Porn Star Haiku: Ivy Ryder

I don't care what
Others say. You look like
A young Britney O'Connell

OK, I Want A Paula Marshall XXXmas Too

As I make my way through season one of Veronica Mars, I find myself running into actresses I desparately wanted to bang out ten years ago. The impossibility of that dream was deferred for the slightly less impossibility of seeing said actress in porn. My consolation is the hope for a convincing Lisa Rinna lookalike who is into interracial gangbang and who looks ravishing with cum dripping off her bee-stung lips.

Coming across Paula Marshall has reminded me of another, albeit a further diluted possibility: see them naked. Do you remember Paula Marshall? She was the only reason I watched Snoops. She was also the only reason I watch Cupid. I suspect she's responisible for the ratings of more shitty shows than anyone else. IMDB confirms my hunch. She's been in 6 shows in eight years, all of them canceled in less than a season.

You would think a track record and a face like that would drive a woman to porn, but she soldiers on.

But I get my wish, sort of.

She was in a sex scene with David Duchovny in an episode of Californication.

I found out it while I was reseaching. I would rush to get it, but it's a sex scene with David Duchovny. Ew.

I think I'll go back to watching Veronica Mars and guessing who'll be the next actress to pop up from my past.

Porn Star Haiku: Sophia Gently

I would fuck you gently

As in a morning sunrise.

Then rough and hard.

All I Want For Christmas

I really really really really want to see Lisa Rinna do porn.

Or at least someone who looks a hell of a lot like her.

Is that too much to ask?

Ok, maybe it is.

Ok, back to watching Veronica Mars.

Porn Star Haiku: Zoe Voss

Alphabetically last
On the list of girls I'd fuck.
First in my heart.

BBW I Love Love Love #1: Samantha Anderson

It's no secret that I love BBWs. When it comes to the the types of women I'd play with and stroke to, I cast a wide net.

To show my appreciation I was going to write a post comprising the BBWs I love the most. But a preliminary compilation hinted that any list would be too long for consumption. Who's got that kind of attention span these days anyway?

So here they come one by one. To do them justice.

I start with this Beauty, who has occupied my fantasies for nearly a decade.

Samantha Anderson, also known as Samantha 38G.

I saw her first at Big Naturals back before I even had broadband. I'm glad she's stuck through several modem upgrades, address changes, and puzzled girlfriends who wondered why I was into girls so thick.

In that time she's become the preeminent name in BBW porn. Her scenes are explosive and have grown more exhilarating over the years. Nothing she does fails to please.

In my early twenties when I was just getting into her, I met a man who claimed he had her as an escort. Best $1000 he ever spent, he swear up and down. To this day, whenever I would get a stroke on for her, I would imagine that I'm a paying customer who had the pleasure of receiving her delights. Too much information? Too bad! Deal with it.

To you, Ms. Anderson, here's to another near decade of pleasure for the both of us. I wish you the best and thank you.

The Girl With the Spider Tattoo Redux

I'll admit it. I started this blog for selfish reasons. Fruitless searches I have come to call Holy Grails. Scenes I've seen in passing when porn was scarce but am now unable to turn up in this Age of Instant and Free. Girls who've disappeared or whose names I never knew.

One such Holy Grail was the hunt for the Girl with the Spider Tattoo. No, Stieg Larson wasn't hard up for cash in the 90s. She was so termed because - - well, refer to the picture above.

All I knew was that the girl was Brazilian. A kindly reader, Mr. Anonymous was nice enough to point me towards Buttman's Rio Carnival. Spider Girl's name is Andreia. This might have been her only movie. Searches turn up other Andreias but none with butt tattoos. This wasn't an easy find.

And here's the part where I say that after obsessing over this scene for years, I watch it once and went "meh." Her butt, though quite nice, is smaller than in my dreams. She's neither as pretty nor as slutty looking as I remember her. Maybe it's because between then and now I've watch several thousand hours of porn (I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed of this). Maybe it's because I've matured. Maybe it's because I've upgraded my class of girl and women who look like Andreia are no longer out of my reach (the first thought I had upon viewing the scene is that she's younger than I am now). Andreia is no longer a fantasy.

What does all this mean? Will I suspend my search for Holy Grails for fear of disturbing my equilibrium of desire and setting off an existential crisis? Fuck no! Growing up and growing old is about losing your illusions, modifying or sometimes outright changing your desires, and finding out new things about the world and yourself. The moment you stop that constant flux of transition, you grow stagnant.

So, thank you Anonymous! I go forth to find more Holy Grails (both porn-related and otherwise) without fearing how much smaller, less divine they'll be IRL. This must be done!

This Needs to Be Made! An Open Letter to Hustler Video

NOTE: A proper email will be sent as soon as I can get a reliable contact address.


Dear Hustler Video,

I'm writing you in particular because you are responsible for the recent flood of porn parodies. I'm writing to you in really particular because you are the force behind Who's Nailin' Paylin?

Please take note of the juxtaposed images above. I've written recently about the eerie resemblance between Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell and Porn Starlet Alice Bell. Upon further reflection I've firmed in my opinion that this resemblance is more than passing. And I'm sure that I'm far from alone in this thought.

There are two factors you must consider:

1. This is who Christine O'Donnell is: She's a former practitioner of witchcraft. She's outspoken about the evils of masturbation. She's an acolyte of Sarah Palin. This parody writes itself! SCENE: A young candidate from Delaware takes a break from the campaign trail. She blows off some steam and slips into old habits by engaging mentor and pal Paylin in a Ouija session. Paylin returns the favor by teaching her the joys of mutual masturbation. SCENE: B/G with former Delaware Senator and Vice President (played by Randy West). This is just off the top of my head!
   
2. The election is in a few weeks and she is not projected to win. It's not like you have a 6 year term to wait around on getting this done. Unless she pulls a Palin (granted, not completely unlikely, as pretty as she is), she'll be out of the public consciousness by January.

It may seem like an impossible task to crank out a movie in a couple weeks but it was still under the same time constraints that Who's Nalin' Paylin? was made. It is entirely doable.

I, and I'm willing too bet quite a few people, would very much like to see this movie made. parodies are still very much in vogue. Palin who would be the anchor for this vehicle is still very relevant, lampoonable, and sexy. Please make this movie!

Best Wishes,

Oruba Stone

Porn Star Haiku: Summer Sinn

I'm so aroused and
Relieved you have big boobs
And no Boston accent*.

---

*Ok, I'll admit. I have no idea what you sound like. I've been too focused on your boobs.