in the local color.

Porn Star Haiku: Olivia O'Lovely

2011-08-18T04:30:00.001-07:00

Olived-Skinned Venus,

Oh I live to love so lovely

An ass as yours

A Man Reviews The Man Project

2011-08-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

There is a silent rule that men aren't allowed to talk about sexuality. I feel this line reflects the prevalent mood: "[It is as though] a guy with a sex blog is the intellectual version of a flasher."

You got to figure, in Western Culture, at least, male sexuality was a given. Gender roles were clearly defined, often at the detriment of women who were often treated as second citizens.

Then we've evolved. Women fought for their rightful place as equals (lets be real, the war isn't over but incredible ground has been gained). Now, in a serious discussion of sex and sexuality, you will always be talking about female sexuality. A male orgasm is elementary. We're past that. The thinking is, if we really want self discovery we have to delve into what makes women tick.

What is male sexuality? What does it mean to be masculine? The perception is that it's puerile. Locker room talk. Fake, Neanderthal, misguided machismo lacking self-awareness. Men's magazines with barely clad women on the front. Articles about hair gel and lifting weights inside.

In reality, it's treated with silence. We don't talk about sexuality with each other. We don't talk about what it means to be masculine in the 21st century. I agree with David Jay: when it is brought up, it is usually joked at. "Traditional" masculinity is no longer a serious mode of self expression, of self actualization. However, a suitable model has yet to present itself. It's as though we have to each invent ourselves as men and hope what we've created for ourselves is "right." This incidentally, is the underlying theme to Fight Club but I'm too pretty to go around getting punched.

With Neckties, the hope was to create a space to talk about porn and how it affects us in ways it never affected our fathers. How it shapes us and perhaps turns us to people other than we would have been. This is incidental to a grander discussion of sexuality in the 21st century. But my approach is a small buildup. Small increments of self investigation. Perhaps a few steps back at times, like years of psychotherapy.

Rachel Rabbit White gets where I want to go much faster, with a whole lot more people. Behold The Man Project. Also behold this "best of" the Man Project. Read it. Love it. Self edify.

Sara Jay, Well Balanced Renaissance Woman

2011-08-16T18:00:00.000-07:00

I'm an odd fellow. I love it when porn chicks do things other than porn. Pinky raps. Sasha Grey DJs. Nina Hartley lectures. Trina Michaels wrestles. Lorelei Lee writes screenplays.
And Sara Jay? Well, Sara Jay balances Chicken McNuggets on her ass. (Successfully too!)

Porn Star Haiku: Paris Rocks

2011-08-15T02:48:00.000-07:00

First featured in a

Music video. Still naked

And fucking though.

Porn Star Haiku: Patricia Kennedy

2011-08-14T06:48:00.000-07:00

Ask not! Kennedy

I'm glad was shot on film?

Well, Kennedy Dream too!

BBW I Love Love Love #6: Kirstyn Halborg

2011-08-13T03:09:00.000-07:00

The British are coming! Or rather, the British are making me come.

There's been a British invasion. But it ain't the Beatles, Stones or Kinks. Until a few years ago, the only Brit I'd regularly stroke to was the ineffable Sophie Dee. Thanks to Killergram, I now have the pleasure of watching the likes of Kerry Louise, Delta White, Renee Richards, Lee Logan, Victoria Brown, and Keira Pharrel.

On the chubby side, thanks to the good folks over at Sensational Video, I've also developed a liking towards Leah Jayne, Jemstone, and of course Kirstyn Halborg.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the accents. Whatever it is, I want to be all over it. I wonder if British wankers feel the same about the way our American porn girls talk. Thoughts?

Also, here I should say that though much of her work features Ms. Halborg as a blonde, I truly love love love her as a brunette. I feel that needs to be said.

Oruba Tours the Armory

2011-08-11T08:18:00.000-07:00

There's a building in San Francisco. A great big building, with Presence and History. A place where sex happens. And when it happens it is filmed. There are often chains, whips, masks, displays of power and submission, weird machines probing. Wonderful things!

This building? The one and only Armory in the Mission District.

You're walking the sunniest streets in San Francisco. You're eating burritos, drinking Sol, avoiding the invading horde of smelly hipsters. You need something to do.

Oruba: I'm in town; What shall I do while I'm here?

The Delightful Alison Hart of Pornochromatic: Why not go tour the Armory? I can get you tickets.

And she did.

And I toured.

Behold:

The place was originally an actual armory for the national guard at the turn of the century, but has been laying abandoned for 30 years until Kink.com bought it in 2007. Under the leadership of Kink.com founder Peter Acworth, the massive 200,000 square foot building was transformed into a literal porn palace.

We learned all this right away from our lovely tour guide, the effervescent Ava, who rounded us up and walked us around the place.

The very top level is the lair for an Edwardian period reality show which is live streamed. Complete with custom furniture designed to double as stays for tied down slaves. Oh my! Prim, dressed up doms and subs bustled by us as they prepared for a tea party.

Then to the set of Ultimate Surrender. Side Note: I am the only person I know who's gone on the Official Armory Tour. But I know two people who been to live tapings of Ultimate Surrender and Naked Kombat. I roll with a special and exclusive crowd of perverts. Clearly.

Then to Kink University.

Then to the sets of Whipped Ass, Hogtied, and others.

Oh and the prop rooms. Oh the prop rooms!

We even ended up in a place that looked like a dungeon but was really an unfinished basement.

And before you know it it was over. And I shuffled out on to Valencia for a giant empanada and and some Chilean beer.

Random Bit #1: Some scenes from the Original Star Wars was shot at the Armory which, aside from being rad in its own right, meant the building was already zoned for film making. Lucky pornographers.

Random Bit #2: Apparently Kink.com is in the process of leasing out the Drill court in the hopes of turning it into a community center which will host among other things, a farmers market. You read that right. Only in San Francisco.

Thoughts: For the past few years, actually the better part of the last decade we have been hearing that the porn industry is in decline. The ubiquity of free porn pretty much means that people don't really pay for porn they way they used to. Despite the proliferation of websites, there aren't too many that are pure money makers. So how did Kink.com grow so damn fast in 10 years? So much so that they're can not only by the Armory in 2007 (admittedly, not a bad year in porn), but remain viable (I assume profitable) in the present.

Is because niche providers, fetish sites are the impervious to the trend affecting the industry as a whole? Please, discuss.

Random Bit #3: This is what 55 gallon drums of lube looks like. Don't ask how quickly they go through this.

Life is good. Thanks Alison, Ava, and the good folks at Kink.com.

I've Got Strokes For Days For Dana Hayes

2011-08-10T15:21:00.000-07:00

Here it comes again. I know you've been waiting for it: Ugly Girl Porn.

Allow me, once more, to clarify. I would never disparage a woman who gives me pleasure the way Ms. Hayes does. And I would certainly leave the lights on if we ever made love. Or fucked. Or whatever. I would enjoy all she would have to offer me.

I'm not calling Dana Hayes ugly. My girlfriend is.

My friends, that is what Ugly Girl Porn is: An evaluation of my voluminous porn collection through the eyes of whoever my significant other of the moment may be.

Today's pick comes to you courtesy of Johanna, my main squeeze, if you will, of the past 6 months or so. We gotten close enough recently for her to take guided tour of my stash. As expected, she expressed surprised over the liking I had taken to quite a few women, but none so much as Ms. Hayes.

"What do you see in her? She's old, blubbery. She looks like my mom."

To which I shrug and point to my crotch:

"I don't know. It's just visceral. I need to be in her. I can't explain it. Just pure desire."

If I could explain it, I would also be able to explain my fascination with older, thicker, Slavic women with matronly upper arms who, if fully clothed, would be complete with a headscarf. There's a lot about me that doesn't make sense.

I want to thank you, Dana Hayes. Had you not decided to enter the adult film business. Had you kept on teaching dance, my porn experience would be that much less fulfilling. I hope you keep wonderfully doing what you're doing till you can't.

Wild Things Ava Devine Has Done

2011-08-09T08:26:00.000-07:00

"I was choked out with a collar, getting fisted, and drinking my own urine by this dominatrix guy."

No Judgement. Do what you do.

The Character Named Milf Actually Did Porn? No Way!

2011-08-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

A pervasive point of wonder and discussion when Neckties for Reptiles began was the new increased probability that the woman you were pining for on television has done porn. Equally, awesome is how we live in an age where it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to find and download the flick. Sometimes in a matter of minutes. This is especially true for the stars of VH1 CelebReality programming.

Didn't take long to find stuff on Frenchy or Brandy C from Rock of Love and Charm School.

The next logical step, for me was to compile a list of Reality Stars I want to see in porn. But then I stopped watching shitty television, made constructive use of my life, and forgot all about the silly things I obsessed over in 2009.

And out of the blue, on accident, I discover that Milf from Real Chance of Love has appeared in a few "sex movies" performing under the names Ahmo Hight and Amy Hite. To be fair, they're only softcore, but you wouldn't know it from the the blog I read it in. You'd think she was doing The World's Heaviest Gangbang. To the writers at Dyfuse.com, please chill the hell out. Most of us grew out of softcore when we were 15. That's not even including the generation, currently in their early 20s, who grew up with the Internet. That number is probably closer to 9.

So no hardcore from Milf but we get boobs, and I assume she's get's it on, rubbing style, with Anna Nicole Smith. I'll probably never know because I'm about as much in a rush to watch that as I am the latest Flavor of Love spinoff.

As I look at Milf again for the first time in years I realize I still feel a kind of way about her. A cuter mix of Vicky Vette and Dana Hayes still applies. If you're reading this, Milf, please consider doing some legitimate pornography. You will have loving fans, at the very head of which will be me. You are absolutely ripe for Milf/Cougar porn. Why waste your life in reality show hell? There's no dignity in it. This is the life for you.

Love,

Oruba

Porn Star Haiku: Kylie Ireland

2011-08-06T12:57:00.000-07:00

On the streets, in galleries:

An artist! In the bedroom:

A goddess!

Michele Bachmann, Who will Porn Parody You?

2011-08-05T18:28:00.000-07:00

Inquiring minds want to know. Before we know it, another election season will be upon us, along with an ancient American tradition dating backto 2008 with the production of Who's Nailin' Paylin? -- the Political Porn Parody featuring the Hot Chick Running.

I look toward U.S Representative Michele Bachmann of Minnesota. Her bat-shit crazy beliefs, and questionable politics aside, or perhaps because of them, she's among the front runners for the GOP's presidential nomination. Her looks and easy Milfness makes her a prime candidate for Porn Parody.

But before we pen this open letter to Hustler, we must decide, Oh Friends, what Milf star will play Rep. Bachmann. in theis absolutely necessary movie.

This is our chance to exercise our patriotic duties as citizens and vote.

After a quick look at the women at My Friend's Hot Mom, I present to you the candidates:

1. Shay Sights - I'm only vaguely familiar with Milf, having only heard and seen hear name over the past year or so. Upon seeing her I see she has a passing resemblance to the Congresswoman. More so than Lisa Ann has to Sarah Palin.

2. Lezley Zen - Resemblance to Bachmann aside, Lezly has been a favorite of mine for years. You and I know, friends, that she'll put on a performance of a lifetime.

3. Sarah Brooks - Not familiar with this woman. She was first face that popped out when I perused My Friend's Hot Mom.

4. Tabitha Stevens - A classic. A woman from my formative years who's finding easy and welcome transition into the brave new world of Milf/Cougar Porn. Perhaps can capture the same demo who flew to Naylin Paylin: Young Men who on the surface just appear to want see a politician naked (or someone who resembles her enough) but are secretly yearning for a golden age.

5. Amy Fisher - We know her as the 'Long Island Lolita." She caused a sensation in the 90s with a tale of sex and attempted murder that was flashed all over the news media for months. She's back in the light as scandal -- as a porn star! After recovering over the shock, you see how much she resemble a certain Representative from Minnesota. Then you realize what you're thinking is totally possible in this world.

Update: You, my faithful readers, have dutifully exercised your right and duly elected your next Porn Parodized Representative. Read the inevitable letter to Hustler Video Here.

Who Would You Like To See In The Highly Likely Michele Bachmann Porn Parody?

Where Oruba Ruminates Some More On Porn, Art And Tying Chicks Up

2011-08-04T16:35:00.000-07:00

Do you see the two pictures above?

One is from a world renowned photographer whose work can be found in museums. The other can be on Hogtied, a site in the Kink.com family, which specializes in tying chicks up for our prurient enjoyment.

One is art. One is porn.

Can you guess which is which?

Of course, this distinction may be arbitrary. People can and will disagree about the classification. Billy Watson, the thinking man's pornographer (yes, I'm writing about this two days in a row), sees Araki as porn through and through.

One tour of the Armory will reveal Kink.com's production to be reminiscent of an assemblage of well organized, if assembly line, artist studios (think Factory era Warhol with less weirdos, no drugs and more sex).

What if tomorrow, the good folks at Kink.com suddenly started calling their output Art? What if they threw out their business model? Instead of charging kink bucks or whatever for patrons to watch flicks and get off, what if those same exact pictures were printed, framed and sold to galleries and collectors? What if those same exact movies, without nary an edit, were shown at the Castro Theatre or some other art house theater?

Context perhaps and not content is what makes art Art and porn Porn.

Kimberly Kane: Porn is My Art

2011-08-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

Is Porn art?

I've think about this much more than I should. Sometimes I think no; Sometimes I think maybe. Other times I think that maybe I should be spending my time more constructively.

Don Drummand's masterful trombone declares that music is his occupation.

Adult starlet Kimberly Kane looks coolly into the lens of a camera and declares, with the confidence of Duchamp pointing at a urinal: Porn is my art.

The witty Billy Watson, a pornographer whose porn-adjacent work goes places I enjoy, like into conversations with intelligent, with-it, porn women who aren't Nina Hartley (she isn't the only one), takes my view: Once you jack to it, it isn't art.

Kane disagrees of course. And I disagree with her. Or at least her reasoning. Even if teenage boys can jack to anything (I offer myself as proof), the Author's intention plays a large role in its self-definition. If you have, say, Michael Ninn (I'm going back here) who intends for his work to be more than a jack piece, then yes, it's art. But your run-of-the-mill gonzo producer is churning out a product. So no, no art there.

Though I disagree with Ms. Kane, I have seen a few of her scenes, and her Artist Declaration is right on: Porn absolutely is her art.

Porn Star Haiku: Cherry Poppens

2011-07-21T17:55:00.001-07:00

A spoonful of

Strawberry blonde goes down in

The most delightful way!

Porn Star Haiku: Brooke Haven

2011-07-19T05:44:00.000-07:00

It's safe to say

I wanna be miss behavin'

With Miss B. Haven

Porn Star Haiku: Jules Sterling

2011-07-18T05:24:00.000-07:00

Trust me, Jules. My word's

As good as gold: I'd pound that

Ass for all it's worth!

Porn Star Haiku: Gia Jordan

2011-07-17T02:35:00.000-07:00

Sick is the one who

Adores you. I'm burning with

Fever and raw lust.

Porn Star Haiku: Faye Reagan

2011-07-16T10:18:00.001-07:00

My Reagan Years

Gingerly starred a trickle-down

Of a different sort.

Porn star Haiku: India Summer

2011-03-05T01:31:00.000-08:00

Not Sheen's type: blond,

Under 25. So what?

You're a Goddess to me.

Porn Star Haiku: August Night

2011-02-25T09:42:00.000-08:00

The filthy things

I'd do to this Latina

On a summer's evening.

Porn Star Haiku: Austin Kincaid

2011-02-23T16:27:00.000-08:00

A face I like, no—love!

Boobs like balls. My lust for

You's incomparable.

Porn Star Haiku: Mandy Bright

2011-02-21T21:00:00.001-08:00

I arrive enslaved to

You. You, Cum Queen of

Hungary. I, subject.

You Choose: Britney or Whitney Stevens

2011-02-20T20:59:00.000-08:00

Here's a dilemma I'm often faced with. I'll pose you a question, dear reader:

If you could only choose one, who would you rather fuck?

Porn Star Haiku: Extreme Holly

2011-02-16T21:24:00.000-08:00

This is the first haiku

Dedicated to someone

Who's snorted cum.

BBW I Love Love Love #5: Kitty Lee

2011-02-16T05:31:00.000-08:00

The reason I love Kitty Lee is straightforward, if out of left field. She looks an awful lot like Kathy Najimy. For those you who can't be bothered with clicking a link, Kathy Najimy is best known for being the voice of Peggy Hill on King of the Hill. She also played Whoopi's sidekick in the Sister Act movies. Yes, I spent high school wanting to fuck that woman. Hell, I still would turn her out.

Compare

I was introduced to Kathy by Veronica's Closet, the memory of which has me thinking. Now that show was shit. And the only reason I would watch was because of Kirstie Ally as well as Kathy.

Kirstie was bigger than she'd ever been and showing her age. The show was very self-aware of this and played off and against this with a constant parade of models. I'd never been into skinny, youthful Rebecca Howe and the models were interchangeable to me if not outright invisible. But the sight of Kirstie on that show, mature and curvy, would set my skin on fire.

I felt the same way about Kathy. I couldn't explain the attraction. I didn't openly admit it. This was the mid to late 90's. Milf and Bbw had yet to enter our national consciousness. TV, all of mass media for that matter, made you feel like it was aberrant to find chubby, older women sexy.

This is what I think of whenever I rub out to Kitty Lee. She's mature, overweight and never will have a career as a beauty on television or in the movies. Still, I love her as she is. She gives me immense pleasure. Neither one of us should be ashamed of that.

Porn Star Haiku: Katja Kassin

2011-02-15T16:02:00.000-08:00

When I see red, I

Collapse like the wall. Achtung

Baby, here I come!

Porn Star Haiku: Kelly Wells

2011-02-14T08:54:00.000-08:00

Let's be honest.

It's a little like jerking off

To the Exorcist.

Porn Star Haiku: Sandra Romain

2011-02-11T17:34:00.000-08:00

It isn't blood

My favorite Romanian is

Known for sucking.

First Facial: One Small Load For Woman

2011-02-06T07:06:00.000-08:00

A ponderous question that weighed upon my mind as I woke up this morning: who was the woman who received the first facial?

In a manner of speaking she could be long dead. She could've been a some rough Cro-Magnon's cave bitch, whose dude didn't care where his juices pew.

Perhaps she was a guest at an especially messy Roman orgy. Maybe it was Messalina herself.

And though Dick-to-Vag sex has reigned supreme until recently, there must have been enough blowjobs, and enough lying/miscalculating men to to make this question moot since time immemorial.

No, what I want to know is who was on the business end of the first porn facial. You gotta suppose, unless we have other evidence, that any facial prior to modern era porn was unintentional. With pictorial, and later, video porn there was a need to show that the sex was real. A cum shot was the sure-fire way, so to speak, to show it.

Some time between the Daguerreotype and the peepshow, the cum shot migrated to the face.

The point I'm coming to is that someone had to be the first. Some farm girl new to Chicago/New York/LA, perhaps at the turn of the 19th Century. Factory life is oppressive. she can't make rent. She has no family to support her. She turns to prostitution. One of her johns is a photographer who pays for her to have sex with another man while he films. Toward the end, the photographer asks the man to do the most peculiar thing . . .

"You want him to do what?"

"Onto her face, sir?"

And like that, unknown to the participants, history is made. The possibility exists then that this photo still exists, sitting in someone's attic.

If it could be verified that yes this is the first facial captured on film, how much would it be worth?

Also, if the first facial landed later in the 20th century, there is the possibility that the woman who got hit with it is still alive, whiling the time away in some nursing home, unaware of her notoriety.

Also also, what in the world could I have possibly been dreaming about where this is what I'm thinking about when I wake up?

Porn Star Haiku: Pinky

2011-02-04T05:22:00.000-08:00

I want to make your

Plush, yielding ass go "Wee Wee Wee!"

All the way home.

Porn Star Haiku: Ginger Lynn

2011-02-02T09:32:00.001-08:00

Still tugging off to you.

We're getting older and

Better together

Porn Star Haiku: Joanna Angel

2011-02-01T02:09:00.000-08:00

Punk-ish, Jewish, from Jersey.

What I love about you!

And anal too!

Porn Star Haiku: Sara Jay

2011-01-31T04:39:00.000-08:00

You are the reason

I get wood for hieroglyphics

And crooked teeth

Porn Star Haiku: Cherokee D'Ass

2011-01-30T10:05:00.000-08:00

You remind me of

My jeep — lots of trunk space,

Guzzler — I'd ride you rough.

BBW I Love Love Love #4: Kacey Swift

2011-01-14T08:53:00.000-08:00

Here's another obscure beauty. She's just starting out with performances for Plumpers at Play and Hot Sexy Plumpers. I'm not into solo scenes so I'm basing my adoration of Ms. Swift off one b/g scene. That is power! I can only hope that unlike Jem Jewel she'll stick around in the industry. I am very much looking forward to more from her.

Porn Star Haiku: Luscious Lopez

2011-01-03T20:04:00.000-08:00

With my naked eye,
I've seen you nude. It's driven
Fevers in and out.

Porn Star Haiku: Brooklyn Lee

2010-12-27T18:40:00.000-08:00

Where you at? No sleep
For me until my Big is in
This Queen's burrow.